Joke for today?

[fishaholic18]

BLONDE POLICE OFFICER ,,,,,
A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde in her Porsche for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver's license. The blonde Porsche driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture
on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.
After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says.........
"If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."

[fishaholic18]

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

[fishaholic18]

Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."


Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

[Jimbo]

The Man Code

1. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him.

2. Under no circumstances may two guys share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow attendees.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not - and should not - provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination. Beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call out, "Bull#^&#^&#^&#^&e!" (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits ... forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every increment of hotness she scores on the classic "1-to-10" Babe Scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may, however, gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission. He, in return, is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be regarded as spies until they demonstrate a knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a
buffalo wing clean.

14.. If a guy's zipper is down, that's his problem. You didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or even like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare the excuse about joining the
priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel
... and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. (Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good
ass-whoopin'," then you may sit back and enjoy).

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:

"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be referring to his beer choice.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

27.. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

[fishaholic18]

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. He wanted to continue living in their downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he asked his wife to move out and get another place. His wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3 days alone at the apartment to pack up her things. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet. Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to move. They could not find a buyer for their stinky apartment so they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home...including the curtain rods.

[fishaholic18]

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12.. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

And last, but not least...

31. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is!

[missing link]

fishaholic18,,

[NaCl H2O]

Saw this one in the Sun..

A MAN walks into the dentist's office with a toothache, and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll go with the gas."

The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says, "Take this pill".

The man asks, "What is it?" And doc replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?"

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

[FishermanTim]

mixed with chapstick to help you keep a stiff upper lip.

mixed with Visine, making it easy to stare straight ahead.

mixed with a earwax remover, for those who are hard of hearing.

mixed with Purina dog chow, for hunters dogs (pointers)

[fishaholic18]

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"

[Nebe]

Fishaholic your killin me:


Whats worse than finding clams on your guitar and lobsters on your piano??

finding crabs on your organ

[BigMike]

What do you call it when you're fishing for bass and you catch one on accident?

[BigMike]

A fluke

[fishaholic18]

Originally posted by Eben
Fishaholic your killin me:


Whats worse than finding clams on your guitar and lobsters on your piano??

finding crabs on your organ

[Nebe]

This one is tasteless:

What's Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder's favorite color??


Courderoy

[BigMike]

booooooo

[missing link]

have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano?
.
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..
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.neither has he

[Iwannakeeper]

There was an old gal wandering around the supermarket calling out,
"Crisco,
Cri-i-i-i sssssssco!"



Soon a store clerk approached. "Ma'am, the Crisco is in aisle D."



The old lady replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff, I am
calling my husband"



"Your husband's name is Crisco?"



The old woman answered, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call him that when we're
out in public."



"Well, what do you call him when you are at home?"



"Lard a$$."

[Iwannakeeper]

Wish I could be this good a sales person The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Mikey's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Mikey walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said! Little Mikey.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Mikey, "I set up a Dip &Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing: 'Hey, this tastes like #^&#^&#^&#^&!'

Then I would say, "It is #^&#^&#^&#^&. Wanna buy a toothbrush ?"

[fishaholic18]

.: BIG DAY SATURDAY


MARK YOUR CALENDARS FOR THIS SATURDAY!!!

AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES.

SO THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AMERICAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOUSE COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBORHOOD TERRORISTS.

CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED FOR THIS ANTI-TERRORIST EFFORT.

ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK ITS OKAY TO SEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIFE AND TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR ALL AMERICAN WOMEN.

AND SINCE THE TALIBAN ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR ANTI-TALIBAN SENTIMENT.

THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON.

[fishaholic18]

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

[Jimbo]

When I got home last night,
My wife demanded that I take her out
to some place expensive.


So I took her to the gas station

[Jimbo]

Not many people know that Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb, was an avid fisherman. He usually included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations. During one such trip to the West he was befriended by an Indian tribe. They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay.

On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old-fashioned outhouse. To make things worse, it had no light even though the village had electricity in the homes.

As a thank-you gift for their kindness, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians' privy. He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.

[NaCl H2O]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" She shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breath?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no, again.
The hillbilly walks over to her, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks
down her drawers and quickly gives one of her butt cheeks a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His parner says "Ya know, I"d heerd o' that thar 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it!"

[Nebe]

A guy who has lived his entire life in the city decides to drop everything and move up to the mountians of the north country to write a book. he buys a cabin and doesn't see a soul for may... june.... july... august... sept... oct... then thanksgiving rolls around and he's really depressed. About a week into december he gets a knock on the door. he opens it to find a really old hillbilly with a beard down to his knees and looks like he hasn't bathed in about a year. The Hllbilly says "Hi, I'm your neighbor.. i live down the road about about 20 miles from here. I'm having a little chrismas party and I'd like to envite ya." The city guy says, 'Great i'd love to come... what should I expect at this party?" The hillbilly replys...."well, we usually start off with a little drinking, followed up with some heavy drinking... then some drugs. Then there will usually be some fighting, oh there will be lots of fighting... and then sex. Lots of sex". The city guy says- "great! this reminds me of my city days, what should I wear???" the hillbilly guy says-" oh i dont care, its just going to be the 2 of us!"

[fishaholic18]

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the
Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just offshore. A
helpless man, wearing a New York Yankees jersey, was struggling
frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark .
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with
men wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a
harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the
man on board.
Then using autographed Nomar Garciaparra baseball bats, the three
Beantown heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I
heard that there was some bitter hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans,
but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."
"Who was that?" "It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God
and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom,
but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing ... how's the bait holding
up?"

[Hooked4ever]

[NaCl H2O]

Originally posted by fishaholic18
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the
Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just offshore

great joke!

[Jimbo]

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential election
that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential
candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough
votes to win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing
contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner.
There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc.,
but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to
settle things. The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of
the week wins.
After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the
contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin.
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be
Sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their
catch for counting and verification. At the end of the first day,
Kerry returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish.
Soon, George W. returns and has zero fish.
Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad day or something
and hopefully, he will catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day Kerry comes in with 20 fish and George W.
comes in again with none. That evening, #^&#^&#^&#^& Cheney gets together
secretly with George W. and says, "I think Kerry is a lowlife cheatin'
son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing.
Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way.
The next night (after Kerry comes back with 50 fish), Cheney says
to George W., "Well, what about it, is Kerry cheatin?'"
"He sure is, #^&#^&#^&#^&, he's cutting holes in the ice."

[Van]

TRIP TO HOOTERS:

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local
Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every
once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent..
She walked up to the bartender, and asked,
"May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

Why not?" the nun asked?

"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private
parts are covered only by a fig leaf."

Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and
she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out,
and the w! hole place was hopping with music and dancing again.
However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round
of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand.
Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender.
"Would you like a drink?"

But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig
leaf on the statue islifted up, the lights go out in the whole place.

Now, how about that drink?