Joke for today?

[NaCl H2O]

Originally Posted by justplugit

With all the trauma and sadness going on in the world, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went un-noticed last month because of Hurricane Katrina.
Larry La Prise the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.


What if the hokey pokey IS what it's all about?

LMAO...... good one!!

[boot man]

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.
With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.

"Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

[fishaholic18]

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that
Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million
Muslims and one blonde with big boobs".

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big boobs? Why
kill a blonde with big boobs?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you
no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

[Canalman]

A 7 year old boy and a 5 year old boy are sitting in their bedroom after dinner, the 9 year old says to the 7 year old, "Y'know we're gtting to be pretty old, I think it's time we start to swear like Dad"

The 5 year old thinks for a minute and says "OK"

The 7 year old then says "OK, tomorrow at breakfast, I'll use 'Hell' and you try and work in the word 'ass'. Sound like a plan?"

The 5 year old agrees and they go to bed.

The next morning they wake up and head for the breakfast table. The boys' mother greets them with a smile and asks the 7 year old what he'd like for breakfast.

"Ah.. Hell, give me some cheerios"

The boys mother grabs him by the ear and screams at him, carries him up the stairs, spanks him and tells him to stay in his room until Dinner.

She then returns to the table and says, "now what would you like?''

The 5 year old replies "Well you can bet your ass I don't want cheerios"

[missing link]

I was putting my boat in at the ramp and I noitced an old guy crying his eyes out at the dock , I launched the boat and tied up hopped out and asked his if he was ok -- he said it's my 75th birthday and I have a 22yr old girlfriend and a couple of VIAGRA, I said to him what wrong with that you should be clicking your heels - he said I forget where I live.
LINK SR

[justplugit]

An elderly Italiian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of

impending death he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette

sprinkled cookies wafting up the stairs.Gathering his little remaining strenght

he lifted himself off the bed. Leaning against the wall he painfully made his

way,to the stairs and with even with greater effort he gripped the stair rail

with both hands and crawled downstairs. With labored breath he leaned against the door

against the door frame gazing into the kitchen. Where if were not for deaths agony he would

have thought himself already in heaven, for there spread out on waxed paper

on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette

sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven or was it one final act of heroic love from

his wife of 60 years seeing to it he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great last bit of strength he ended crumpled on nis knees on

the floor near the table. His parched lips parted the wonderous taste of the

cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged

and crippled hand trembled on it's way to the cookie on the edge of the table

when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife....

"don't touch
she said,
there for the
funeral".

[The Dad Fisherman]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! Why are you rushing to the front?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her A$$ in it."

[fishaholic18]

[Jimbo]

>
>Seniority!!
>
>A very self-important college freshman at a recent USC football game, took
>it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it
>was impossible for the older generation to understand his own.
>
>"You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive, world," the student
>said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "We young people today grew
>up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our
>spaceships have visited Mars... We even have nuclear energy, electric and
>hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing .... and uh.."
>
>Taking advantage of a pause for breath in the student's litany, the
>"wizened" one said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have those things when we
>were young...so we invented them.. you arrogant little sh-thead!!
>Now.... what are you doing for the next generation??"
>

[sportsman]

The Boss was in a quandary.

He had to fire somebody.

He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you just jack off?" she says. "I feel like %$%$%$%$ today."

[vineyardblues]

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for
me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.


Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

[SolOmoN]

www.ritrialsclub.com/uploads/barmon.wmv

DL it it might play better

sol...

[vineyardblues]

BAPTIZING A DRUNK:

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk,
when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps
into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell ofalcohol,
where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus? "

The drunk replies,"No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again
for a little longer. He again pulls him out ofthe water and asks again,
"Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds
and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"


(Are ya ready for this??????????????????)


The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


[Swimmer]

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

She holds the bulb up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.

[Van]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has
just passed away. At the end of the service, the
pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find
that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more
years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of
it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband
cries out:

"Watch that wall!"

[Squibby17]

Two guys are sitting in a bar in Dublin pounding shots of whiskey. After a while they begin to talk and shoot the %$%$%$%$ like old friends.

Guy1 "I grew up just down the road in Dublin on Carnegy way"

Guy2 "oh ya did lad thats funny I grew up on that same street"

Guy1 "oh really I went to West minster class of 1943"

Guy2 "ohh wouldn't You know I went to Westminster class of 1943"

So this goes on and on and they continue to knock back the shots.
Finally the phone rings and the bar tender picks up

Bar tender: "Hello?"

Voice: "ah how ya doing patrick, anything going on down at the pub tonight?"

Bar tender "ah not too much, The Flanagan twins are in again.. there all banged up"

[Mr. Sandman]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question".

[Nebe]

..

[spinncognito]

A lawyer and a blond woman happen to be sitting next .
to each other on a long cross-country flight. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

Now this blonde happens to be highly intelligent, but she's tired and
politely declines and turns toward the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vise-versa."

Again the blonde declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the
match, so he makes another offer, "Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there would be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance fromthe earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse and pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes back down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his colleagues and friends, trying to get some help, all to no avail.

After almost two hours he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the money and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, is going nuts trying to figure it out.

Finally, he wakes the blonde again and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes back down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep

[Jimbo]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had
previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding
night, she told her new husband, "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if
you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept
telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he w as never
really sure how it was supposed to function, but he
said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything
checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get
the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew
he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able
to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic
process but wanted three years to research, implement,
and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew
how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a
product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was
talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at
it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did
was...Go d, I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm
gonna get SCREWED!

[fishaholic18]

How are a drunk guy and a bumber sticker alike?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
..
.
.
They're both hard to get off.

[Sudsrat]

Cooking Eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we
going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."


Steve

[Jimbo]

It's pretty sad when your own teenager sens you this in an email and says, "Look dad, a joke written specifically about you."

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,? "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.? If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
?
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

[fishaholic18]

How To install a wireless security system:
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big
dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to
get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the Pit bulls, they've just been wormed."

[Goose]

why did helen keller wear tight waders?
























so you can read her lips

[Goose]

A man goes to the doctor because his 'unit' is orange.

The doctor checks him out and says " Mr. Jones I can't find anything wrong with you. Your blood work looks good as does everything else.' The doctor thinks for a minute and then asks "Tell me what you do. You know, your daily routine."

Mr. Jones say's " Well I don't do much. Mainly I just sit around and watch porno while eating my Cheeto's."

[justplugit]

A good friend wil come and bail you out of jail---- a true friend will be sitting next to you sayin, "was that fun or what".

[Jimbo]

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect "loaded" Lexus - and walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leath! er upholstery, an
unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had
noticed.
There standing behind her was a salesman. with a pleasant smile he
greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though
nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say
that if you farted just touching it, you're gonna sh*t when you hear the price.

[Fishpart]

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzales said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval, with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".

[fishaholic18]

Sad, but true and pretty funny.
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 (pass along to someone you know who is)

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M..

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

14. You sing along with elevator music.

15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.