Joke for today?

[mekcotuit]

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said,
"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to
each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said
the wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the
Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands. Then it was the husband's
turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very
romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm
sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
wish...

So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92
years old.

The moral of the story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember that fairies are female.

[fishaholic18]

Only a West Virginian could think of this. From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside the Hilltop Tavern in Rootstown, Ohio~~ After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing



After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.



Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.



The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly . "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[afterhours]

a is walking into a pet store at in a mall and there'a a parrot at the entrance. as the guy enters the parrot says" know what?" and the guy replies "what", the parrot says "you're really stupid and your wife is ugly" the guy walks into the store to buy something. on his way out the parrot says" know what?" guy says "what" parrot says "you're really stupid and your wife is ugly". at this point the guy is pissed off and goes to the manager and tells him. the manager says the parrot would never say that and they both go over to him. tha parrot says to the guy "know what?" guy says "what" the parrot says "you know what". i know long and corny- made me laugh.

[The Dad Fisherman]

A man was walking down the street when he was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten
dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will
you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the
homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying
food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless
man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to
stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf
course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I
haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red
light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?"
exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you
the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for
a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm
dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important
for her to see what a man looks like after he has
given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

[reelecstasy]

Originally Posted by The Dad Fisherman

George Bush is sitting in the Whitehouse when the Chief of Staff comes running in.

"Mr President, we just got word that 25 Brazilian troops were just killed in Iraq"

Mr. Bush looks at him in stunned Silence for a moment and then says "Thats Terrible, But I'm a little confused....How many is a Brazilian?

That made me laugh out loud

[mekcotuit]

Attachment 15207

[Jimbo]

A guy I know bought the pickup truck used in the movie Brokeback Mountain.

It was auctioned online @ eBay for $2800.

He says that is cheap for an authentic movie prop. It even runs. In above average condition, overall, despite having been rear-ended a couple of times.

[fishsmith]

How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?

.
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He marks the camels that kick with an X

[fishaholic18]

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the tv was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, the father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That morning the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can use this stuff, I'll constantly need new batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist.

Passing the optimists room, the father found him dancing with joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which the optimist replied "There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere."

[afterhours]

[Nebe]

hahahahaha!!!!

[vanstaal]

[justplugit]

LMAO, good one Karl, i can picture it happening.

[vanstaal]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

" Stanley ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right,
question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks
him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley ?"

[gone fishin]

Wal Mart Has Everything!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars .. . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, the computer lights up, and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart"

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[BW from AZ]

I Miss Bill Clinton




It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV. There was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.


"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.



Number 1 - He played the sax.

Number 2 - He smoked weed.

Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.



Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't!



And, he gets a check from the government every month.

[justplugit]

[HESH2]

Family owned hardware business located in new york city required all family start at bottom and work themselves up the ladder to a better position.the owners youngest son was told to go to all the new england states and take orders and show new products.on driving through maine for 3 hours he has to take a sh*t.he has not passed anyplace to stop.he see a pumpkin patch and pull out a knife,cuts the top off the pumpkin and sits and proceeds to do his business.he put the top back on the pumpkin and after driving down the road for a mile he comes to a gas station general store.after he goes all the way to the candian boarder on his way back he stops at the general store and goes inside.chatting with the clerk he tell him about the pumpkin and then he goes on his way.the clerk cranked up the phone and said vi this is cy that was sh*t in the pumpkin pie.

[fishsmith]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. About lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be too afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. Chapped lips? Rub chicken %$%$%$%$ on them. It won't ease the chapping, but it will keep you from licking them.

9. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are. You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. (me buck and mo were just talking about this)

And finally.....Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

[fishaholic18]

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says:

"You're next, fatty."

[Nebe]

Bill Gates vs General Motors

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that :

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."



In response to Gates' comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:


If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

[Squid kids Dad]

f18....lol

[fishaholic18]

Originally Posted by Squid kids Dad

f18....lol

[BW from AZ]

At last, a bumper sticker for both parties.

FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100%
bipartisan political bumper sticker. The hottest
selling bumper sticker comes from New York state .

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper.

[BW from AZ]

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in
Phoenix. The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of
Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on
the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to
keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I
can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the
city. But, you must promise not to
ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask
one question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the
free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat,
and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew
up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the
blue pigeon. They gathered up behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix
pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop
city Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the
blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of
the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor
presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that,
indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to
no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5
million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.

The mayor asked: "Do you have any blue Mexicans?"

[gone fishin]

A lady wrote the best letter in the Editorials in ages!! It explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV:


"Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.


Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, "I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors; I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).


According to the protesters, not only must you let me stay, you must add me to your family's insurance plan, educate my kids, and provide other benefits to me and to my family (my husband will do your yard work because he too is hard-working and honest, except for that breaking in part). If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my right to be there.


It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm hard-working and honest, um, except for well, you know.


And what a deal it is for me!! I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being an anti-housebreaker. Oh yeah, and I want you to learn my language so you can communicate with me."


Why can't people see how ridiculous this is? Only in America ....if you agree, pass it on (in English) . Share it if you see the value of it as a good smile. If not blow it off along with your future Social Security funds

[The Dad Fisherman]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[BW from AZ]

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in The Logan City Cemetery, Logan,
Utah


FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't
lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to
be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each
other.

[jerseycat9]

Steve and three of his buddies had gone fishing every Saturday for nearly forty years.One Saturday, the guys are fishing along a highway when a funeral procession drives by. As it passes by, Steve lays down his pole, stands up in the boat, takes off his lucky hat and places it over his heart. This processional is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass. Once it passes, Steve sits down, puts his hat on and casts out without saying a word. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions. One of them finally speaks up and says, "Wow Steve,that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by. " Steve replied, " It seems the least I could do seeing as how I was married to the woman for over 40 years!"


One for the ladys
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's
obiturary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word
and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She
thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two
dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he
thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no
charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete
died. Boat for sale

[stripersnipr]

Dear Abby,


My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job seven years ago, he hasn't even looked for a
new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bull%$%$%$%$ with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that
I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed,

Clueless

*****************************************

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.