Joke for today?

[justplugit]

An elderly Italiian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of

impending death he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette

sprinkled cookies wafting up the stairs.Gathering his little remaining strenght

he lifted himself off the bed. Leaning against the wall he painfully made his

way,to the stairs and with even with greater effort he gripped the stair rail

with both hands and crawled downstairs. With labored breath he leaned against the door

against the door frame gazing into the kitchen. Where if were not for deaths agony he would

have thought himself already in heaven, for there spread out on waxed paper

on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette

sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven or was it one final act of heroic love from

his wife of 60 years seeing to it he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great last bit of strength he ended crumpled on nis knees on

the floor near the table. His parched lips parted the wonderous taste of the

cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged

and crippled hand trembled on it's way to the cookie on the edge of the table

when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife....

"don't touch
she said,
there for the
funeral".

[Swimmer]

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

She holds the bulb up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.

[Van]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has
just passed away. At the end of the service, the
pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find
that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more
years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of
it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband
cries out:

"Watch that wall!"

[Squibby17]

Two guys are sitting in a bar in Dublin pounding shots of whiskey. After a while they begin to talk and shoot the %$%$%$%$ like old friends.

Guy1 "I grew up just down the road in Dublin on Carnegy way"

Guy2 "oh ya did lad thats funny I grew up on that same street"

Guy1 "oh really I went to West minster class of 1943"

Guy2 "ohh wouldn't You know I went to Westminster class of 1943"

So this goes on and on and they continue to knock back the shots.
Finally the phone rings and the bar tender picks up

Bar tender: "Hello?"

Voice: "ah how ya doing patrick, anything going on down at the pub tonight?"

Bar tender "ah not too much, The Flanagan twins are in again.. there all banged up"

[The Dad Fisherman]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! Why are you rushing to the front?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her A$$ in it."

[fishaholic18]

[Jimbo]

>
>Seniority!!
>
>A very self-important college freshman at a recent USC football game, took
>it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it
>was impossible for the older generation to understand his own.
>
>"You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive, world," the student
>said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "We young people today grew
>up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our
>spaceships have visited Mars... We even have nuclear energy, electric and
>hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing .... and uh.."
>
>Taking advantage of a pause for breath in the student's litany, the
>"wizened" one said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have those things when we
>were young...so we invented them.. you arrogant little sh-thead!!
>Now.... what are you doing for the next generation??"
>

[sportsman]

The Boss was in a quandary.

He had to fire somebody.

He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you just jack off?" she says. "I feel like %$%$%$%$ today."

[vineyardblues]

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for
me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.


Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

[SolOmoN]

www.ritrialsclub.com/uploads/barmon.wmv

DL it it might play better

sol...