Joke for today?

[justplugit]

Four elderly guys had been playing cards together every Friday for years.
One night one of the players said to the another, " I'm sorry, could you tell me your
name, I forgot it.
The other player paused awhile and said, "Can you give me some time?"

[Jimbo]

A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art Apple iWatch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

He says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Navy man smirks, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

[eastendlu]

I'm not going soft, but sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, and this one truly is amazing.





In 1986, Dan Harrison ( see picture above ) was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.


Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan , lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, looked to see if any guards were around and then climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosu re. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[fishaholic18]

SCHOOL -- 1958 vs. 2008

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1958 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2008 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1958 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2008 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1958 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2008 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1958 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1958 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2008 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1958 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane pain t bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1958 - Ants die.
2008 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[eastendlu]

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain were flying to a debate.



Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."



Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."



John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."



Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."





I'm voting for the Pilot

[2na]

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. 'What is wrong with you?' he demanded. 'This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: 'Does she still have the hiccups?'

[spinncognito]

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long..

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands.

"Vere dit yew git dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a Genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure. It 's right here in my tackle box," says Ole.

"Could I see him?"

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master.

Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole.

"Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

[Backbeach Jake]

How do they spell "Farm" in Polish?

EIEIO

[saltfly]

Nauset south is closed at least till friday for "our" protection

[2na]

Not funny, Bob.

[Raven]

is the JOKE of the day...

first i flip the engine cover up
and what do i see...

a mouse running from underneath the
flywheel cover...and then discover a nest
under the engine cover

i clean all that out charge the battery
add some oil and off i go merrilly
to cut my very tall lawn

i finish the front where the
walk behind mower quit
on me

made two passes out back and then i heard a HUGE
clunk.... something inside the motor broke
and it won't turn over any more.........................................

it's DEAD as a doornail ....ahhh ha ha ha what a JOKE

[eastendlu]

NEVER LIE TO A WOMAN!


A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that
Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for
a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office
& I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my
new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is,
did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking
good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But
why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"


You'll love the answer...


.The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."

[Raven]

that was excellent....

[eastendlu]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'

The woman did as she was told.

'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.


Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease.

Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'


Worried the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'



Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

[Raven]

even fish wee wee would love that one .......... Hilarious

[eastendlu]

Home lie detector
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'W e went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[gone fishin]

Guts vs. Balls

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

[redcrbbr]

THE HAIRCUT





A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed
haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk
to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down
the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your
purposes."

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted
$15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine
started to buzz and trim.

Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head and surveyed his
reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures
$20." "Why not?" he thought.

He paid the money, inserted his hands in the slot, and the machine
started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later He pulled his hands
out and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, Machine provides a service men
need when away from Their Wives, 50 cents.

He looked both ways, put 50 cents in the machine, unzipped his fly and
with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the
machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost
passed out.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member....which now
had a button neatly sewn on the end.

[gone fishin]

Officer, this is how the fight started...


I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.

So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the
car I hit gets out of his car. . and you know how you
just-get-sooo-stressed... and life...
sometimes life seems like... suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and

I get out of my car.

He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me
he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said, 'Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?'

. . . . and that's when the fight started...

[eastendlu]

Learn chinnese.

[eastendlu]

*A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. When the
> plane took off and settled into its climb, the stranger turned to the
> little girl and said 'I've always found that flights go quicker if you
> strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'**
>
> **The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
> said to the stranger, 'OK. What would you like to talk about?'**
>
> **Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?'**
>
> **'Yes,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
> you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass -- the
> same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
> flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
> suppose that is?'**
>
> **The stranger thought for a few moments, then said: 'You know, I've
> never thought about that. I have no idea.'**
>
> **The little girl began to open her book again, saying: 'Do you really
> feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh_t.*

[eastendlu]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they Were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and Son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were Amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two Shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back Together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?' The father (never having seen
An elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything Like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, A fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls And pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled Between them into a small room. The walls closed and the Boy and his father watched the small circular number above The walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and Then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the Walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old Blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly To his son

'Boy................. ..go git cha Momma..............