Joke for today?

[Jimbo]

> > > Subject: Sharon at the White House
> > >
> > > Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a
> > state dinner. Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and
>have a
> > > truly Jewish meal. At the dinner that night, the first course served
>was matzoh ball soup.
> > > George W. looks at this and after learning what it is called, he tells
>an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew.
> > > The aide says that Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least
>taste
>it.
> > > Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate sheep's eye in
>honor
> > of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and
> > > retrieves a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitates, then
> > > swallows. A big grin appears on his face. He finds that he really
>likes it, and digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.
> > > "That was delicious," Bush says to Sharon. "Do Jews eat any other part
>of the matzoh, or just the balls?"

This is FICTION


A pair of jumper cables came in to the bar and the bar tender said i'll give you a beer if you dont start any thing...

[The Dad Fisherman]

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him
and say's "Hello".

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from,
so he says "Do you know me?"

To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his
wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that
I screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your
partner whipped my ass with wet celery?"

She said . . . "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

[Van]

Joke in a pic.

Great detail all the way to her cigarette...

[hunan]

funny, that doesn't look like daryl.

[fishaholic18]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[The Dad Fisherman]

George Bush is sitting in the Whitehouse when the Chief of Staff comes running in.

"Mr President, we just got word that 25 Brazilian troops were just killed in Iraq"

Mr. Bush looks at him in stunned Silence for a moment and then says "Thats Terrible, But I'm a little confused....How many is a Brazilian?

[spinncognito]

A lawyer and a blond woman happen to be sitting next .
to each other on a long cross-country flight. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

Now this blonde happens to be highly intelligent, but she's tired and
politely declines and turns toward the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vise-versa."

Again the blonde declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the
match, so he makes another offer, "Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there would be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance fromthe earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse and pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes back down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his colleagues and friends, trying to get some help, all to no avail.

After almost two hours he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the money and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, is going nuts trying to figure it out.

Finally, he wakes the blonde again and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes back down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep

[Jimbo]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had
previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding
night, she told her new husband, "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if
you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept
telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he w as never
really sure how it was supposed to function, but he
said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything
checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get
the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew
he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able
to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic
process but wanted three years to research, implement,
and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew
how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a
product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was
talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at
it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did
was...Go d, I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm
gonna get SCREWED!

[fishaholic18]

How are a drunk guy and a bumber sticker alike?
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They're both hard to get off.

[Sudsrat]

Cooking Eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we
going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."


Steve

[Jimbo]

It's pretty sad when your own teenager sens you this in an email and says, "Look dad, a joke written specifically about you."

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,? "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.? If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
?
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

[fishaholic18]

How To install a wireless security system:
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big
dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to
get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the Pit bulls, they've just been wormed."

[justplugit]

Waay to funny, Karl.

[Nebe]

-Two Muslim Extremists are sitting in a cave while smoking hashish and chatting over a pint of fermented goat's milk.
The first Muslim Extremist pulls out his wallet and starts flipping
through pictures, and they start reminiscing
"This is my oldest son, he's a martyr."
"Praise Allah! You must be so very proud," says the other
yes, and this is my second son. He's a martyr also."
"A fine looking man... praise be to Mohammed!" replies his comrade
After a pause and a deep sigh, the Muslim Extremist says wistfully, "They
blow up so fast, don't they?"

[hooked]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then, he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring
your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Pete
and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you", the woman responded. "This may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their
cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with them.

Immediately, her parrots said, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put
the beads away, Pete, our prayers have been answered!"

[Jimbo]

Wal-Mart will have its own wine...

Some Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto,California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."

So, here we go: The top 12 suggested names for Walmart Wine:

13. Chateau Traileur Parc

12. White Trashfindel

11. Big Red Gulp

10. Grape Expectations

9. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"

8. NASCARbernet

7. Chef Boyardeaux

6. Peanut Noir

5. Chateau des Moines

4. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

3. World Championship Riesling

2. Sams Shiraz

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine .

1. Nasti Spumante


The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with both white meat (Possum) and red meat (squirrel).