Joke for today?

[FishermanTim]

I went to dinner last week at the house of a couple of friends who are avowed democrats. I was sitting down when a political commercial came on. Their 6 year od daughter said "when I grow up , I want to be president" so I said "what would be the first thing you'd do if you were president?". She said "I'd give all the poor homeless people homes". I told her "that's admirable, honey but you don't have to wait until you're president, you could start toward that right now" and she said "how?" I said "why don't you come over to my house, rake and bag all my leaves and I'll pay you $50.00 which you can take down to the part of town where the poor homeless people spend their time and give them the $50.00 toward purchasing their home." She replied "why don't you just have the poor homeless people come over to your house, rake the leaves and give them the $50.00 for doing the work?" I said "welcome to the republican party." Her parents haven't spoken to me since.

[Gary]

Originally Posted by FishermanTim

I went to dinner last week at the house of a couple of friends who are avowed democrats. I was sitting down when a political commercial came on. Their 6 year od daughter said "when I grow up , I want to be president" so I said "what would be the first thing you'd do if you were president?". She said "I'd give all the poor homeless people homes". I told her "that's admirable, honey but you don't have to wait until you're president, you could start toward that right now" and she said "how?" I said "why don't you come over to my house, rake and bag all my leaves and I'll pay you $50.00 which you can take down to the part of town where the poor homeless people spend their time and give them the $50.00 toward purchasing their home." She replied "why don't you just have the poor homeless people come over to your house, rake the leaves and give them the $50.00 for doing the work?" I said "welcome to the republican party." Her parents haven't spoken to me since.

That is perfect.

[Slingah]

Three guys are fishing at the Canal when an angel appears on the rocks next to them. The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, "I've suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?" The angel touches the mans back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure his eyesight. The angel tosses his glasses in the Canal. When they hit the water, the mans vision clears, and he can see everything distinctly.
The angel now turns to the third guy, who throws up his hands in fear. "Don't touch me!" he cries. "I'm on disability!"

[gone fishin]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like the #^&#^&#^&#^&ens!! I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart . Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. 10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found on aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sp erm sample for good measure.
Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. H e deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[eastendlu]

Drinking With A West Virginia Hillbilly Girl:





A Mexican, an Arab, and a West Virginia Hillbilly girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The West Virginia Hillbilly girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.




Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In West Virginia we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

'God Bless Amercia!

[fishbones]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened.The fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'


'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch. You can spend it all or spend some and keep the rest.'

It's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before,and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting granite countertops.'

[Van]

After living in the country all his life, an old redneck decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring
back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with!"

[PRBuzz]

#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you
become famous.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"



(sorry if already posted, but some of us do need help with our short term memory)

[fishsmith]

funny funny funny

[eastendlu]

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London
> One took a
> window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle
> seat. Just before takeoff,
> a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff,
> the Marine kicked
> his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when
> the Arab in the
> window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a
> Coke.'
> 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm
> in the aisle seat, I'll get it for
> you.'
>
> As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the
> Marine's shoe and spat in
> it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab
> said, 'That
> looks good, I'd really like one, too.'
>
> Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he
> was gone, the other
> Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe a nd spat in
> it. When the Marine
> returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight..
>
> As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into
> his shoes and
> knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and
> asked his Arab
> neighbors...
>
>
>
>
> 'Why does it have to be this way? How long must this
> go on? This fighting
> between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
> spitting in shoes and
> pissing in Cokes?'
>
> THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES

[nightfighter]

Redneck word of the day: "OBAMA"

I BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND DRANK IT OBAMA SELF!