Relationship Strain/Failure

[Grampa Greg]

In recently getting my sorry ass dumped I felt compelled to create a post on relationships and fishing. Considering the amount of time, energy, danger and lack of sleep that is inherent with what we do........


1. How do you guys successfully or unsuccessfully manage having a wife, wife and kids or a girlfriend while still being an active fisherman?

2. Have you had many failed relationships until you found the one that can put up with you and your obsession? What was the difference, You changing for her OR was she just that understanding....?

3. What are the frequent complaints you get/got from your significant other?

4. Why are we so willing to push the envelope to the point of strain or failure with our relationships? It's just a stupid fish right?


For me and my recent situation, my ex felt that she was putting so much more effort into the relationship than I was. She was right. She was, granted I was very clear about how much I love fishing in the Spring and Fall....When I reminded her of that condition she told me I fished all summer long with no break between Spring and Fall. "We had a late run this Spring" was my only reply. I tried to explain to her that I do care about her and that it will get better as I became a smarter fisherman and when that occurs I would not have to put as much time in. She wasn't willing to wait the unknown amount of time.

I would hear things like "Can we take a real vacation for once. Can you just give up one weekend for us? God I hope you get your 50 soon so we can spend some time together. You always put fishing before me"...and the list goes on and on.

I'm not sure what my drive is. I know I have goals and I know I have to put time in to attain them. Why I have ruined relationships is not only because of fishing but it plays a part in a quite a few. I am interested in hearing your stories and explanations.

GG

[Raider Ronnie]

1. How do you guys successfully or unsuccessfully manage having a wife, wife and kids or a girlfriend while still being an active fisherman?





$$$

[onecastmike2003]

Call her and tell her you love her and if that dosent work beg.
I'm sorry man.
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[Chunkah]

If you find the right person there shouldn't be much of an issue. Been married for almost 11 years, have 3 kids, and am the sole breadwinner of the house and not ONCE has my wife asked me to slow down my fishing. If anything she is a proponent of me doing things in my free time that make me happy. She knows that most of the early season is spent on the water, at least the mornings, and the fall always runs long, well into November. But she sees I'm happy doing it and she is happy for me. I still manage to make a living for us, and have missed some epic days due to my own commitment to going to work, so there certainly has to be a balance.
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[Ian]

I don't fish NEARLY as much as you do :-D

And she works every third weekend
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[nightfighter]

When you find a good woman, that will put up with our chit, and you share an absolute TRUST with, you have a keeper and you would have to be an absolute dope to not recognize when you need to choose NOT to go fishing, or whatever.... That's not to say that you need to have a high maintenance model mind you. Just be able appreciate what the other half brings to the table. And know what it takes to nurture that. Anyone who has been to our home knows how spoiled I am.... I would have to be an idiot to screw this thing up.

[Nebe]

Fishing cost me my relationship with my sons mom. It took getting to boot to realize I gave her the impression I cared more about a stupid fish than her. It seriously put the flame out for surf casting for me and I just kayak fish now. I guess I am a recovering bass a holic.
If you want her back you have to realize that fishing 24-7 is a selfish self centered activity and you need to have a balance between fishing and the person you are in a relationship with. People in relationships do things together.
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[Raider Ronnie]

Niko has got the best signature on this site.



"my 1st wife didn't like me fishing so much "

[BigFish]

Guess I am the luckiest man on the planet! My wife not only lets me fish when ever I want....she likes to fish with me and the best part is.....she is good at it!!!

[niko]

that bitch had to go

[Raider Ronnie]

Originally Posted by BigFish

Guess I am the luckiest man on the planet! My wife not only lets me fish when ever I want....she likes to fish with me and the best part is.....she is good at it!!!

Some might suggest shes better !

[Jackbass]

You know when I had a kid i promised my wife my fishing would not interfere with family time. The hours in between are mine to do with as I please. They go to sleep I go fishing. They wake up I come home. There are special occasions where I get to fish when ever and how ever I want. But I drag ass through te days and try to not let exhaustion get the better of me.
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[nightfighter]

Originally Posted by niko

that bitch had to go

LMFAO! Love it. I can hear your voice saying it too....

disclaimer; I am a divorce survivor as well, but fishing was not part of the equation....

[ivanputski]

Greg, its not just you and your fishing, although that is half of the equation.

the other half can be attributed to a woman's jealousy that comes from the lack of understanding of your passion, and the threat that passion brings. Your relentless drive and passion towards fishing is the achilles heel of a woman's self esteem and self-worth. How many times have you given up a prime-condition night of fishing just to sit on the couch and watch complete crap on TV? Certainly doesnt seem like the "quality" time the girl was asking for, so how the hell does she seem so content right now? Because it doesnt matter what you guys are doing together as long as you picked her over the hobby that threaten"s her self esteem.

Every woman needs to be made felt a priority, and it shouldnt be a chore if we truly care for them... But the often unrealistic lack of understanding of our love for fishing is a threat to them. Many women simply do not have hobbies or activities that they cant wait to do... they get into a relationship and their significant other is their only hobby. They want to know when you'll be done fishing and back by their side before you even leave.

I can go on and on....

This is not a simple answer, and is different and ever-changing for each individual. I am married, have 2 young kids, and fish a lot. I am very rarely asked point blank not to fish, but i can pick up on subtle (or not so subtle) clues as to when to take a break. I will catch up to you on the phone...

But for now, its almost september, you are single, so double down on the red bull and fish guilt free!



***Edit: I should mention that most of my above thoughts apply to the dating/girlfriend stage, since that is where you are coming from... once you are married with kids, you fish when you can but you gotta man up and put family first... I have cancelled or been really late to meet friends quite often. I fish alone a lot because i basically get out when I can get out.

[N.ShoreFisher]

I'm writing this after planning to go out all day at work, then getting home and the wife in not so many words saying no. But, I understand it burns through gas money and money when I need new gear, am replacing lost or broken stuff. And it helps that I wait till everyone is in bed to fish. That way, no one cares.

Originally Posted by nightfighter

Anyone who has been to our home knows how spoiled I am.... I would have to be an idiot to screw this thing up.

And yes, I can vouch for Ross.....he's freakin spoiled! lol

[ivanputski]

Jackbass: i agree 100%

They go to sleep, I go fishing... and I am always home before they wake up and do what I need to do no matter how tired I am... My topwater lures get NO play, because when they are awake, i am with my wife and kids.

[Swimmer]

Years ago I golfed a minimum of three days a week and fished here and there. I wasn' t being true to myself, and my wife hated me doing both, plus working a couple of double shifts a week put an extraordinary strain on our marriage. My wife worked nights and some weekends in a hospital. So we had more and more talks about it, and one of the few times I actually understood what she meant and wanted without spelling it out in black and white I made the decision to pursue fishing, (because I was being pretty selfish), and I have built on that ever since.
Bev is pretty tough to deal with sometimes(very strong sure person), but she makes all the meals, and within reason I get to pursue my passion twelve months a year. I am a cerftified, bonified, recreational saltwalter fisherman with everything that entails.

I am sorry your relationship collapsed. My brother says that coming home to an empty house sucks. I rather fish less and come home to my girl rather than face that empty house. Peace.
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That being said, if the bass are hitting I can go as much as my body can handle.

Plus I fish the Vineyard every year for two weeks, plus I have been married thirty-seven years.

[WESTPORTMAFIA]

Originally Posted by niko

that bitch had to go

Lmfao!
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[piemma]

Originally Posted by Jackbass

You know when I had a kid i promised my wife my fishing would not interfere with family time. The hours in between are mine to do with as I please. They go to sleep I go fishing. They wake up I come home. There are special occasions where I get to fish when ever and how ever I want. But I drag ass through te days and try to not let exhaustion get the better of me.
Posted from my iPhone/Mobile device

That's the answer. I've been married going on 46 years and, as you guys know, I fish as much as anyone here. The secret is you fish while they sleep. Sleep is over rated anyway.

I have never, with a few notable exceptions, let fishing interfere with my home life.
I am writing this at 2:15 AM. Jeanne is sleeping. Time for me to go to the boat and fish.

[Raven]

males and females perceive time differently..... (easily proven as you wait for her to be ready

it's important to "know" how the other half is feeling and not just guess about it

absenteeism will not be tolerated indefinitely.... sometimes a SURPRISE is welcomed

and sometimes you have to set more realistic time usage for you to do "something"
together that you both enjoy..... to create time stamps ....memories that you can return to

[buckman]

I got divorced, moved to Brant Rock, bought a bigger boat and am enjoying the single life. It's nice to make your own decisions for a change. If a woman doesn't umdersand your passion then they really don't care about your happiness . I thought I had a good balance but sometimes there are other issues involved. It might seem bad now but it gets better.
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[BigFish]

The reality is......we are only here for a short time and you get one swing at life! To not do and enjoy the things that you love well then I think you are cheating yourself! Certainly in life and relationships one has duty to family and responsibilities to tend to.....and outside of those obligations being met its time to enjoy ones life to the fullest and that goes for both men and women! Its give and take and when a relationship gets to be all give on one side and all take on the other......its time to drop the curtain on that show and move along! I am divorced once and that had nothing to do with fishing and everything to do with her being a douche'! When I met Angie I told her in no uncertain terms...."I fish......thats what I enjoy doing and if she got in the way of what I enjoy doing something would end and it won't be my fishing"! I had slogged through the #^&#^&#^&#^& in my previous relationship and was not going to slog through another....I would have been fine being alone (I already had my 2 sons) and doing exactly what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it but I met Angie and she understood and had been divorced herself so she understood what I was saying! Fortunately for me we have a great relationship, she loves fishing as well and never fished before she met me....she has her own gear and kayak and sometimes she goes with me and sometimes not! If you can find someone who understands these things I have said you will be better off....and more better off if they can share your passion and be supportive of your interests and you can be supportive of hers!

[Rockfish9]

Originally Posted by nightfighter

When you find a good woman, that will put up with our chit, and you share an absolute TRUST with, you have a keeper and you would have to be an absolute dope to not recognize when you need to choose NOT to go fishing, or whatever.... That's not to say that you need to have a high maintenance model mind you. Just be able appreciate what the other half brings to the table. And know what it takes to nurture that. Anyone who has been to our home knows how spoiled I am.... I would have to be an idiot to screw this thing up.

What Ross said...
It took me 3 tries.. 2 marriges and a failed teen age romance.,..first one( marriage) was not all my fault.. I should have listened to my mother.. after 12 years she left me with 4 kids.. one of them 2 years old with chicken pox... 2 of them from her previous marriage... on that same line, I had an adorable girl in High school and a year beyond.. I did what I wanted and she complained.. to my mother and her father... both had a "talk "with me and in the end we both moved on...she came to my Mothers funeral 15 years ago..my mother was a seamstress and made every piece of clothing the woman owned ( she was extremly patite and small..)... she was still adorable. she married a plumber who treats her like the princess she is.... this brings me to the present... I am a lucky man...there is alot of give and take.. but as both of us are older and found each other later in life... we both realize there is no changing the other... our relationship unlike the early years is built on trust..insted of being driven by hormones and selfish wants.. comanionship and an understanding that one is not going to change the other....... we both makes sacrafices... we never argue..we always come to a comprmise we are both happy with.. she helps prep my boat every year and put it away in the fall... she almost never sets foot in it.. except to maybe put another coat of non skid on the deck.. she asks me after evry trip "how'd ya do?".. she really does care... the least I can do is grant her very few wishes...as Ross put it...I'd be an idiot to screw it up.

[Typhoon]

Tuna got a few of my "uncles" marriages.

Leave in June, come back in november. Wife bangs the mailman.

[spinncognito]

It really is about finding that truly understanding woman. My first wife simply did not understand my obsession. Even when I fished while her and the kid slept, she would be looking for for signs of wariness in me all day after. She had no obsession of her own and I was not giving up mine so it ended, thankfully because she was a lazy pychopath anyway....

On my very first date with my current and final wife we saw the movie Fever Pitch. If you remember it was all about the guys obsession with baseball and how it screwed up all of his previous relationships. My date could not understand why I was laughing hysterically through the whole movie but it set the foundation for honesty and respect of our individualism that has only grown stronger in the 8+ years siince. (married two)Now it does not matter if we are in the middle of a family BBQ, out of town shopping or if it is 2AM, if I get a call about a blitz she throws me the keys and says hurry up, go get em! She is awesome and because ofthat I actually fish less and want to be with her more (as long as the blitz is not 40-pounders).

Good luck finding that woman and do not start looking until mid-November!

[The Dad Fisherman]

Originally Posted by Grampa Greg

1. How do you guys successfully or unsuccessfully manage having a wife, wife and kids while still being an active fisherman?

Wife and kids are ALWAYS your 1st obsession/priority......if they aren't then you're the one with the problem....sorry, tough love

I also don't think I've ever met a guy that wasn't a bit of a dumb A-hole......and they put up with it quite a bit.....so if they are dropping hints like Why don't we take a normal vacation.....for gods sakes, leave the friggin rod home and take her to Jamaica and make her happy.

I guarantee you'll get more bitch-free fishing time if you make your wife happy and show up for ALL your kids soccer games.....

Don't know about girlfriends.....they are just crazy.....once you find one that makes a good wife....see above.
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[The Iceman 6]

Originally Posted by niko

that bitch had to go

Spoken like a Gentlemen and Scholar.

[wdmso]

My wife has accepted that I am an absent husband from June thru Oct

when see gets grumpy about it

All I say is I could be Going to the Bar !

and that seems to put things back into perspective

And fish while they sleep is huge

[Slipknot]

You have to find the right woman
It helps greatly if her friends have stupid sad sacks of an excuse for partners/husbands and dysfunctional relationships which can make you look good and be forgiven for your absences. Get them to tell you how wonderful you are. And always be honest. Fish at night while they sleep, worked for me. And if you have kids, you be the one to handle the early AM feeding and soon you'll be taking the little one with you trout fishing or whatever.
good luck

[DZ]

I never like to read threads on this topic because it saddens me. Many, many, of my fishermen friends have broken marriages/relationships. Some of them wish they had changed their ways and saved their marriage. They are lonely. I feel so fortunate be happily married for 31 years. When my wife and I first talked about marriage I was chasing striped bass 6 nights a week. I told her I’d love to get married but I didn’t want to give up fishing because striped bass controlled my life. Even at that young age I’d seen what this addictive compulsion could do to relationships. Until we had children I continued my addiction to fish but as I grew older with a young family I began to put things in perspective and prioritize my life. On one particularly good night I was into a very good bite including my first over 50 – I left that bite to take my son to soccer practice. Some guys I’ve known would have blown off the kids practice and kept fishing. I still fished but dropped down to 3-4 nights a week. Currently I’m very content with fishing maybe one or two nights a week. The most important perspective in my life is when I realized that my family is THE MOST IMPORTANT part of life. Fish are fish and I still love chasing them but not at the expense of true family happiness. I sincerely wish you all the very best in finding a relationship that prospers and lasts forever.