Joke for today?

[gone fishin]

Guts vs. Balls

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

[redcrbbr]

THE HAIRCUT





A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed
haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk
to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down
the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your
purposes."

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted
$15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine
started to buzz and trim.

Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head and surveyed his
reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures
$20." "Why not?" he thought.

He paid the money, inserted his hands in the slot, and the machine
started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later He pulled his hands
out and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, Machine provides a service men
need when away from Their Wives, 50 cents.

He looked both ways, put 50 cents in the machine, unzipped his fly and
with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the
machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost
passed out.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member....which now
had a button neatly sewn on the end.

[gone fishin]

Officer, this is how the fight started...


I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.

So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the
car I hit gets out of his car. . and you know how you
just-get-sooo-stressed... and life...
sometimes life seems like... suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and

I get out of my car.

He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me
he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said, 'Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?'

. . . . and that's when the fight started...

[eastendlu]

Learn chinnese.

[SEA BASS]

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,
and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the
puzzle spread all over the table.

He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said, Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then.......




he sighed, "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."