Things you have to believe in to be a Republican today:

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Pelosi Coronation Agenda

7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning ceremony.

7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to United Nations.

7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

7:30 till 8:00 P.M. Non religious prayer and worship – Jessie Jackson & Al Sharpton.

8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:05 P.M. Ceremonial tree hugging.

8:15- 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding – Barney Frank Presiding.

8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally – Cindy Sheehan & Susan Sarandon.

9:00 P.M. Keynote speech: the proper etiquette for surrender – French President Jacques Chirac.

9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund.

9:30 P.M. Unveiling the plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay – Sean Penn.

9:40 P.M. Why I hate the Military (Draft dodging 101), A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton.

9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

9:50 P.M. Dan Rather receives ‘Truth in Broadcasting’ award, presented by Michael Moore.

9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

10:00 P.M. How George Bush & Donald Rumsfeld destroyed World Trade Center Towers – Howard Dean.

10:30 P.M. Why NAMBLA is a great American Institution by Nancy Pelosi

11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet.

11:15 P.M. Our Troops are Stupid, Terrorizing, War Criminals – John Kerry.

11:30 P.M. Coronation of Mizz. Nancy Pelosi.

12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home (the implication is astounding).