Joke for today?

[Bocephus]

The Italian says 'When I've a finished a makina da love withah my
wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats
6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.'

The Frenchman replies. zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze
love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick
za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above
ze bed in pure ecstacy.

The redneck says, 'That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the
ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my
weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin'ceiling

[The Dad Fisherman]

That Rocks...

[Mad Hatter]

A woman walks into a pharmacy on a hot summer day. She raises champion showdogs and one has developed an ingrown hair in it's ear days before a big show. The vet tells her to get a hair remover and gently apply it to the area. She asks the pharmacist for hair removal cream and as he is handing it over the counter he says "Might want to wear shorts so long pants don't irritate your legs after applying". She tells him it's not for her legs. "Then you probably want to wear long sleeves to keep your arms out of the hot sun". Nope, she replies, not for my arms. "Well then, what the heck is it for?" asks the pharmacist...
The woman replies "it's for my Schnauzer". He hands it across the counter and advises "don't ride a bicycle for two weeks!"

[Mad Hatter]

Speaking of Sarah Palin, this guy is driving in Nome in a snow storm, when his front wheels lock and he skids off the road into a snowbank. Dazed, he walks to the nearest building, a bar, and stumbles in, cut and greasy. "My wheels froze up and I went into a ditch" he announces. Bartender says "jeez, you blow a seal?" Guy says "Nah, thats just a little frost on my mustache!"

[Bishop169]

Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'



An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of y ears. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what' s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want any thing while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream wi th strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stare s at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys ar e out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days late r, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . .. . . .

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Mad Hatter]

A tourist gets lost on the backroads of Vermont. He pulls up to a farmhouse to get directions, and on his way up the walk he notices a 500 lb pig in a pen in the back. Not real unusual in the north country, except this porker has a wooden leg. The farmer answers the door and gives directions back to Route 89. As he turns to leave, the tourist says "What's the deal with that pig back there?"
"Oh, Flossie?" the farmer replies, "That's one damn fine pig! You know last fall when I was plowin over the winter wheat, the tractor flipped and pinned me under it while the missus was away. Flossie jumped the pen, got her snout under the tractor and forced it up so I could pull myself out. She went inside and dailed 911 with her snout and the EMTs showed up!" "Then this summer we had an electical fire in the middle of the nigh and smoke woulda got us, but Flossie crashed through the pen, broke down the back door and dragged both of us out to safety!"
"Wow. That is amazing", said the tourist - "but what about the wooden leg?"
"Hell", said the farmer, "A great pig like that - you don't eat em all at one time!"

[ProfessorM]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f#*k your brains out, and suck your t%ts dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[fishaholic18]

Lovemaking tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

(I sent this in large type so you can read it.)

[eastendlu]

ITALIAN VIRGIN

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,

she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her; "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man.

Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile,

I'll be making pasta."
So, up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother,

"all good men have hairy chests.
Go back upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom,

Tony took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants

and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry !
All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man.
G o back upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again.

When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on
his left foot he was missing three toes.

When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half !"

Her Mama said, "You stay here and stir the pasta....."

[Nebe]

Remember the plane that went down in the hudson?? These geese were seen fleeing the scene..

[gone fishin]

Blonde with a Emergency


Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car, and opened the trunk.


I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them, and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe. They are in trench coats. exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.


To my surprise, cars started slowing down...looking at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.


It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper. "What's going on here?" "My car has a flat tire," I said calmly. "Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?" I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So, I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers."

[eastendlu]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.



The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.



Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!



The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'



Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?



The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

[redcrbbr]

airline class

[thefishingfreak]

[The Dad Fisherman]

A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz

[The Dad Fisherman]

Jack was soon going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.

Jack's father said, "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.'"

Jack’s father continued, "So, she did and replied, 'These are too big, I can't wear these pants.' So I replied to your mother, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will."'

"Ever since that night we have never had any problems," concluded Jack's father.

"Hmmm," Jack said in reply. He thought his father's suggestion might be a good thing to establish on that day of new beginnings.

So on his honeymoon Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, "Here, try these on."

So she did and said, "These are too large, Jack. They don't fit me..."

Jack replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack, as she said, "Here, you try on mine!"

As she requested, he tried them. "I can't get into your pants," Jack said with a question in his tone.

Jill replied, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

[The Dad Fisherman]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each
Other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said,
'Do you know who I am?'


The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'


'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.


'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.


'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.


'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone..


'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.


'Yep,' was the calm reply.


'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.


'Nope,' said the old man..


More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'


The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

[Raven]

Global warming ! where

[The Dad Fisherman]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter. Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Do you hear me? You’re cooking TOO MANY! Turn them. TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh, my God! WHERE are we going to get more butter? They’re going to stick! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! For Pete sake USE THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him.
"What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied,
"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[FishermanTim]

A TEN-DOLLAR HOME SECURITY SYSTEM




1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's work boots, used, size 14-16. - $2.00
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine. Magazine - $3.00
3.. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and the magazine. - $5.00
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke, and Slim, I went for more shotgun shells and to pick my check up from the slaughterhouse. I should be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the Pit Bulls--don't know what got into them, but they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.

I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait out here on the porch.'
'Cooter '

[FishermanTim]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, & that's when you realize, you have been listening to your iPod.

[FishermanTim]

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at home. He was 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.

[FishermanTim]

A grizzled old surfcaster and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that surfcasters are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the old geezer would like to play a fun game.
The old man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the surfcaster's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The old fisherman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the surfcaster's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the sleepy fisherman and hands him $500. The old man pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the fisherman up and asks, 'Well, what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The grizzled old surfcaster reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[FishermanTim]

I went to dinner last week at the house of a couple of friends who are avowed democrats. I was sitting down when a political commercial came on. Their 6 year od daughter said "when I grow up , I want to be president" so I said "what would be the first thing you'd do if you were president?". She said "I'd give all the poor homeless people homes". I told her "that's admirable, honey but you don't have to wait until you're president, you could start toward that right now" and she said "how?" I said "why don't you come over to my house, rake and bag all my leaves and I'll pay you $50.00 which you can take down to the part of town where the poor homeless people spend their time and give them the $50.00 toward purchasing their home." She replied "why don't you just have the poor homeless people come over to your house, rake the leaves and give them the $50.00 for doing the work?" I said "welcome to the republican party." Her parents haven't spoken to me since.

[missing link]

I like that one

[The Dad Fisherman]

The FBI, ARMY and the LAPD are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The judge decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and whoever catches it first wins.

The FBI goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The Army goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

[Raven]

[eastendlu]

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.

[Gary]

Originally Posted by FishermanTim

I went to dinner last week at the house of a couple of friends who are avowed democrats. I was sitting down when a political commercial came on. Their 6 year od daughter said "when I grow up , I want to be president" so I said "what would be the first thing you'd do if you were president?". She said "I'd give all the poor homeless people homes". I told her "that's admirable, honey but you don't have to wait until you're president, you could start toward that right now" and she said "how?" I said "why don't you come over to my house, rake and bag all my leaves and I'll pay you $50.00 which you can take down to the part of town where the poor homeless people spend their time and give them the $50.00 toward purchasing their home." She replied "why don't you just have the poor homeless people come over to your house, rake the leaves and give them the $50.00 for doing the work?" I said "welcome to the republican party." Her parents haven't spoken to me since.

That is perfect.

[Slingah]

Three guys are fishing at the Canal when an angel appears on the rocks next to them. The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, "I've suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?" The angel touches the mans back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure his eyesight. The angel tosses his glasses in the Canal. When they hit the water, the mans vision clears, and he can see everything distinctly.
The angel now turns to the third guy, who throws up his hands in fear. "Don't touch me!" he cries. "I'm on disability!"