Joke for today?

[Van]

Joke in a pic.

Great detail all the way to her cigarette...

[hunan]

funny, that doesn't look like daryl.

[fishaholic18]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[The Dad Fisherman]

George Bush is sitting in the Whitehouse when the Chief of Staff comes running in.

"Mr President, we just got word that 25 Brazilian troops were just killed in Iraq"

Mr. Bush looks at him in stunned Silence for a moment and then says "Thats Terrible, But I'm a little confused....How many is a Brazilian?

[justplugit]

With all the trauma and sadness going on in the world, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went un-noticed last month because of Hurricane Katrina.
Larry La Prise the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.


What if the hokey pokey IS what it's all about?

[NaCl H2O]

Originally Posted by justplugit

With all the trauma and sadness going on in the world, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went un-noticed last month because of Hurricane Katrina.
Larry La Prise the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.


What if the hokey pokey IS what it's all about?

LMAO...... good one!!

[boot man]

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.
With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.

"Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

[reelecstasy]

Originally Posted by The Dad Fisherman

George Bush is sitting in the Whitehouse when the Chief of Staff comes running in.

"Mr President, we just got word that 25 Brazilian troops were just killed in Iraq"

Mr. Bush looks at him in stunned Silence for a moment and then says "Thats Terrible, But I'm a little confused....How many is a Brazilian?

That made me laugh out loud

[mekcotuit]

Attachment 15207

[Jimbo]

A guy I know bought the pickup truck used in the movie Brokeback Mountain.

It was auctioned online @ eBay for $2800.

He says that is cheap for an authentic movie prop. It even runs. In above average condition, overall, despite having been rear-ended a couple of times.

[spinncognito]

A lawyer and a blond woman happen to be sitting next .
to each other on a long cross-country flight. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

Now this blonde happens to be highly intelligent, but she's tired and
politely declines and turns toward the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vise-versa."

Again the blonde declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the
match, so he makes another offer, "Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there would be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance fromthe earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse and pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes back down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his colleagues and friends, trying to get some help, all to no avail.

After almost two hours he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the money and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, is going nuts trying to figure it out.

Finally, he wakes the blonde again and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes back down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep

[Jimbo]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had
previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding
night, she told her new husband, "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if
you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept
telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he w as never
really sure how it was supposed to function, but he
said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything
checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get
the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew
he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able
to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic
process but wanted three years to research, implement,
and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew
how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a
product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was
talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at
it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did
was...Go d, I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm
gonna get SCREWED!

[fishaholic18]

How are a drunk guy and a bumber sticker alike?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
..
.
.
They're both hard to get off.

[Sudsrat]

Cooking Eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we
going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."


Steve

[Jimbo]

It's pretty sad when your own teenager sens you this in an email and says, "Look dad, a joke written specifically about you."

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,? "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.? If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
?
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

[fishaholic18]

How To install a wireless security system:
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big
dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to
get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the Pit bulls, they've just been wormed."

[Goose]

why did helen keller wear tight waders?
























so you can read her lips

[Goose]

A man goes to the doctor because his 'unit' is orange.

The doctor checks him out and says " Mr. Jones I can't find anything wrong with you. Your blood work looks good as does everything else.' The doctor thinks for a minute and then asks "Tell me what you do. You know, your daily routine."

Mr. Jones say's " Well I don't do much. Mainly I just sit around and watch porno while eating my Cheeto's."

[justplugit]

A good friend wil come and bail you out of jail---- a true friend will be sitting next to you sayin, "was that fun or what".

[Fishpart]

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzales said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval, with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".

[fishaholic18]

Sad, but true and pretty funny.
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 (pass along to someone you know who is)

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M..

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

14. You sing along with elevator music.

15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

[mekcotuit]

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said,
"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to
each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said
the wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the
Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands. Then it was the husband's
turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very
romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm
sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
wish...

So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92
years old.

The moral of the story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember that fairies are female.

[fishaholic18]

Only a West Virginian could think of this. From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside the Hilltop Tavern in Rootstown, Ohio~~ After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing



After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.



Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.



The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly . "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[afterhours]

a is walking into a pet store at in a mall and there'a a parrot at the entrance. as the guy enters the parrot says" know what?" and the guy replies "what", the parrot says "you're really stupid and your wife is ugly" the guy walks into the store to buy something. on his way out the parrot says" know what?" guy says "what" parrot says "you're really stupid and your wife is ugly". at this point the guy is pissed off and goes to the manager and tells him. the manager says the parrot would never say that and they both go over to him. tha parrot says to the guy "know what?" guy says "what" the parrot says "you know what". i know long and corny- made me laugh.

[fishaholic18]

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the tv was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, the father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That morning the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can use this stuff, I'll constantly need new batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist.

Passing the optimists room, the father found him dancing with joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which the optimist replied "There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere."

[afterhours]

[vanstaal]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

" Stanley ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right,
question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks
him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley ?"

[gone fishin]

Wal Mart Has Everything!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars .. . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, the computer lights up, and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart"

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart