Advice Needed...

[spinncognito]

Surely some of you have had this dilemma before...

I am dealing with my stubborn, aging Italian father and his gradual decline. Although only 74, he has had a series of falls, mishaps and surgeries to fix bones broken in the falls/mishaps. He also has diabetes and is starting to more frequently "forget" what he is talking about or stumble through his story-telling.

My problem is his driving. This past week he has had two incidents. First, he busted a tie-rod on his pick-up but decided it was a better idea to drive with the snapped tire for more than a mile to the shop. He somehow managed to scrape his way there but the bumper fell off on the way and the tire was so hot it was amost on fire when he got there. Then on Saturday i get a call from the local police who tell me he was driving on route128- THE WRONG WAY. Someone stopped him and got him turned around before calling in the plates.

So, my siblings and I got together with his wife and went to his house for the "intervention". It did not go well. He refused to give up his license despite all the promises of a ride whenever and wherever he needed one. He became beligerent and starting screaming at us all to get out of his house.

He is a sweet man, an oldtime draggerman, a great father and grandfather but he is simply not safe to drive anymore. His wife is overwhelmed and hopeless at this point. Myself and my siblings can not get through to him. Even when we eventually call the doctor and they take his license away, he will likely still drive.

While I truly understand that giving up independence must be the worst thing in the world for him to agree to do, I cannot allow him to drive and kill himself or others. We gave him the chance to decide for himself but now we are at a loss as to what to do next.

How have any of you folks dealt with this circumstance with aging/declining parents? Any advice on how to get him to realize he is not safe to drive? He drove down to the shop this morning to make sure they are going to fix his truck....

Thanx in advance for any suggestions...

Paul

[Raven]

......all people are different

my Father in law will be 92 in a few days
and his mind is still razor sharp
he didn't want to give up his license either
and technically he doesn't have to as he's experiencing
no dementia thus far.

So unless your Dad can start taking brain booster vitamins
such as ginko biloba that increases oxygen to your extremities
(your head) and get more exercise to oxygenate himself out of his stupor..........
(it's like he's driving in his sleep)
you should again intervene by having the RMV (dmv) re-give him
a drivers test to see if he can pass it. If he refuses to do so automatic suspension.

It's tough love and i mean no disrespect
but your now at a cross roads of saving the life of the other motorists and or their kids
as well as your Dad's life.

Just my opinion of course.

[chefchris401]

Sorry to hear about his health.

We had a similar experience with my grand mother. She crashed thru her own fence when she cut the wheel to much and stopped two feet from the house!

She didn't want to give her license up either, so we took the car away. It was the only way, she would stop driving.

It's tough to do because your taking their independence away but after she almost slammed into the house that was it.

Like raven stated make him take the teat again and if he fails no license.

Hope it works out for the best.
Good luck.
Posted from my iPhone/Mobile device

[Jimbo]

Most importantly, your family is dealing with this now, at the onset. My father-in-law did not and his wife's "memory loss" has progressed into what is obviously Alzeimers. It's beyond the initial stages and he still refuses to get professional help. When he brings it up she isn't receptive to it (she doesn't think she has a problem though her actions speak otherwise) . I would suggest, even if you have to lie to him, get him to his family doctor and let the doctor know what's been going on. The last thing you want is for your father to hurt himself or someone else. But let a professional determine what's going on and what can be done.

[nightfighter]

We got my mom moved to Brooksby Village just over a year ago. Just brought the car to my brother's house last weekend, never to return to her. We have been going over it with her for a year, but the dementia onset has had her too fearful to drive, even though she says she does. The car had virtually no miles on it since it last had an oil change. But it is a tough one. You might have to go pull a couple wires so it won't work, and have a discussion with his mechanic.... I disconnected the battery on a friend's mom's car for this very same scenario.

[mekcotuit]

My dad got diagnosed with alzheimers at 68. At about age 71 we knew he could not/should not drive anymore. My mom spoke to his doctor who wrote a letter to the RMV and told them my father was not to drive anymore. We showed the letter to my dad and though he bitched he did not drive. (my mom still kept the car keys hidden) The letter was never sent to the RMV - but my mom would show it to my dad when he would start acting up. Get your sibling together and go talk to his doctor for advice.

[Stewie]

Call the police and ask them to talk to him. If an officer decides that a driver should have his license revoked, the registry acts a lot quicker than they will if you ask. If you are friends with a police officer, ask him for advice. We are going through this with my mother in law. It doesn't really matter if she has a license or not, as she drives anyways. Maybe you should call the garage and ask them to be unable to locate the parts to repair his truck. As long as they have it, he can't drive.

[Saltheart]

Now that you've been warned (driving wong way on 128! ) its going to haunt you if he gets hurt or hurts someone else if you do nothing. You have to act.

In my Mother's case i told her she couldn't drive anymore and explained why. Every now and then I would come home from work and notice the car had moved. i would ask her if she had driven the car and she would say no (I don't know if she was covering up or just didn't remember doing it). Anyway , one day on one of her non trips she hit my truck parked in the driveway. i asked her if she did it she said no (of course) but the paint on her bumper at exactly the right height said differently. So anyway , i finally pulled the coil wire. Occasionally she would ask my what was wrong with her car , she couldn't start it. I told her it needed a new part and we had ordered it. That seemed to work until finally she went into assisted living then the Alzhiemers wing at the nursing home. For almost 2 years after taking away her ability to drive , I would see her walking around the whole property at the assisted living place and ask her what she was doing. She would tell me she was looking for her car cause she wanted to go shopping.

Anyway , the point is that you have to take away the ability for them to do it. The will not agree to it and even if one day they do agree , the next day they will forget and just go about there business like going shopping by driving to the store.

You have to figure out tyhe best way to take away their ability to drive. disable the car? Take it away all together? Its a very tough thing to be hard on your mother or father.but at that stage in their life its just like a kid. You would have no trouble making sure your 10 year old could not drive. That's how you have to think of it.

Good luck. There is a long road ahead once this sort of thing starts. You understand waiting for a kid to grow up? well now you have to understand waiting for an old person to grow down until they no longer desire to drive or simply forget they can. I hate to lay the bad news on you but stopping the driving is just the first in a long series of difficult decisions you will need to make. You have to get it straight in your own head that you are not being mean or selfish , you are taking care of them like they took care of you when you were a child. take some comfort in the knowledge that you are honestly doing what you think is best for them.

You are lucky to have a large family to talk it out with and come to a common agreement so that no one person is bearing the the responsibility for the difficult decision. Its awfully hard to have to make the decisions alone to take away their freedom, take them out of their home to assisted living , have them confined to an Alzhiemers unit. Be sure to spread all these hard decisions and actions amongst the family members. You'll all feel better about it being a group decision in the long run.

[spinncognito]

Thanks for all the input. We got lucky in that he bent the frame during his ride-on-the-rim to the shop, so it is totaled. That is the good news, the bad news is that as I was talking to his mechanic, Dad pulled up in his wifes car, her in the passenger seat. Seems she has decided to "let him drive" on a limited basis "for now". I am sure that this is her giving in to him and not having to deal with the outrage he has already and will continue to display if we even talk about him not driving.

Now we are faced with convincing her and him that something has to change....

Time to talk to my police friends.

[Stewie]

As a diabetic myself, I'd be more worried about his stumbling with words or remembering his story. This could well be from him being low blood sugar. If he is taking insulin(type 1 diabetic) and forgets to eat, he could temporarily lose his ability to think(ask my friends)

When this happens, the temporarily brainless Dad may still try to drive. I check my sugars before I drive if I feel even a little low.

[Raven]

well you want to avoid a court situation completely
where he almost ended up driving the wrong way
the other day.....

that would be a heck of allot worse than simply loosing
his privileged to operate a motor vehicle with lawyers
and the stress of it all

You don't want to agitate him into a coronary due
to the stress of loosing his independence either.

just remember that

Brain cells communicate great with sufficient 02
and begin to suffer for the lack of it...
there are many wonderful Brain restore products
on the health market that you can try.

Anything with Kelp works wonders...+ ginko biloba
his iron levels have to be adequate to "capture" the 02
for his blood to circulate it to the brain
brewers yeast improves brain cell communication too.

after age 40 we begin to deliver less oxygen to the brain
and "memory especially" begins to suffer...

[Swimmer]

What you need to do is call the registry of motor vehicles in Boston and ask if you can file an immediate threat against your father for what has recently occured. They will understand and help you with this very difficult part of taking care of your dad. In thirty seven years of policing I had to do this so many times I dont care to recall. When I did this it was because I witnessed an incident. No officers have witnessed anything as yet, so its not up to any officer nor will any officer I doubt at your request will file an immediate threat for you. Doctors can do this for you. I think most primary care doctors have the forms or at least have access to them to get a license revoked. Beware though I have seen elderly people get an attorney and actually get thier license to operate back after a hearing. I can think of one gent that hit a car three times, because he couldn't see to pull around it at 85 years of age. The third time he hit it, he also hit the owner who was trying to stop him. I had his license taken away. The son and the father went to the registry and got it back. Son came into the station to rub it in that he did so. Son didn't like it when I said it was on him from here on out not me, and good luck. Maybe speaking to the county elderly services people could help as well. In Plymouth County they hae people who actually come out and do an assessment of the person in need and will ake reccomendations. Good luck.

[Raven]

cool info swimmer
i'll keep that in mind because i expect
to be in the same boat soon enough
with my father in law... maybe next year

one thing i have witnessed
is an increasing fear of failure
that elderly just don't want to accept

and then they begin to drive with blinders on
just like horses wear in a city
and they won't look left or right
just straight ahead

that is a sure sign....

[OLD GOAT]

With my mother all of a sudden the car wouldn't start. And that was that.
I think she was ninety two

[spinncognito]

I wish this were as simple as taking the car or keys away but it is not. He is not experiencing full-blown dementia, just starting to show the signs- it could be as simple as his blood-sugars being off casuing the confusion. Regardless, he is refusing to cooperate and whoever drops a dime on him to the police or doctors will never be forgiven.

My thought at this point is to make sure the local police are aware that he is driving and let them be the bad guys.
Very difficult situtation indeed. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

[vineyardblues]

ALl very very sad ,
Another quick story
A verly close friend pulled in front of a Tractor Trailer and got hit so bad it totaled the car,The driver was fine and was so upset she just keep driving away with the car wiped out until she got to her garage

We also had to install a cement piller in her garage so she did hit the the oil tank ...it was a tuff few years and I still miss her ><>---

[nightfighter]

Wake-Up Call for Elderly Drivers | Video - ABC News

I hope maybe this story will help. He surely doesn't want to hurt, maim, or kill others....

[Raven]

good video and example

of the confusion or tunnel vision syndrome

some mental deficiencies take as many as 30+ years
to manifest themselves and "some" ARE reversible.

[jimmy z]

I had a similar situation with my dad before he passed last year. When with dad, I would never let him drive and was always nervous when i know he was. Because I saw new scrapes and small dents whenever I visited him. He had major foot surgery, which let him with half a foot on each leg, but still refused to give up driving. Declining health put him in a wheelchair, but he still refused to give up driving. We were at a point, where we were ready to pull the plug on this driving he did, but his health took a turn for the worst and he just couldn't any longer. I was relieved but yet saddened. Because I know my dad, who was so active all his life was near the end.
It's a difficult situation to be in and I wish you and your family the best in dealing with dad. God be with you, for He will show you the right way!

[spinncognito]

Thanx jimmy and my condolences for the loss of your dad. The issues we all face with our aging parents are no doubt some of the most difficult situations to manage in life. There is no instant switch to flip between independence and dependence and with my Dad, his decline has been gradual and his age still relatively low at 74.

Ross, thanx for the link- I would love to play it for the old man but he would just continue to deny that a problem exists. Gonna take someone from outside the family (Doc/Cop) to force the desired outcome.