Joke for today?

[eastendlu]

Drinking With A West Virginia Hillbilly Girl:





A Mexican, an Arab, and a West Virginia Hillbilly girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The West Virginia Hillbilly girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.




Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In West Virginia we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

'God Bless Amercia!

[fishbones]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened.The fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'


'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch. You can spend it all or spend some and keep the rest.'

It's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before,and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting granite countertops.'

[Van]

After living in the country all his life, an old redneck decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring
back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with!"

[gone fishin]

DONT FORGET ABOUT NEXT SATURDAY!

Don't forget to mark your calenders .

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America !

[gone fishin]

A man walks into a bar,
He sits down and places the bag on the counter..
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag..

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9" high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano stool,
Which he places in front of the piano

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful
Piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says:

"Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one Wish... Just one wish.... each person is only
allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want A million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.

It is soon followed By another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks."

"No sh*t!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9-inch
"Pianist" ??????