Joke for today?

[Backbeach Jake]

How do they spell "Farm" in Polish?

EIEIO

[saltfly]

Nauset south is closed at least till friday for "our" protection

[2na]

Not funny, Bob.

[Raven]

is the JOKE of the day...

first i flip the engine cover up
and what do i see...

a mouse running from underneath the
flywheel cover...and then discover a nest
under the engine cover

i clean all that out charge the battery
add some oil and off i go merrilly
to cut my very tall lawn

i finish the front where the
walk behind mower quit
on me

made two passes out back and then i heard a HUGE
clunk.... something inside the motor broke
and it won't turn over any more.........................................

it's DEAD as a doornail ....ahhh ha ha ha what a JOKE

[eastendlu]

NEVER LIE TO A WOMAN!


A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that
Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for
a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office
& I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my
new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is,
did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking
good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But
why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"


You'll love the answer...


.The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."

[Raven]

that was excellent....

[eastendlu]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'

The woman did as she was told.

'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.


Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease.

Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'


Worried the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'



Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

[Raven]

even fish wee wee would love that one .......... Hilarious

[eastendlu]

Home lie detector
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'W e went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[gone fishin]

Guts vs. Balls

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

[eastendlu]

*A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. When the
> plane took off and settled into its climb, the stranger turned to the
> little girl and said 'I've always found that flights go quicker if you
> strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'**
>
> **The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
> said to the stranger, 'OK. What would you like to talk about?'**
>
> **Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?'**
>
> **'Yes,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
> you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass -- the
> same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
> flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
> suppose that is?'**
>
> **The stranger thought for a few moments, then said: 'You know, I've
> never thought about that. I have no idea.'**
>
> **The little girl began to open her book again, saying: 'Do you really
> feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh_t.*

[eastendlu]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they Were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and Son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were Amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two Shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back Together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?' The father (never having seen
An elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything Like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, A fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls And pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled Between them into a small room. The walls closed and the Boy and his father watched the small circular number above The walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and Then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the Walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old Blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly To his son

'Boy................. ..go git cha Momma..............

[redcrbbr]

THE HAIRCUT





A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed
haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk
to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down
the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your
purposes."

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted
$15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine
started to buzz and trim.

Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head and surveyed his
reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures
$20." "Why not?" he thought.

He paid the money, inserted his hands in the slot, and the machine
started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later He pulled his hands
out and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, Machine provides a service men
need when away from Their Wives, 50 cents.

He looked both ways, put 50 cents in the machine, unzipped his fly and
with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the
machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost
passed out.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member....which now
had a button neatly sewn on the end.

[gone fishin]

Officer, this is how the fight started...


I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.

So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the
car I hit gets out of his car. . and you know how you
just-get-sooo-stressed... and life...
sometimes life seems like... suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and

I get out of my car.

He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me
he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said, 'Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?'

. . . . and that's when the fight started...

[eastendlu]

Learn chinnese.

[SEA BASS]

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,
and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the
puzzle spread all over the table.

He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said, Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then.......




he sighed, "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

[BW from AZ]

I have 10 free tickets for the Robbie Knievel event at the fairgrounds next weekend if anybody wants them.

He's going to try to jump over 500 Obama supporters with a bull dozer

[justplugit]

Why Worry?

If you get sick your either going to get well or get worse.

If you get well, why worry?

If you get worse your either going to live or die.

If you live, why worry?

If you die your either going to heaven or hell.

If you go to heaven, why worry?

If you go to hell,
you'll be so busy saying hello to your old friends you won't have time to worry.

[BxBomber]

Well since Crash is getting married....
What's the difference between married men and single men???



A single man comes home, looks in the fridge then gets into bed, a married man comes home looks in the bed, then goes to the fridge

[nightfighter]

oh yeah....

[gone fishin]

Be Careful - A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot Customer
customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out

shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite

traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to

you or your friends.


Here's how the scam works: Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come

over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both

start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts

almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to

look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and

instead

ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat.


On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs

over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other

one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,

20th & 24th. Also July 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th,

three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.


So tell your friends to be careful.



P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale 2.99 each.

[FishermanTim]

Gone fishin, I had to control myself to keep from howling out loud at work. That's a good one!

[afterhours]

[eastendlu]

THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK





FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband
didn't say a word...
he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men’s balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter
asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be

punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with
my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No'.
I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the

weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they
were laughing so hard!

[eastendlu]

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.

Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.

We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.


Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.



Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

[eastendlu]

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a
> break in their soon-to-be new store.
>
> As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
> shelves set up.
>
> One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some
> idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the
> window, and ask what we're selling.'
>
> No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure
> enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a
> peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked, 'What might
> ye be sellin' here?'
>
> One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're
> selling a**-holes.'
>
>
> Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said,
> 'You're doin' well ... only two left!'

[fishsmith]

Time for unity...
There are less than four months until the election that will decide the next President of the United States. Let's show our solidarity as Americans, let everyone know you are voting....

Be proud show your fellow Americans your choice.

If you support John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day.


If you support Obama, please drive with your headlights off at night.

Thank you for your participation in this patriotic endeavor

[Van]

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour and 'dumb blonde' jokes when a well-dressed blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts:

'I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, you jerk!
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What
connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their
fundamental worth as a human being?' 'It's morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your Neanderthal brethren continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs.' 'You are a pathetic, misogynistic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot.'

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde
yells:

'You stay out of this mister!
I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee.'

[redcrbbr]

Mike and Bob had just finished the first nine holes in their round of golf, and it was obvious that Mike was having an awful day.

"Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today. What's the matter?" asked Bob.

Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Connie's dead."

"My God! That's terrible," said Bob, "but you said you only THINK your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?"

"Well, I just don't know" responded Mike, "the sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up."

[fishbones]

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up
at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different
barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were even afraid to start a
conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who
had Obama in his chair reached for the after shave.
Obama was quick to stop him, saying: 'No thanks,
my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've
been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to McCain and said:
'How about you?' McCain replied: "Go ahead.
My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse
smells like."