Any Monty Python Fans...

[The Dad Fisherman]

For your enjoyment

Nudge Nudge



Man:
'Evening, squire!

Squire:
(stiffly)
Good evening.

Man:
Is, uh,... Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?

Squire:
I, uh, I beg your pardon?

Man:
Your, uh, your wife, does she go, eh, does she go, eh?

Squire:
(flustered)
Well, she sometimes 'goes', yes.

Man:
Aaaaaaaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more, know whatahmean, nudge nudge?

Squire:
(confused)
I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.

Man:
Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good!
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!

Squire:
Are you, uh,... are you selling something?

Man:
SELLING! Very good, very good! Ay? Ay? Ay?
(pause)
Oooh! Ya wicked Ay! Wicked Ay! Oooh hooh! Say No MORE!

Squire:
Well, I, uh....

Man:
Is, your uh, is your wife a sport, ay?

Squire:
Um, she likes sport, yes!

Man:
I bet she does, I bet she does!

Squire:
As a matter of fact she's very fond of cricket.

Man:
'Oo isn't? Likes games, eh?
Knew she would. Likes games, eh?
She's been around a bit, been around?

Squire:
She has traveled, yes. She's from Scarsdale.

(pause)

Man:
SAY NO MORE!!
Scarsdale, saynomore, saynomore, saynomore, squire!

Squire:
I wasn't going to!

Man:
Oh! Well, never mind. Dib dib?
Is your uh, is your wife interested in... photography, ay? 'Photographs, ay', he asked him knowlingly?

Squire:
Photography?

Man:
Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more?

Squire:
Holiday snaps, eh?

Man:
They could be, they could be taken on holiday.
Candid, you know, CANDID photography?

Squire:
No, no I'm afraid we don't have a camera.

Man:
Oh.
(leeringly)
Still, mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay?

Squire:
Look... are you insinuating something?

Man:
Oh, no, no, no... yes.

Squire:
Well?

Man:
Well, you're a man of the world, squire.

Squire:
Yes...

Man:
I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh... You've 'done it'...

Squire:
What do you mean?

Man:
Well, I mean like,... you've SLEPT, with a lady...

Squire:
Yes...

Man:
What's it like?

[ThrowingTimber]

tdf. its ON!

[ThrowingTimber]

ARTHUR
Yes!

SOLDIER
You're using coconuts!

ARTHUR
...What?

SOLDIER
You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging them together.

ARTHUR (Scornfully)
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter
covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea.

SOLDIER
Where did you get the coconuts?

ARTHUR
Through ... We found them.

SOLDIER
Found them? In Mercea. The coconut's tropical!

ARTHUR
What do you mean?

SOLDIER
Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR
The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or
the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are not
strangers to our land.

SOLDIER
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR
Not at all. They could be carried.

SOLDIER
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

| ARTHUR
| Why not?
|
| SOLDIER
| I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight inches long and
| weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky to find a coconut under a pound.
|

ARTHUR
It could grip it by the husk ...

SOLDIER
It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple matter
of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not hold a a one pound
coconut.

ARTHUR
Well, it doesn't matter. Go and tell your master that Arthur
from the Court of Camelot is here.

A Slight pause. Swirling mist. Silence.

SOLDIER
Look! To maintain Velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings
four hundred and ninety three times every second. right?

ARTHUR
(irritated)
Please!

SOLDIER
Am I right?

ARTHUR
I'm not interested.

SECOND SOLDIER
(who has loomed up on the battlements)
It could be carried by an African swallow!

FIRST SOLDIER
Oh yes! An African swallow maybe ... but not a European
swallow. that's my point.

SECOND SOLDIER
Oh yes, I agree there ...

[ThrowingTimber]

Bring out your dead!

There are legs stick out of windows and doors. Two MEN are fighting in
the mud - covered from head to foot in it. Another MAN is on his hands
in knees shoveling mud into his mouth. We just catch sight of a MAN
falling into a well.

CART DRIVER
Bring out your dead!

LARGE MAN
Here's one!

CART DRIVER
Ninepence.

BODY
I'm not dead!

CART DRIVER
What?

LARGE MAN
Nothing... There's your ninepence.

BODY
I'm not dead!

CART DRIVER
'Ere. He says he's not dead.

LARGE MAN
Yes he is.

BODY
I'm not!

CART DRIVER
He isn't.

LARGE MAN
He will be soon. He's very ill.

BODY
I'm getting better!

LARGE MAN
You're not. You'll be stone dead in a few minutes.

CART DRIVER
I can't take him like this. It's against regulations.

BODY
I don't want to go on the cart.

LARGE MAN
Don't be such a baby.

CART DRIVER
I can't take him.

BODY
I feel fine.

LARGE MAN
Do me a favor.

CART DRIVER
I can't.

LARGE MAN
Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes. He won't be long.

CART DRIVER
I promised I'd be at the Robinson's. They've lost nine today.

LARGE MAN
When's your next round?

CART DRIVER
Thursday.

BODY
I think I'll go for a walk.

LARGE MAN
You're not fooling anyone you know.
(to CART DRIVER)
Isn't there anything you could do?

BODY
(singing unrecognizably)
I feel happy... I feel happy.

The CART DRIVER looks at the LARGE MAN for a moment. Then they both do
a quick furtive look up and down the street. The CART DRIVER very
swiftly brings up a club and hits the OLD MAN. (Out of shot but the
singing stops after a loud bonk noise.)

LARGE MAN
(handing over the money at last)
Thanks very much.

CART DRIVER
That's all right. See you on Thursday.

[ThrowingTimber]

ARTHUR
You have proved yourself worthy. ... Will you join me?

Silence.

| ARTHUR
| A man of your strength and skill would be the chief of all my knights ...
|
| BLACK KNIGHT
| Never.
|
ARTHUR
You make me sad. But so be it. Come Patsy.

As he moves, the BLACK KNIGHT bars the way.

BLACK KNIGHT
None shall pass.

ARTHUR
What?

BLACK KNIGHT
None shall pass.

ARTHUR
I have no quarrel with you, brave Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.

BLACK KNIGHT
Then you shall die.

ARTHUR
I command you, as King of the Britons to stand aside.

BLACK KNIGHT
I move for no man.

ARTHUR
So be it!

ARTHUR draws his sword and approaches the BLACK KNIGHT. A furious
fight now starts lasting about fifteen seconds at which point ARTHUR
delivers a mighty blow which completely severs the BLACK KNIGHT's left
arm at the shoulder. ARTHUR steps back triumphantly.

ARTHUR
Now stand aside worthy adversary.

BLACK KNIGHT
(Glancing at his shoulder)
'Tis but a scratch.

ARTHUR
A scratch? Your arm's off.

BLACK KNIGHT
No, it isn't.

ARTHUR
(Pointing to the arm on ground)
Well, what's that then?

BLACK KNIGHT
I've had worse.

ARTHUR
You're a liar.

BLACK KNIGHT
Come on you pansy!

Another ten seconds furious fighting till ARTHUR chops the BLACK
KNIGHT's other arm off, also at the shoulder. The arm plus sword, lies
on the ground.

ARTHUR
Victory is mine.
(sinking to his knees)
I thank thee O Lord that in thy ...

BLACK KNIGHT
Come on then.

ARTHUR
What?

He kicks ARTHUR hard on the side of the helmet. ARTHUR gets up still
holding his sword. The BLACK KNIGHT comes after him kicking.

ARTHUR
You are indeed brave Sir knight, but the fight is mine.

BLACK KNIGHT
Had enough?

ARTHUR
You stupid bastard. You haven't got any arms left.

BLACK KNIGHT
Course I have.

ARTHUR
Look!

BLACK KNIGHT
What! Just a flesh wound.
(kicks ARTHUR)

ARTHUR
Stop that.

BLACK KNIGHT
(kicking him)
Had enough ... ?

ARTHUR
I'll have your leg.

He is kicked.

Right!

The BLACK KNIGHT kicks him again and ARTHUR chops his leg off. The
BLACK KNIGHT keeps his balance with difficulty.

BLACK KNIGHT
I'll do you for that.

ARTHUR
You'll what ... ?

BLACK KNIGHT
Come Here.

ARTHUR
What are you going to do. bleed on me?

BLACK KNIGHT
I'm invincible!

ARTHUR
You're a loony.

BLACK KNIGHT
The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!

ARTHUR takes his last leg off. The BLACK KNIGHT's body lands upright.

BLACK KNIGHT
All right, we'll call it a draw.

ARTHUR
Come, Patsy.

ARTHUR and PATSY start to cross the bridge.

BLACK KNIGHT
Running away eh? You yellow bastard, Come back here and
take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!

[ThrowingTimber]

FIRST VILLAGER
We have found a witch. May we burn her?

ALL
A Witch! Burn her!

BEDEVERE
How do you know she is a witch?

ALL
She looks like one. Yes, she does.

BEDEVERE
Bring her forward.

They bring her forward - a beautiful YOUNG GIRL (MISS ISLINGTON)
dressed up as a witch.

WITCH
I am not a witch. I am not a witch.

BEDEVERE
But you are dressed as one.

WITCH
They dressed me up like this.

ALL
We didn't, we didn't!

WITCH
This is not my nose, It is a false one.

BEDEVERE takes her nose off.

BEDEVERE
Well?

FIRST VILLAGER
... Well, we did do the nose.

BEDEVERE
The nose?

FIRST VILLAGER
And the hat. But she is a witch.

ALL
A witch, a witch, burn her!

BEDEVERE
Did you dress her up like this?

FIRST VILLAGER
... Um ... Yes ... no ... a bit ... yes... she has got a wart.

BEDEVERE
Why do you think she is a witch?

SECOND VILLAGER
She turned me into a newt.

BEDEVERE
A newt?

SECOND VILLAGER
(After looking at himself for some time)
I got better.

ALL
Burn her anyway.

BEDEVERE
Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

ARTHUR and PATSY ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest

ALL
There are? Tell up. What are they, wise Sir Bedevere?

BEDEVERE
Tell me ... what do you do with witches?

ALL
Burn them.

BEDEVERE
And what do you burn, apart from witches?

FOURTH VILLAGER
... Wood?

BEDEVERE
So why do witches burn?

SECOND VILLAGER
(pianissimo)
... Because they're made of wood...?

BEDEVERE
Good.

PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion.

ALL
I see. Yes, of course.

BEDEVERE
So how can we tell if she is made of wood?

FIRST VILLAGER
Make a bridge out of her.

BEDEVERE
Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?

ALL
Ah. Yes, of course ... um ... err ...

BEDEVERE
Does wood sink in water?

ALL
No, no, It floats. Throw her in the pond Tie weights on her. To the pond.

BEDEVERE
Wait. Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water?

ALL
Bread? No, no, no. Apples .... gravy ... very small rocks ...

ARTHUR
A duck.

They all turn and look at ARTHUR. BEDEVERE looks up very impressed.

BEDEVERE
Exactly. So... logically ...

FIRST VILLAGER
(beginning to pick up the thread)
If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood.

BEDEVERE
And therefore?

ALL
A witch! ... A duck! A duck! Fetch a duck.

FOURTH VILLAGER
Here is a duck, Sir Bedevere.

BEDEVERE
We shall use my largest scales.

He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed, made
of wood and rope and leather. They put the GIRL in one pan and the
duck in another. Each pan is supported by a wooden stave. BEDEVERE
checks each pan then ... ARTHUR looks on with interest.

BEDEVERE
Remove the supports.

Two PEASANTS knock them away with sledge hammers. The GIRL and the
duck swing slightly but balance perfectly.

ALL
A witch! A witch!

WITCH
It's a fair cop.

All
Burn her! Burn her! Let's make her into a ladder.

The VILLAGERS drag the girl away, leaving ARTHUR and BEDEVERE
regarding each other admiringly.

BEDEVERE
Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

ARTHUR
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

[Katie]

i love it..!

"what are you gonna do? bleed on me?"

[seabass]

It was an African Swallow.

[sok]

http://bau2.uibk.ac.at/sg/python/Sounds.html

Doesn't have the dead parrot routine though.

[Van]

HOLY HANDGRENADE !!!!
How did I miss this thread. Just too busy at work !!!


That rabbits dynamite. Perhaps it will confuse it if we run away some more.

Shutup and go and change your armor !!!!


1.2.5............"3 sir".... 3....

[The Dad Fisherman]

Did anyone watch it last night??

They had some scenes from some classic stuff.

The Parrot Sketch, The Lumberjack Song, SPAM, Exploding Penguin


I guess Graham Chapman was either Clinically Genius or Clinically Insane....The Jury is still out on that one......and a raging Alcoholic as well as a Pooftah


Rule #1....NO POOFTAHS!!!

[Van]

I saw the end after the meeting.
I've been a fan forever !!!!

On comcast on-demand/free movies is "and now for something completly different" its got the twit of the year competition, old ladies gang, dead parrot, and lots more...good stuff, I don't know how they kept a straight face doing those skits...

[Slammer223]

The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back.