The Longest Thread in History

[AnthonyN]

15 Signs You Drank Too Much

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.
8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

[AnthonyN]

Drunk Asks a Priest

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that the Pope does!"

[Slipknot]

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode
on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they
passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking
and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were
right,
so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked,
"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both
would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid
to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the
donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how
awful to
put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably
right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge,
they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might
as well kiss your ass good-bye.

[Slipknot]

GBOUTDOORS, I like that one about my Patriots.

[Slipknot]

Holy cow, I just noticed I have 1005 posts. I gotta stop flapping the keys.

[AnthonyN]

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

[AnthonyN]

Ok thats enough for today I will continue to spam tommorow.

[JohnR]

OK - jokes, that'll burn some ones & zeros...

OK - second oldest joke in the world - 90% of the world has heard it:

What's the last thing to go thru a nugs mind when he hits yer windshield???

[JohnR]

His A$$...

[Tattoo]

There once was a man from Nantucket.......

[redcrbbr]

You should have SEX on days that begin with T:

Thanksgiving,

Tuesday,

Thursday,

Today,

Tomorrow,

Thaturday?

Thunday?

Every Th#^&#^&#^&#^&#^&g day!




Sex is:

like Nokia (connecting people)

like Nike (Just do it)

like Pepsi (ask for more)

like Coca Cola (Enjoy)

like me (too good to be true)

[redcrbbr]

FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer? None.
It should be opened by the time she brings it.
--------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman
who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary
things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
--------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
--------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
--------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door,
who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
--------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.
--------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
--------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
--------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
--------------------
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
--------------------
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
--------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and
rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
--------------------
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
--------------------
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said,
"God, I wish I had your willpower."
--------------------
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't
know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.
--------------------
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted." The next day
he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
--------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
--------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

[Mike P]

Someone wanna go clue in bassmaster that we're trying to get a "longest thread in history" going?

[Mike P]

The Dog's Funeral
> >
> > Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog
>for
> > company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
>priest and
> > asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for
>the poor
> > creature?"
> >
> > Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
>for an
> > animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
>and
> > there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something
>for the
> > creature."
> >
> > Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is
>enough
> > to donate for the service?"
> >
> > Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why
>didn't ya'
> > tell me the dog was Catholic?"
> >

[redcrbbr]

John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He
could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about
enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup.
Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's
warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a
lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I
substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will," John said, pointing to the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

[Mike P]

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put
your two cents in ... what happens to the other penny?

7. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just
stale bread to begin with?

9. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?

11. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

12. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

13. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

14. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

15. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?

16. If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

17. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

18. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

19. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me. They're cramming for their
final exam.

20. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

21. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while
they deliver the mail?

22. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?

23. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

24. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

25. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

26. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.

27. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

28. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

29. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

30. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

31. If four out of five people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that
one enjoys it?

[Mike P]

You know you’re a Rhode Islander when:

1. You really believed that being the home to “The World’s Largest Shore Dinner Hall” gave the state international prestige.

2. Your father was considered to have a “travelling job” if you lived in Pawtucket and he worked in a factory in East Providence.

3. You spent hours debating whether WPRO or WICE was the better station. If you liked WICE, your favorite expression was “PRO rots”.

4. A gourmet seafood dinner was a bowl of steamers, a “stuffie” and “bake stuff shrimp” at Mama Spumonis.

5. You never understood the odd looks you got when you ordered a meatball grinder and a coffee cabinet at the airport in Atlanta.

6. “Please?” is a question, not a polite request.

7. You know deep in your heart that the PC Friars would’ve whipped the butt of that Walton Gang from UCLA in the NCAAs, if only Marvin didn’t tear his knee up in the semis against Memphis State.

8. The seminal historical event in your life was the Blizzard of ’78.

9. You walk into a black tie affair filled with Hollywood celebs and all living ex-Presidents, and the first words you say to your spouse or date are, “Look, there’s Salty Brine!!”

10. You know there’s a place called Chepachet in your state, but you’ve never been there and only marginally know that it’s “up north somewhere”. See also, Little Compton. Except you know that’s somewhere south.

11. There’s only one beach in the Ocean State worth talking about, and that’s Scahbro. Only tourists from Connecticut and western Mass go to Misquamicut.

12. You’ve drunk 3 Awful-Awfuls just to get the 4th one for free.

13. You know deep inside that if Salty was ever on a private jet with the Pope and the President, and it crashed, the next day’s headline in the Journal would read, “SALTY BRINE, TWO OTHERS PERISH IN PLANE CRASH”

14. You remember leaving a Reds’ hockey game at the old Auditorium with your eyes smarting from the cloud of smoke that obscured the ice from the cheap seats by the start of the third period.

15. Christmas meant going to the old Sears on North Main Street just to see the electric train display.

16. Your Easter clothes always came from Shartenberg’s or The Outlet. Boys sometimes got their suits at Saltzman’s.

17. You lost your cherry in the back seat of dad’s 75 Monte Carlo at the Rustic Drive-In.

18. Thanksgiving high school football games. East Providence vs. LaSalle, Cranston East vs. Cranston West, Pilgrim vs. Vets, St Ray’s vs. Tolman, Cumberland vs. Lincoln, etc. How your team did affected the taste of the turkey.

19. When a tourist asked you where a water fountain was, you directed them to Kennedy Plaza or Slater Park.

20. You remember the FEI Club and Busty Russell. As well as the El Morocco.

21. You still are shocked when you learn that Baskin-Robbins doesn’t sell coffee ice cream.

22. You know how to play Hi-Lo-Jack.

23. Your choice of what 6 PM news broadcast to watch turns on who the weather forecaster is.

24. You know the historical significance of Joe Garrahy’s flannel shirt.

25. You think that New Yorkers actually eat orange hot dogs with ground hamburger on top.

26. “Hi Neighbor, Have a ‘Gansett”.

27. No matter how good the game you were playing as a kid was, you had to be home by 5 to watch Salty Brine’s Shack.

28. Your parents booked a hotel room after a wedding in South Kingstown so they didn’t have to drive “all that way” back to Providence—or even Warwick.

29. Your idea of a mixed marriage is when you wed someone from a different parish.

30. You actually wonder why no one from the Pawtucket Times has ever been considered for a Pulitzer Prize.

31. You’ve heard Salty say “No school, Foster-Glouster” at least 1,000 times in your life.

32. The only trucks and heavy equipment you ever saw doing a highway project were from Campanella and Cardi.

33. You know someone whose distant cousin once actually voted Republican. And that was for Chaffee.

34. You’re convinced that the greatest political orator in recorded human history was John O. Pastore.

35. You know that no big-time sports announcer ever called a game as well as George Patrick Duffy or Chris Clark.

36. You bought your suits from Monticello’s as an adult because that was where Ernie D shopped.

37. Your mother still has pictures of JFK and Pope John XXIII on the mantle.

38. You’d actually consider flying in from Alaska to attend your 8th grade class reunion.

39. You’re considered to be a cosmopolitan man of the world because you know how to get to Fenway Park by car.

40. You fail to see the humor in Don Bosquet’s cartoons.

41. You vote for a convicted felon for your mayor because you really believe that “he never stopped caring about Providence”.

42. You know that the greatest event of the 20th century wasn’t landing on the moon, it was the opening of Foxwoods.

43. You buy 5 loaves of bread and 3 gallons of milk, and top off the tank with $2.75 worth of gas the second one little snowflake falls from the sky.

44. You never realized that no one west of New London, or north of Foxboro, had any idea of who Salty Brine is.

45. Your feelings about Bucky Dent depend on whether you live north or south of Providence, and also on whether your last name ends in a vowel.

46. “You can have all those smarty-pants on the Weather Channel, give me Art Lake anytime”.

47. A big part of your life vanished the day they sold Crescent Park.

48. If you live in certain areas of Providence, or in Lincoln, North Providence or Johnston, you remove your hat whenever Sinatra singing “My Way” comes on the radio.

49. You get that smug satisfaction that having a 3 day weekend in August gives you, especially when you know that no one anywhere else celebrates that holiday.

50. When you finally move into that dream house in South County, your mom in Cranston still calls and asks if you and the entire brood want to come up and stay there, “just in case”, anytime they forecast more than a dusting of snow.

[redcrbbr]

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she again asks if he would like something "How about a bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins, or maybe a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "Nope, it's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[OX]

16. Your Easter clothes always came from Shartenberg’s or The Outlet. Boys sometimes got their suits at Saltzman’s. Denise Cheltra and the Apex parkinglot(1969).

17. You lost your cherry in the back seat of dad’s 75 Monte Carlo at the Rustic Drive-In. HMMMMMMMM.

20. You remember the FEI Club and Busty Russell. As well as the El Morocco. Who could not remember Woonsockets finest?

22. You know how to play Hi-Lo-Jack. A Pitch Tourney in CentralFalls(see 16).

25. You think that New Yorkers actually eat orange hot dogs with ground hamburger on top. Nick's or NewYorkLunch.

48. If you live in certain areas of Providence, or in Lincoln, North Providence or Johnston, you remove your hat whenever Sinatra singing “My Way” comes on the radio. And you know when you order a plain pie at Caserta's, not to go back and say "Hey you forgot the cheese!".

Thanks for the memories!

[OX]

Is this about the most posts in the thread or longest.......nevermind.........dumb question time.

[bloocrab]

...Alright fellers!!!!!!!!......

.....so where are the ladies??...

Fisherwoman?....Jenn?....

[bloocrab]

....OX, I was just wondering that myself....

...there sure are some loooooooooong posts on here.....
maybe we should cut the jokes in half.....the joke on one post, the punchline on the other....increasing the number of posts...

[bloocrab]

Or we could use this thread as a "Chatroom".....


.....John, how does this effect the server??....


doesn't this "BOG" it down?....I'm so Green!!!... >>>>>>

[redcrbbr]

how about the most posts in the shortest amount of time

[redcrbbr]

bro crab you still here???

[bloocrab]

..I LOVE THE JOKES THOUGH!!!!

....Copy and Pastem' right into my joke folder!!!....

...thanks fellas.....

[redcrbbr]

i hear ya on the jokes, had some really good chuckles tonight. still have a few more. just don't want to get spanked think i'm gonna wait till i see where the line is drawn.

[bloocrab]

YA MON!!......I'm here.....

.....hey, Red.....wasn't that one of the Greatest SuperBowls you ever seen?....

....not that it had anything to do with the fact that it was the Patriots....

[bloocrab]

AAAAh.......a quick F5 to refresh the screen.....and I'm off to the races again......


.......Hey, I went with my honey....to Foxwoods this past weekend.... I like to gamble....unfortunately ....(for fun mainly of course... )

....I promised her I'd stay away from the tables....She wanted to try Bingo for the first time...I laughed about it, but.....it actually was fun.....The odds aren't bad.

.. Meaning, you pay your $20 entry fee....and you play for about 4 hours....with the chance of winning a Grand prize of $25,000....and a bunch of $5,000---down to $1,000 pots.....

......all in all.....it was A-OK!!!.....

and then.......yep, there's more...

[redcrbbr]

the whole season was FAN tastic, the last 4-5 games were incredible. the emotion that this team brought out in me was insane. my wife and i screamed, cried, and i think i almost hurled once during the raiders game. i'd have to say the closest thing i can relate it too would be my first daughters birth, or the first deer i shot.