Joke for today?

[tynan19]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on
top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's
probably spent a lot
of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do
whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very
dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in
my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I
love you, too!"

[fishaholic18]

Questions that really need answers...

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm
gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song
about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff,
why didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?

13 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have
the same tune?

14. Why are you singing it to yourself? you didn't believe
me?..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he
gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his
head out the window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it
arrive faster?

18. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

19. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address in the
first place?

[fishaholic18]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.


The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.


The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million

> >replacement Mexicans

[reelecstasy]

One day, in line at the
company cafeteria, Joe says
to Mike, "My elbow hurts like
crazy. I guess I better see a
doctor."



"Listen, you don't have to
spend that kind of money,"
Mike replies. "There's a
diagnostic computer down at
Wal-Mart. Just give it a
urine sample and the computer
will tell you what's wrong
and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and costs
ten dollars... a lot cheaper
than a doctor."



So Joe puts a urine sample
in a small jar and takes it
to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten
dollars, and the computer
lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the
sample into the slot and
waits.



Ten seconds later, the
computer ejects a printout:



"You have tennis elbow. Soak
your arm in warm water and
avoid heavy activity. It will
improve in two weeks.Thank
you for shopping at Wal-Mart."



That evening while thinking
how amazing this new
technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer
could be fooled.



He mixed some tap water, a
stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife
and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure. Joe
hurried back to Wal-Mart,
eager to check the results.



He deposited ten dollars,
poured in his concoction, and
awaited the results.



The computer then prints the
following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.

Thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart

[The Dad Fisherman]

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.

[Van]

This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word HONDA."

"That's very interesting, I've never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor.

The guy fires one off and sure enough, the doctor hears "HONDA!"

After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy, the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guy’s farts say, "HONDA."

Finally, as a last resort, the doctors send him to a dentist. After listening to the problem, the dentist opens up the guys mouth and examines it.

"A-haa!!!!,” says the dentist, "....I have solved the problem."

"What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc"

The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscessed tooth."

"Yeah....so?", says the guy, "What has that got to do with my farts?"

The dentist replies . . .

"Cant you see…Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA"

[The Dad Fisherman]

Ughhhh!! That was painfull

[fishaholic18]

Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats, and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?
BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK!!!

[fishsmith]

Catholic Boys

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been
with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you,
little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is."
And, who was the woman you were with?" "I can't be
tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out
sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a
steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've
sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church
mass for three months.Be off with you now." Tommy
walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over
and whispers,"What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads"

[fishaholic18]

A hillbilly, young Kenny, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" ? Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." Kenny grew up and eventually became the Chairman of Enron.

[fishaholic18]

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a
woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all
the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked
my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs,
splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Stupid women drivers !

[teaser]

One day Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach collecting shells when she looked down and saw an old brass lamp.

She decided it may be worth a couple of bucks if she cleaned it up so she starting rubbing the side of it and "POOF' a magic genie appeared!

Monica was so excited saying "wow - a magic genie", I'm gonna get 3 wishes, but the genie stpooed her abruptly her by saying "no, you only get one wish."

She says " what do you mean I only get one wish, why not 3 wishes?"

The genie says " well, you already have fame and fortune so you only get one wish."

She stood there for a minute thinking real hard, and then she says " okay, I've got it, since I only get one wish and I already have fame and fortune, the only thing I can think of what I really want right now is that I'd like to lose these love handles I've got."

The genie says you're wish is my command and "POOF" her ears dissappeared!

[Bass Babe]

I got a new car radio yesterday, and it is terrific !!

If I say "Rock" it plays Rock and Roll,

If I say "Rap" it plays Rap Music,

If I say "Love" it plays Love Music.

Three kids ran out in front of the car,

And I said F*&%ing Kids,

And it played Michael Jackson.

[fishsmith]

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative,"
said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington DC

[Nebe]

[Iwannakeeper]

A old lady went to the doctors for an extreme flatulence problem. She is seen by the doctor and she explains "Doctor, I do not know what is wrong. I seem to pass wind nearly constantly. I have pass gas 5 times since you came in the room."

She continues, "the good news is it has no smell and no sound, so I assume no one else can tell, but it is very concerning none the less."

The doctor gives her a thorough examination and tells her to take a prescription for 1 week then return to see him.

A week passes and she is back with the Doctor. She exclaims "Doc, what did you give me. I still pass wind constantly, and it still makes no sound, but the smell is horrible. I nearly gag when I smell it."

The doctor replies 'That good dear, now that we have you sinusus cleared up, lets see what we can do about your hearing."

[fishsmith]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine
children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,
they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to
fit
onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man
as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a
piece

of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of
YOUR

stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

[Jimbo]

> > > Subject: Sharon at the White House
> > >
> > > Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a
> > state dinner. Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and
>have a
> > > truly Jewish meal. At the dinner that night, the first course served
>was matzoh ball soup.
> > > George W. looks at this and after learning what it is called, he tells
>an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew.
> > > The aide says that Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least
>taste
>it.
> > > Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate sheep's eye in
>honor
> > of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and
> > > retrieves a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitates, then
> > > swallows. A big grin appears on his face. He finds that he really
>likes it, and digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.
> > > "That was delicious," Bush says to Sharon. "Do Jews eat any other part
>of the matzoh, or just the balls?"

[justplugit]

Waay to funny, Karl.

[Nebe]

-Two Muslim Extremists are sitting in a cave while smoking hashish and chatting over a pint of fermented goat's milk.
The first Muslim Extremist pulls out his wallet and starts flipping
through pictures, and they start reminiscing
"This is my oldest son, he's a martyr."
"Praise Allah! You must be so very proud," says the other
yes, and this is my second son. He's a martyr also."
"A fine looking man... praise be to Mohammed!" replies his comrade
After a pause and a deep sigh, the Muslim Extremist says wistfully, "They
blow up so fast, don't they?"

[hooked]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then, he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring
your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Pete
and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you", the woman responded. "This may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their
cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with them.

Immediately, her parrots said, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put
the beads away, Pete, our prayers have been answered!"

[Jimbo]

Wal-Mart will have its own wine...

Some Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto,California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."

So, here we go: The top 12 suggested names for Walmart Wine:

13. Chateau Traileur Parc

12. White Trashfindel

11. Big Red Gulp

10. Grape Expectations

9. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"

8. NASCARbernet

7. Chef Boyardeaux

6. Peanut Noir

5. Chateau des Moines

4. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

3. World Championship Riesling

2. Sams Shiraz

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine .

1. Nasti Spumante


The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with both white meat (Possum) and red meat (squirrel).

Say the word COW before each word.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now say the word COW After each word

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now say the word COW before AND after each word.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now read just the words upwards from the bottom.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4- Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look

Got Ya

This is FICTION


A pair of jumper cables came in to the bar and the bar tender said i'll give you a beer if you dont start any thing...

[The Dad Fisherman]

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him
and say's "Hello".

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from,
so he says "Do you know me?"

To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his
wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that
I screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your
partner whipped my ass with wet celery?"

She said . . . "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

[Van]

Joke in a pic.

Great detail all the way to her cigarette...

[hunan]

funny, that doesn't look like daryl.

[fishaholic18]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[The Dad Fisherman]

George Bush is sitting in the Whitehouse when the Chief of Staff comes running in.

"Mr President, we just got word that 25 Brazilian troops were just killed in Iraq"

Mr. Bush looks at him in stunned Silence for a moment and then says "Thats Terrible, But I'm a little confused....How many is a Brazilian?

[justplugit]

With all the trauma and sadness going on in the world, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went un-noticed last month because of Hurricane Katrina.
Larry La Prise the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.


What if the hokey pokey IS what it's all about?