Joke for today?

[Nebe]

Whats the hardest thing about making the switch from surfcasting for striped bass to fly fishing for striped bass????

telling your wife your gay

[RIROCKHOUND]

Rolling on the floor laughing!!!!!

[Iwannakeeper]

Originally posted by Eben
Whats the hardest thing about making the switch from surfcasting for striped bass to fly fishing for striped bass????

telling your wife your gay

That is absolutely hysterical.........I almost fell out of my chair.

Never had the desire for fly fishing for stripers....now I know why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


LOL

[fishaholic18]

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello, How are you ! We've been waiting for you ! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been ?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion And, my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer. How do I get in ?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word ?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry .... there'll be Hell to pay later.

[Nebe]

Originally posted by Iwannakeeper
That is absolutely hysterical.........I almost fell out of my chair.

Never had the desire for fly fishing for stripers....now I know why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


LOL

Thats an Eben Original... made it up on teh fly as Crafty angler, Throwing Timber and I went Togging the other morning.

[Jimbo]

Don't see how #2 could be true...

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals tha! t can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South CarolinaState anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
They are all true....Now go back and think about #16

[fishaholic18]

Would you try this?

[fishaholic18]

Pic didn't go, I'll try again.

[TBone]

Subject: Top 10 Reasons to come to work naked

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

[fishaholic18]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "Yes, I have your name here: You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly and in an equally loud voice replied. "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don't want the same doctor that did yours."

[afterhours]

results in from the french armed forces all male nude leap frog competition:

air force- 100
army- 98
navy- 3

old benny hill spoof.

[fishaholic18]

Plummer's truck.

[Van]

Funny or NOT ???


http://terrisfp.com/flash3/mole.swf

[fishaholic18]

DEFINITION OF BARBECUING

It's the only type of cooking a "real man" will do. When a man volunteers to do the "BBQ" the following chain of events are put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store.

2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill.

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the veggies.

6) The woman goes outside to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[Bedford Blues]

Turned 52 the other day. My sister says that
i am now playing with a full deck.
i was told that i talk about fishing at nite
while i slept. Solved that problem . Now i
fish at nite.
3o yrs ago i had a girl friend who said i was
afraid of commitment. She was wrong
i am still fishing.

[HighTide]

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

MONEY SPENT

Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00

TOTAL $21.00


OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50 00

2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to be recycle!

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

MONEY SPENT

Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00

TOTAL -- $4165.00

BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT!!

[Drew]

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

8:00 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m.Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m.Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m.Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m.Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m.Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an
informant, he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the high metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ....

[missing link]

good one !!!!!!!!!!! later link sr

[justplugit]

High Tide, thats gotta be one of the funniest i've ever heard.
The sad thing is i've been there, done that, and still do it.

[fishhead]

FISHHEAD: THAT WAS GREAT!! I CAN'T STOP THE TEARS FROM ROLLIN! ROCK ON MAN!

[ThrowingTimber]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the
shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock,
will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The
young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within
seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with
hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email
on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and
says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the
shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you;
you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked -- and you don't know
a hoot about my business ... now, give me back my dog!"

[fishaholic18]

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

[HighTide]

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"

[Duke41]

caught a 30 pound striper last week and he was flopping around on the deck like a b#^&#^&#^&#^&#^&g bronco. I asked him what are you doing trying to get away. He said hell no I am trying to get inot the fish box, I would never live it down if my friends found out I got caught by you. I tell ya I get no respect...

I caught a striper last week on a home made popper. The thing was half way in his stomach. I said hey pretty good lure huh and he said no I was trying to swallow it whole so nobody couold see that I actually bite on this broom stick. I get no respect..





Rodney you were the king.

[nightfighter]

Subject: New Voting Regulations:



Due to the intense nature of the federal election this November,
>the Federal Election Commission has released new guidelines
>for voting. To enhance your voting experience, and to allow everyone
>the opportunity to vote without having to stand in line for hours on
>end, pleas note:
>
>If you are voting for George W. %$%$%$%$%$ please vote on Tuesday, November 2nd.
>If you are voting for John F. %$%$%$%$%$%$ please vote on Wednesday, November 3rd.
>
>
>F.E.C.
>
>This message has been authenticated by Dan Rather and his unbiased , CBS investigative journalists.

[Iwannakeeper]

.....How to Clean The Toilet:







1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises
that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and
rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are
no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and
run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

[fishaholic18]

2 Blondes...........
One blonde asks another, "Which is further, London or
the Moon?"
The other blonde replies, "HELLOOO, can you see London
from here?

[Fishpart]

Comprehending Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,

Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,

"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a

beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the

ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes

probably wouldn't have fit."

****************************

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass

is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it

needs to be.





*****************************

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil

Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build

targets.

***************************

Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough

features yet."

***************************

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it

was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect

said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for

an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his

mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each

assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go

to the lab and get some work done."

**************************

Comprehending Engineers - Take Six

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to

him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog

spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a

beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer

took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the

pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back

into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back

into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a

beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do

anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a

girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

[fishaholic18]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[vineyardblues]

Three baseball fans were on their way from a game when they noticed a foot
sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They looked and
discovered a nude woman, drunk and passed out.

Out of respect for the lady, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it
over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over
her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and
placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his
inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down
some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some
more notes.

The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again,
replaced it, lifted it a third time, and
replaced it one last time.

The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert
or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the officer, "I am simply surprised.
Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an #^&#^&#^&#^&#^&#^&#^&."

GO SOX!!!