Joke for today?

[nightfighter]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.



That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.



She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.



Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators.

[mikey99]

What's the fat depressing singer's favorite laptop?
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A Dell

[The Dad Fisherman]

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Sam's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Sam's fishing mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to the camping site to find Sam sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and having a cold beer.

"Crap Sam, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

“Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, ‘Guess who?’" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a sheer nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

Well, she's been reading that book, “50 Shades of Gray.” On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

[WESTPORTMAFIA]

Originally Posted by The Dad Fisherman

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Sam's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Sam's fishing mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to the camping site to find Sam sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and having a cold beer.

"Crap Sam, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

“Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, ‘Guess who?’" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a sheer nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

Well, she's been reading that book, “50 Shades of Gray.” On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

Lmao!
Posted from my iPhone/Mobile device

[RIJIMMY]

A man and a woman are childhood sweethearts and finally get married. A couple weeks after the wedding she comes out into the garage and sees him in the boat arranging his tackle. She has a disturbed look on her face so he asks her "whats wrong"? She tells him that since they were married now she thought he would probably sell his boat and fishing gear. He now gets a disturbed look on his face. "Whats wrong" she asks? He says "for a second there you sounded like my ex-wife". She gets all upset and tells him "I did'nt know you had an ex-wife"! He says "I did'nt"!

[FishNH]

Originally Posted by RIJIMMY

A man and a woman are childhood sweethearts and finally get married. A couple weeks after the wedding she comes out into the garage and sees him in the boat arranging his tackle. She has a disturbed look on her face so he asks her "whats wrong"? She tells him that since they were married now she thought he would probably sell his boat and fishing gear. He now gets a disturbed look on his face. "Whats wrong" she asks? He says "for a second there you sounded like my ex-wife". She gets all upset and tells him "I did'nt know you had an ex-wife"! He says "I did'nt"!

love it

[Jimbo]

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut and he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tellsthe old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was thecleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball. The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does"

[The Dad Fisherman]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

[detbuch]

[Pete F.]

Originally Posted by The Dad Fisherman

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

That hits too close to home.

[Raider Ronnie]

An illegal alien, a Muslim and a socialist walk into a bar.....
The bartender asks,

"What will it be, Mr. President?"

[RIJIMMY]

Originally Posted by Raider Ronnie

An illegal alien, a Muslim and a socialist walk into a bar.....
The bartender asks,

"What will it be, Mr. President?"

HA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Fishpart]

Joke is on us!!!!!!

[Guppy]

This is soooo funny

The Ultimate Wake Up PRANK Compilation - YouTube

back to work

[FishermanTim]

Some were funny, but many were just assinine pranks.
Maybe they should talk to some of the people aftr they ran face first into a wall, or fell on their knees on mouse traps.
A good prank doesn't require dental surgery, a trip to the emergency room, or legal advice regarding property damage lawsuits.

What moron thinks that blowing out someone's eardrums is the perfect way to start the day??? Try having someone do it to you and see how fun it really is.

Let's be real, most of these aren't practical jokes, but rather auditions to be just one more "Jackass" wanna-be!

[The Dad Fisherman]

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
... While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

[fishsmith]

Herschel, the Magnificent Jew - Holy Cannoli's posterous
Posted from my iPhone/Mobile device

[Jimbo]

The Sensuous Wife

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.


"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

"Uh, no," he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.


"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, now really intrigued…


"Well, go look in the garage..."

[justplugit]

Four elderly ladies are going for a ride.
Elsie is driving and goes through a red light.
Clara sitting in the back seat wants to say something about it but doesn't.
Elsie continues to drive through 3 more red lights and Clara feels the need to warn her.
She says, "Elsie do you know you drove through 4 red lights???
Elsie says, " Am I driving ????? "

[justplugit]

Four elderly guys had been playing cards together every Friday for years.
One night one of the players said to the another, " I'm sorry, could you tell me your
name, I forgot it.
The other player paused awhile and said, "Can you give me some time?"

[Jimbo]

A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art Apple iWatch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

He says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Navy man smirks, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."