Similarly, try this one out and read the error message closely.
The good folks at Google are being funny...try this soon.

> 1) Go to Google.com
>
> 2) Type in (but don't hit return): "weapons of mass destruction"
>
> 3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, instead of the normal "Google search" button
>
> 4) READ what appears to be a normal error message carefully

Mind over Matter = I don't have a mind, so it doesn't matter

A fisherman walks into the Squire in Chatham, pulls up a stool, and sets a leather case about a foot square on the bar. He opens the case and out jumps a tiny man in a tuxedo, less than a foot tall. The fisherman reaches into the case and pulls out a perfect grand piano, just the right size for the little guy in the tux.

The fisherman orders a drink for himself and asks for a short one for his tiny friend. As the barkeep fixes the drinks, the little guy in the tux sits down and starts playing. Pretty soon, everyone in the place in listening. The little guy is whipping through all the classics—Cole Porter, Gershwin, Sinatra’s standards, early Beatles. Everyone is enthralled. People start buying the fisherman and his little friends drinks and the cheery music continues into the night.

Finally the bartender musters the courage to ask the question on everyone’s mind. He leans over and asks the guy how he came to have this amazing little friend.

The fisherman says, “It’s the same old story. I was a GI in Desert Storm. As my unit was making its way out of Kuwait, I came across a brass lamp in the sand. I gave it the obligatory rub, and sure enough, a genie appeared in a cloud of smoke. He thanked me for freeing him from a thousand years of captivity and offered to grant me the usual one wish. And what he thought I said I wanted was a ten-inch pianist.”

You don't know Jack Schitt (http://e7.pl/~casha/swf/jackschitt.swf) :D :D :D

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates
and are comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman: "I froze to death."

2nd woman: "How horrible!"

1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking
from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and
finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came
home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching TV."

1st woman: "So what happened?"

2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running all over the
house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,
and down into the basement. Then I went through
everycloset and checked under all the beds. I kept
this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with
a heart attack and died!"

1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the
freezer. We'd both still be alive."

Every Saturday morning John goes fishing. He gets up early and eager,makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes...all day long. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to
the truck and down the driveway he goes.
Coming out of his garage he sees the rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers,

"The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily
replies.................

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that #^&#^&#^&#^&?"

A man was in his front yard mowing grass
when his attractive blond female
neighbor came out of the house and went
straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut
stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house
again went to the mail box and again
opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the
lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and
then slammed it closed harder than
ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her,
"Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly
is!"................. "mailbox are empty and"........

My stupid computer keeps saying', "YOU'VE
GOT MAIL..."

:smash: :smash: :confused: :rolleyes: :eek:

:D :D :D :D ;) ;) ;) :p :p :p

Did you know that you can re-arrange the letters of the word MOTHER INLAW to read: WOMAN HITLER ?
:cool:

A blonde driving on a country road noticed another blonde attempting to row a boat in the middle of a hay field. She pulled her car over , jumped out and started screaming at the woman trying to row "It's stupid blondes like you that give us a bad name, and if I could swim I'd go out right now and kick your A$$.

Another Blonde Joke.

A blonde comes to the edge of a river. On the other side of the river is another blonde who yells to her " How do I get to the other side?"

To which the first blonde answers "You dumb blonde, you are on the other side !"

Bounce -- Who knew? And all this time I've just been putting Bounce in the dryer. Don't know if a word of it's true.
1. It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them.
2. It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often.
3. Repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.
4. Eliminates static electricity from your television screen. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
5. Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.
6. Freshen the air in your home. Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.
7. Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.
8. Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
9. Freshen the air in your car. Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
10. Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The antistatic agent apparently weakens the bond between the food.
11. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
12. Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
13. Eliminate static electricity from venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
14. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
15. Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
16. Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight.

17. Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.

A group of blondes comes into a bar to celebrate and the entire group is high fiving and cheering. They order champagne and the bartender asks what they are celebrating and the leader says we finished a puzzle that said 2-4 years, and we did it in two days!

If only !!!!!

#2

A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do.
The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."

This woman walks into a Wal-Mart and tells the clerk that she wants a refund for the toaster that she bought because it doesn’t work. The clerk tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought in on special.
All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, “GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!”

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.

The manager comes up to the woman and asks, “What’s wrong?” She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can’t refund her money because, like the clerk had told her, she had bought on special.

Once again, she throws her hands in the air and begins yelling, “GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!”

In shock, the store manager pleads, “Ma’am, why are you saying that?”

In a huff, the woman says, “BECAUSE I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I’M GETTING SCREWED!”

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:



:) means a smile and



:( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by



:-) and



:-( respectively.



Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:



(_!_) a regular ass



(__!__) a fat ass



(!) a tight ass



(_*_) a sore ass



{_!_} a swishy ass



(_o_) an ass that's been around



(_x_) kiss my ass



(_X_) leave my ass alone



(_zzz_) a tired ass



(_E=mc2_) a smart ass



(_$_) Money coming out of his ass



(_?_) Dumb Ass



..oo*"""**oo.oo*""*oo..
oo*" "*o.o*" "*o.
o o *o
..o o 'o
o o o.
o o o
o \o/ o
o --0-- o
o. /o\ o
o o o
o o o
o o oo
oo o oo
oo. oo oo
'ooo. .oo. ooo
o ""oo,, ,,oO-'Oo, ,,,,,oo"o
o. """""" oo """"" o
'o oo o'
o oo o
'o o o*
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o

you have just been mooned

:laugha:

The Brothel
Two old men decide they are close to their last days on earth and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
These two are so old and drunk; I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference." Her manager does as he is told and the two old men go up stairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first one says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!" "Dead?" says his friend, "why would you think that?" "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her." His friend says, "I think mine was a witch"
"A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say that?" "Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave it a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window!!"

???????????????

To be the beer can?

Where you been fishing??

I know there was a use for that billybud lure I got!

Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)
Print it out and hang it over your work station...I dare ya!

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job,"

The person behind the counter replied,
"Your timing is amazing.
We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided.
Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips.
The salary package is $200,000 a year!"

The man said, "You're b-s-ing me man!"

The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it

NO Nursing Home for me!
With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have ascertained that I can get a nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65.00...that leaves $123.00 a day for beer, food (room service), laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. They have a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. Super 8 is somewhat more economical and they have a free breakfast, though you usually have to walk next door for lunch and dinner. There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that's OK, it takes months to get into decent nursing homes. There is the Senior Bus, the Handicap bus (if you fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van, cabs, and even a regular bus. For a change of lunch take the Airport Bus and eat at one of the fast food cafe's there.
The Inn has security, and if someone sees you drop over, they will call an ambulance. And should you break a hip, the American Way is to Sue. What more can you ask for?
As a bonus, they all have AARP and other Senior discounts.
So: When I reach the Golden age help me keep my grin
Just check my old rickety ass into the nearest Holiday Inn!

Guy is riding in the back of a cab, he asks the cabbie 'you got room for three six packs and a pizza up front ?' Cabbie answers 'sure'. So the guy leans forward and :yak: all over the front seat :)

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the
husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks
away.


The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh,"
replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw,"
says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"


"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the
garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."


Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on
his arm.


"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.


"That's his mistress," says her husband.


"Ours is prettier," she replies.

The Loving Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function
(i.e., speaker phone) and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room
stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the New 2003
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him
in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
> > truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
> > >
> > >
> > >The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
> > Americans.
> > >The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
> > Americans.
> > >The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
> than
> > Americans.
> > >The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
> > attacks than Americans.
> > >The Germans drink a lot of beer, eat lots of sausage and fat and suffer
> > fewer heart attacks than Americans.
> > >
> > >CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
> > what kills you.

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did
you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I
bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did
you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought
it with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari.
"Where did you get that car?" her husband asks.
Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the
winnings.
That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets
undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely
enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end. "What's this?"
she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we???"

Red, the cow joke is precious !

Thank you ! :laughs:

My neighbor is looking for a good home for their dog because his wife said the dog makes her nervous when it stares at her WHEN SHE IS NAKED.

She wants it out of the house. If you or anyone you know might be in the market, let me know.

It's seriously an AWESOME dog... a lab mix..check out the photo

Now how in the Hell did you do that ? ! :laughs: :laughs: :laughs:

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

Not sure if you guys have heard this one but here it goes.....

There's this European girl who's hard on her luck here in New england and is at the bar thinking of how she's going to get back to the motherland. A man buys her a drink and askes her why she is so sad. She says to him.."I'm broke and cant get home to europe". The guy says "I tell you what, I work on a cruise ship. I can sneak you on board and hide you in a life boat. All I ask in return is a little sex every day and just make sure you never leave the life boat. We're leaving tomorrow morning"
She says "Great I'll meet you there!"
Well, she meets him at the boat and they set sail. Every day he sneaks under the life boat's cover, has sex with her and leaves her some food.
After about 2 weeks, the captian catches the guy leaving the life boat and peeks inside to see this girl laying there under a blanket.
He says "what are you doing here?!" The lady says Oh, your first mate told me That this ship is sailing for europe and If I f*ucked him every day he'd keep me hidden..

The captian starts laughing his A*ss off and says "Lady, you sure are f*ucked, this is the Block Island Ferry!!!!!".

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !!

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.

After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license..

"Well, son", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes Sir", replied the young feller," But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a big snow storm._ The night passed slowly and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could see hardly a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Reflexively, the guy gets into the car and closes the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car slowly starts moving again. The guy is terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy sees that the car is slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy starts to pray, begging for his life, sure the ghost car will go off the road and he will plunge to his death when, just before the curve, a hand appears thru the window and turns the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with terror, the guy watches the hand reappear every time they reach a curve. Finally, the guy gathers his wits and leaps from the car and runs to the nearby town of Gate City, VA._ Wet and in shock, he goes to a bar and, voice quavering, orders two shots of corn whiskey and tells everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience. A silence envelopes everybody when they realize the guy is apparently sane and not drunk.

About half an hour later, two country boys in checkered flannel shirts walked in the same bar._ One says to the other, "Look Bubba, that's the idiot that rode in our car when we were pushing it."

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch."

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops' dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish".

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said, "You fu<#ers are my kind of people."

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman to his left says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.":D

Coworkers Sven and Kurt are both laid off from their jobs at the factory and visit the unemployment office. Kurt is the first in line to meet with the clerk.

"Tell me your occupation, please," the clerk asks.

"Panty stitcher," says Kurt. "I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

Panty stitcher is listed under unskilled labor. The clerk gives Kurt $300 a week in unemployment.

Sven sits down with the same clerk and says he works as a diesel fitter.
Since diesel fitter is a skilled labor, Sven gets a weekly
check for $600.

When Kurt finds out Sven is getting double the amount of money that he is, he returns to the unemployment office and demands to know why he is getting less money for a similar job.

"It's not the same," the clerk says. "Diesel fitters are skilled
laborers and panty stitchers are not."

"What do you mean, skilled labor!" Kurt yells. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven then pulls them over his head and says, 'Ya, diesel fitter.'"

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman

Two French men and one French woman

Two German men and one German woman

Two Greek men and one Greek woman

Two English men and one English woman

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman

Two Irish men and one Irish woman

Two American men and one American woman


One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in minage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a goddamn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this god-forsaken deserted island in the middle of f--king nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping!!!

We all know that it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other
than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So, this Saturday at 4:00 PM Eastern time all American women are asked to
walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any
neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended
for this antiterrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house
to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's
okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all
American women.

And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack
at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists
and applauds your participation in this antiterrorist activity.

God bless America!

Very funny Fishpart.

Four wealth brothers are discussing what they got their old loving mother for X-mas. The first says....I got a great big house, the second says...I got her a Caddilac 7000ZX, the third brother got a 150,000 home theater and the fourth brother got her this very talented parrot, he paid 12 preists, $150,000 each to teach the parrot to resite the bible, it took 12 years but this parrot could resite any verse.

The old lady loved all her gifts and sent thank you notes to all her sons. The first said...."thank you for the house but I'm old and can't get around I only use one room." The second said "Thank you for the car but no longer drive I don't leave the house." The third said...."Thanks you for the theather but I can't hardly see or hear well anymore its very difficult for me." And the last said....." Thank you dearest son, I never eaten a chicken that taste as good as the one you sent!

two fish swim into a concrete wall, the first fish turns to the second fish and says "dam"

A Missionary realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike."

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look in the mirror, look at your wiener and scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.

>A construction boss in Boston was interviewing men
>when along came a guy named Vinny from Brooklyn.
>
>"I'm not going to hire any wise-ass New Yorker", the
>foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that
>Vinny wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and
>he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting
>into a dispute. "Here's your first question," the
>foreman said, "Without using numbers, represent the
>number 9."
>
>"Widout numbiz?" Vinny says, "Dat's easy," and he
>proceeds to draw 3 trees.
>
>"What's this?" the boss asks.
>
>The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you got no brains?
>Tree
>'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine. Faghedaboutit......"
>
>"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second
>question. Use the same rules, but this time use the
>number 99."
>
>Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up
>the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each
>tree, "Dare ya go, Buddy."
>
>The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth
>do
>you get that to represent 99?"
>
>Vinny says "Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's
>dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree, dat's 99".
>
>The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to
>hire
>the New Yorker, so he says, "All right, last
>question.
>Same rules but this time use 100."
>
>Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the
>picture once again, makes a little mark at the base
>of
>each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, a hunnert."
>
>The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says,
>"You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!"
>
>New York Vinny leans forward and points to the marks
>at the base of the trees. "A little doggie comes
>along
>and takes a #^&#^&#^&#^& on each a dem trees, so now ya got
>dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty
>tree an' a turd which makes one hundred. .......
>Bada
>boom, bada bing. . When do I freakin' start?"
>

> > "Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate
> >my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
> >On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the
> >truth was just too darned humiliating.
> >I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I
would
> >feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up
a
> >doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
> > The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes
to
> >adopt a cute little kitty.
> >Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was
> >taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to
me
> >from the kitchen.
> >"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
> >"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
> >pitter-patter and steam.
> >"Reset it yourself!"
> >"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me
> >in?"
> > There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
> >second."
> >So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent
outraged
> >nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as
> >extremely cowardly.
> >Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find
> >the button.
> >It is the last action I remember performing...
> >It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
> >No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal
teeth.
> >It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she
> >spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and
> >stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I
> >was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and
snagged
> >them with her needle-like claws.
> >I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly
> >rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten
hanging
> >from my masculine region.
> >Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men,
> >in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from
> >experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and
cabinet
> >bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
> >The impact knocked me out cold.
> >When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not
> >many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen
> >floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that"
paramedics.
> >Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all
> >snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying
to
> >suppress their hysterical laughter.... .and not succeeding.
> >Somehow I lived through it all.
> >A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where
colleagues
> >tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept
silent,
> >claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was.
> >"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
> >If they only knew!
> > >

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast

enlargements. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower,

rub the top of your nipples and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want

bigger boobies."



She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked!

She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she

murmured, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."



A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"



"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"



He responded, "Hickory #^&#^&#^&#^&ory dock . .

Two cows in England are talking
The first cow says "THis mad cow disease is pretty scare huh?
Cow 2 "Not for me"
Cow 1 "Why not"
Cow 2: cause I'm not a cow stupid, I'm a helocopter....
'hound

The Southern preacher rose with an angry red
face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. "This is
a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this".
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Whats a 747 and a bleached blonde have in common !

They both have black boxes!!

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN:

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students ... here is something to contemplate.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wishing He’d stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.


BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THIS STORY:

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?


THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We child proofed our home, but they are still getting in.


ADVICE FOR PARENTS:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.


AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

:D

Things to do at Wal-Mart


15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your significant other is taking their
sweet time:


Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when They
aren't looking.


Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.


Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.


Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code
3' in housewares,...and see what happens.


Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

Go into the gun department and ask to look at a rifle and then ask the clerk where the anti-depressents are.


Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.


When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you
people just leave me alone?


Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick Your nose.



Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme From
'Mission Impossible'.


In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using Different size
funnels.


Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK
ME!"


When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the position and
scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"


And last but not least: Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a
while and then Yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here."


:happy: Something my husband would do :happy:

ive done a couple of them . like putting things in others carriages ( not condoms ) . moving other people carriages to other aisles when they are not paying attention . settin alrm clocks to off at the same time a few minutes after Ive left . I used to put things in my jacket when I know Im being watched then discard it when security isnt looking . then when I leave and the store detective comes up and wants to see me back in the store I have no merchandise on me . I have even had to show them where I stashed it to prove I didnt leave the store with anything . they dont think thats funny at all . "I should arrest you" . "why I didnt remove anything from the store" !
next time Im allowed to go to a store Ill have to try that .
I really like the last one " theres no toilet paper in here" .

What did the lady on the beach say to Michael Jack-sin?
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get outa my sun:D

lol Goose !

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his butt off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says......

"Make 'em all ugly again".
:D

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the Yukon wilderness, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month; otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.... Having a New Years Party Friday night..... Thought you might like to come by. About 5:00....."

"Great," says Sam, "after 6 months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinking."

"Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em." Again as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."

Sam says, "Well I get along pretty good with most people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars turns back from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, warming to this party idea even more. "I've been all alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says,
"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us."

:laughs: Thats a good one.... reminds me of the night I met fishweewee:D

Think about this:

A. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
B. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is = 120,000.
C. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
(US Dept. of Health &Human Services)

Then think about this:

A. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
B. The number of accidental gun deaths per year is 1,500.
C. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner 0.0000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than
gun owners.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE
DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.

As a public health measure, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.

God's Country

John Madden was in Denver to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special phone near the Bronco's bench. He asked Coach Shanahan what it was for and was told it was a hot line to GOD.

John asked the coach if he could use it and the coach said: "Sure,
but it will cost you $100."
Madden scratched his head and then said: "What the heck, I need somehelp picking the games." He pulled out his wallet and paid the $100.

Madden was perfect that week.

The next weekend Madden was in Minnesota when henoticed the same kind of phone near the Viking bench. He asked Coach Tice, what the phone was for and Tice said: "It's a hot line to GOD and if you want to use it, it will cost you $100."

Recalling the previous week, Madden pulled out his wallet and paid the $100. Once again Madden was perfect.

The next weekend Madden was in Foxboro at Gillette Stadium when he noticed the same phone near the Patriot's bench. He asked Coach Belichek if it was a hot line to GOD. Bill said, "Yes it is; do you want to use it? It will cost you 35 cents."

Madden looked at Coach Belichek and said, "Wait a minute! I just paid $100 in Denver and $100 in Minnesota to use the same phone! Why in Foxboro do they only charge 35 cents?"

Belichek looked at Madden and replied very matter-of-factly, "In Foxboro, it's a local call."

*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING* [Guys take note.]
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long
as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or
hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please
don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete
idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose
this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your
pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that
your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my
daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
"Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to
sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not
do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you
expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need
from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no
one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make
you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more
than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for
the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a
process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of
just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in
my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with
a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features
chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,
merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom,
you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth. I have a shotgun. a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not
trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound
of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near
Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently
tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as
you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain
sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have
brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is
no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Redcrbbr, this is great. My 14 year old informed me recently that her friend set her up on a blind date with a 17 year old kid. I said, you will never go on a date unless I meet the kid first, besides the fact that you're too young to go on a date with an older kid right now unless it's in my livingroom watching Bambi on DVD. This joke should hit home!

That absolutely Rocked......My Daughters only 7 but I can't wait to make my her dates Wet Their Pants!!:af: :af:

:laughs:

1

2)

Thought some of you might appreciate this one:

Worlds biggest woman..

What would it cost to support this gal??

That just looks like a WHOLE lot of fun there.



Jump Free Willy , Jump as High as you can :D

some real strong heels ! and a milking machine .

Girl meets Chris L

NOW CHRIS,,, I WARNED YOU ONCE LITTLE MAN !!!!!!!!
BEHAVE OR ELSE !!!!!!!!!!!

And what exactly is he looking at ?????

A Mexican drinks his Tequila and suddenly throws his
glass in the air, pulls out a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink
from the same one twice.
An Iraqi obviously impressed by this, drinks his
camel beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots
the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make the
glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either!

A US Marine, cool as a cucumber, picks up his Miller
Lite and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his M-9
Beretta and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. He says "In America we have
so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't need to drink with the same ones
twice."

An Irish priest loved to fly fish, it was an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved waders on and his favourite flies out of their box

Strangly though, every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work.

The weather forcast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu. He asked him to take over his sermon.

The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognise him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do something about it.

With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon.

Confused the angel asked God, "Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson."

God replied "I did. Who do you think he's going to tell?"

Employee: Boss, I can't come in to work today.



Boss: Why, what's wrong?



Employee: I've been diagnosed with Anal Glaucoma.



Boss: What's anal Glaucoma?



Employee: It means I can't see my ass coming in to work today

:laugha: :laugha: :laugha: :kewl: I love it....good one Macojoe.

1. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater

2. Your favorite adjective is "wicked"

3. You remember when the "Fleet Center" was "The Boston Garden" and refuse to refer to it as anything BUT "the Garden"

4. Know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frank(ie)

5. You go to the "packy" not the "liquor store"

6. Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts, ATM or CVS within eyeshot at all times.

7. Know how to claim your space on the T. Know what the T is.

8. You keep an ice scraper and can of de-icer on the floor of your car...year round

9. You still try to order curly fries from Burger King

10. You know how to pronounce Worcester, Peabody, and Cotuit

11. You know where the Combat Zone used to be and still avoid that area

12. You don't eat dinner; you eat "suppa"

13. Pepsi, Coke, Sprite, etc. are not called "soda", they are "tonic"

14. You order iced coffee in January

15. You can curse in Italian...only you don't say "curse" you say "swear"

16. You don't understand the purpose of a crosswalk and therefore refuse to use them, even outside of Boston

17. You know what candlepin bowling is

18. You know about Evacuation Day

19. You have tried to drive the measured mile in less than 45 seconds.

20. You drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax

21. The whole 'Big Dig' mess drives you nuts unless you are spooning it from Brighams. You know what Brighams is and it shows.

22. You've used the statement "not fa nuthin" in conversation.

23. You serve bread with every meal.

24. You feel compelled to hear at least one weather report a day.

25. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left.

26. You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop.

27. Those "things" you put on your ice cream are "jimmies", not "sprinkles"!

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the
entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity.

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a
club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

They run to greet him, shake his hand, eminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good
time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter eturns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been
delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags,picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne,
and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning...... Today you voted for us!"

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!

Subject: FW: You know your living in 2004 when.............


You know your living in 2004 when.............

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.



2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.



3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.



4. You e-mail your friend who works at the desk next to you.



5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do
not have e-mail addresses.



6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone
in a business manner.



7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to
get an outside line.



8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.



10. You learn you've been laid off on the 11 o'clock news.



11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.



12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.



13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.



14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
"friends".



15. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you any more,
except to send you jokes from the net.



16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.



17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No. 9.

Italian Friends
AM





To all my Italian friends and family, and a few who are not - enjoy!
...and if you're from Brooklyn, New Jursey, or Long Eyeland, you'll really
appreciate this!


Eye-Talian


Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Because Italians hate all witnesses.

Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said - TO NY.

You know you're Italian when . . . . You can bench press 325 pounds,
shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit
two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles
into a regular lunch bag.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant,
travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.

You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or on the same block.
All five of those cousins are named after your
grandfather or grandmother.

You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9",
it is presumed his Mother had an affair.

There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when . . . .

Your grandfather had a fig tree.

You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.

Christmas Eve . . . only fish.

Your mom's meatballs are the best! .

You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

Clear plastic covers on all the furniture.

You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."

You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."

You've called someone a "mamaluke."



And you understand "bada bing"

"Lost at Sea"
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

:laugha: Good one!:laugha:

that joke was wicked pissah....lol...sweetness....guinness..hmmm



Originally posted by fishsmith
"Lost at Sea"
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Why does Piglet smell??


'cause he plays with Pooh! :bl2:

Since Eben got the wrong thread I'll do it for him.

A lady walks into a tackleshop and picks out a rod/reel combo for her husbands birthday.. the shop's owner is blind and asks the lady to drop the setup on the floor so he can listen to the way it sounds... the lady, looking confused, asks why and the owner says he can tell the make and model by the sound. So she carefully drops the combo on the ground and the tackleowner says " ahh a 9 ft ron arra surfpro and a Van stall 200, good choice! That will be seven hundred dollars please" She is surprised by this technique but says o.k and bends over to pick up her purse and lets a huge fart rip... Then the tackleshop owner says "that will be seven hundred twenty dollars please." the lady says "whats the exra 20 dollars for?" and the owner says "for the duck call and stink bait"

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

Comeon guys, no one have any new ones?

What do you call deer with no eyes??

I have no eye deer

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked ...

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

What do you call that same deer when it has no legs?

Still no eye deer?

A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey. He ordered a drink and while he was drinking, the monkey jumped all around the place. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them, then jumped onto the pool table, grabbed one of the billiard balls, stuck it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallowed it whole!!!

The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did!?!"

The guy said "No, what?"

"He just swallowed the cue ball off my pool table --- whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate, and left.

Two weeks later he was in the bar again, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar again. While the man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar, grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it! The monkey then found a peanut, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it as well! The bartender was disgusted.

"Did you see what your damn monkey did now? the bartender asked.

"No, what?" replied the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first!

One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O'HONEY, so he took MARY JANE behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVENUE. He gave her a big HERSHEY KISS and began to feel her MOUNDS, that was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLL! He let out a SNICKER as his BUTTERFINGER moved through her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH HENRY" as she squeezed his GOOBERS and made his MR. PEANUT brittle. "That's GOOD N' PLENTY," MARY JANE said. "You're even better than the THREE MUSKETEERS!" Soon she was more than a bit CHUNKY and nine months later had BABY RUTH.

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a
tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough
slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was
friends."

Subject: Fwd: Massachusetts




You know you are from Massachusetts if:

Khakis are something you start the car with

You think crosswalks are for wimps

You think if someone's nice to you, they either want something or they are
from out of town and probably lost

You know how to cross 4 lanes of traffic in 5 seconds

You are amazed when traveling out of town that people who work at
McDonald's actually speak English

You think it's not actually tailgating unless your bumper is touching the
car in front of you

You know that a yellow light means at least 5 more cars can get
through.....and that a red light means 2 more can

A Crown Victoria = Undercover Cop

The transportation system is known as the "T"

Subway is a fast food place

You could own a small town in Iowa for the cost of your house.

There are 24 Dunkin Donuts Shops within 15 minutes of your house.

When people talk about the "curse of the Bambino," you know exactly what
they are talking about, and you believe in it, too

You think of Rhode Island as the "deep South"

Anything past Worcester is "the middle of nowhere"

You believe using a turn signal gives away your plan to the enemy

If you stay on the same road long enough, it will eventually have 3 or more
different names

Someone has honked at you because you didn't peel out the second the light
turned green

You've honked at someone because they didn't peel out the second the light
turned green

All the potholes just add excitement to your driving experience

Stop signs mean slow down a little, but only if you feel like it

Six inches of snow is considered a "dusting"

Three days of 90+ heat is definitely a "heat wave".....and 63 degree
weather is "on the warm side"

$15 to park is a bargain

You cringe every time you hear some actor/actress imitate the "Boston
accent" on TV or in a movie. If you don't have it, you're never going to
get it right....even if you were born here

At the ice cream shop, you call chocolate sprinkles "Jimmies"

You can go from one side of your hometown to the other in less than 15
minutes and see at least 15 losers you graduated with doing the same exact
same thing they were doing the last time you saw them

A Little Culture (http://www.chickenhead.com/stuff/laborer/index.asp)

Great Opportunity - Pyramid scheme!!! Simply send this e-mail
to 9 of your mates.....


INSTRUCTIONS

Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't
forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at
the top of your list.

Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive
823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, there will be at least: 0.5 Miss
Worlds, 2.5 models, 463 wild nymphos, 3,234 good-looking nymphos,
20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms, and 40,198 bi-sexual women.

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less
inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And,
best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of
those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of
his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing
gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the
accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the
international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his
old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he
had not sent the chain letter).

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above
me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering
from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life.


No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities
(that only interest women) just so that you can bonk her. No
obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises
like marriage or engagement.

Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner
PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they
can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon
undertake.

Deep in the back woods of Arkansas, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

SENIOR PERSONAL ADDS

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't

Hangover
Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his
eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of
water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of
him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is
on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the
kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Bob asks,
"Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you
stumbled into the door."
Confused, Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - priceless

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a
tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires,
"Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..."

So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his
ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of
handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips
him naked and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy
handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and asks, "What the hell
happened to you?"

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he
was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy,
walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says,
"This just isn't gonna be your day, is it 'Sunshine' ."

The Internal Revenue Service sent their auditor to a synagogue. The
auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says,
"I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when
we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and
then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in
his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What
do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the
crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the
manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from
the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we send them to the
IRS." "IRS?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "IRS"...and about once a year, they send
us a little prick like you."

A woman went into the pet store to look at the birds for sale. There was a sign on one cage that said Parrot, reduced to $50.00. "Why so little", she asked the pet store owner?

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff!"

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in the living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were taken back, but then began to laugh about the comment considering where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Ralph, came home from work.

. . .


The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Ralph"

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other #^&#^&#^&#^& too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**! Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.

This may be pushing it but...

This penguin is having car trouble so he brings his car into the garage. Mechanic tells him to leave it for a while and he'll check it out. So the penguin walks across the street to get some ice cream and kill some time. He goes in and orders a dish of vanilla ice cream but because he only has flippers and no hands he can't use a spoon. He proceeds to dive into the ice cream face first, getting ice cream all over his face in the process. He finishes the ice cream and walks back across the street to the garage to check on his car. He walks in, the mechanic takes one look at him and says "looks like you blew a seal". The penguin looks at him and says , "no, no. I just had a vanilla ice cream across the street".

The Toronto Star has a weekly column by an attorney, consisting of humorous excerpts from court transcripts. The following appeared a few weeks ago:

In a jury trial in Battleford, Sask., a few decades back, a farmer was charged with bestiality after he became amorous with one of his cows.

The chief Crown witness, the hired man, testified that he saw his boss place a milk stool behind the cow, then stand on the stool and take liberties with the cow. Moments later, the witness said, the cow kicked over the stool and the farmer fell to the floor of the barn.

Upon hearing this, a farmer in the jury box slapped his thigh and exclaimed, "They'll do that every time!"

BLONDE POLICE OFFICER ,,,,,
A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde in her Porsche for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver's license. The blonde Porsche driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture
on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.
After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says.........
"If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
:laughs:

Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."


Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

The Man Code

1. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him.

2. Under no circumstances may two guys share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow attendees.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not - and should not - provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination. Beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call out, "Bull#^&#^&#^&#^&e!" (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits ... forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every increment of hotness she scores on the classic "1-to-10" Babe Scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may, however, gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission. He, in return, is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be regarded as spies until they demonstrate a knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a
buffalo wing clean.

14.. If a guy's zipper is down, that's his problem. You didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or even like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare the excuse about joining the
priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel
... and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. (Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good
ass-whoopin'," then you may sit back and enjoy).

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:

"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be referring to his beer choice.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

27.. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. He wanted to continue living in their downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he asked his wife to move out and get another place. His wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3 days alone at the apartment to pack up her things. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet. Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to move. They could not find a buyer for their stinky apartment so they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home...including the curtain rods.

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12.. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

And last, but not least...

31. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is!

fishaholic18,,




:laughs: :laughs: :laughs: :laughs: :laughs: :laughs: :laughs:

Saw this one in the Sun..

A MAN walks into the dentist's office with a toothache, and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll go with the gas."

The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says, "Take this pill".

The man asks, "What is it?" And doc replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?"

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

mixed with chapstick to help you keep a stiff upper lip.

mixed with Visine, making it easy to stare straight ahead.

mixed with a earwax remover, for those who are hard of hearing.

mixed with Purina dog chow, for hunters dogs (pointers)

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"

Fishaholic your killin me:D:


Whats worse than finding clams on your guitar and lobsters on your piano??

finding crabs on your organ

What do you call it when you're fishing for bass and you catch one on accident?:confused:

A fluke

Originally posted by Eben
Fishaholic your killin me:D:


Whats worse than finding clams on your guitar and lobsters on your piano??

finding crabs on your organ

:laughs: :laughs: :laughs: :laughs:

This one is tasteless:D:

What's Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder's favorite color??


Courderoy:laughs:

booooooo:yak6: :yak6: :yak6: :yak6:

have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.neither has he

There was an old gal wandering around the supermarket calling out,
"Crisco,
Cri-i-i-i sssssssco!"



Soon a store clerk approached. "Ma'am, the Crisco is in aisle D."



The old lady replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff, I am
calling my husband"



"Your husband's name is Crisco?"



The old woman answered, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call him that when we're
out in public."



"Well, what do you call him when you are at home?"



"Lard a$$."

Wish I could be this good a sales person The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Mikey's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Mikey walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said! Little Mikey.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Mikey, "I set up a Dip &Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing: 'Hey, this tastes like #^&#^&#^&#^&!'

Then I would say, "It is #^&#^&#^&#^&. Wanna buy a toothbrush ?"

.: BIG DAY SATURDAY


MARK YOUR CALENDARS FOR THIS SATURDAY!!!

AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES.

SO THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AMERICAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOUSE COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBORHOOD TERRORISTS.

CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED FOR THIS ANTI-TERRORIST EFFORT.

ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK ITS OKAY TO SEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIFE AND TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR ALL AMERICAN WOMEN.

AND SINCE THE TALIBAN ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR ANTI-TALIBAN SENTIMENT.

THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON.
:laughs: :laughs:

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

When I got home last night,
My wife demanded that I take her out
to some place expensive.


So I took her to the gas station

Not many people know that Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb, was an avid fisherman. He usually included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations. During one such trip to the West he was befriended by an Indian tribe. They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay.

On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old-fashioned outhouse. To make things worse, it had no light even though the village had electricity in the homes.

As a thank-you gift for their kindness, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians' privy. He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" She shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breath?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no, again.
The hillbilly walks over to her, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks
down her drawers and quickly gives one of her butt cheeks a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His parner says "Ya know, I"d heerd o' that thar 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it!"

A guy who has lived his entire life in the city decides to drop everything and move up to the mountians of the north country to write a book. he buys a cabin and doesn't see a soul for may... june.... july... august... sept... oct... then thanksgiving rolls around and he's really depressed. About a week into december he gets a knock on the door. he opens it to find a really old hillbilly with a beard down to his knees and looks like he hasn't bathed in about a year. The Hllbilly says "Hi, I'm your neighbor.. i live down the road about about 20 miles from here. I'm having a little chrismas party and I'd like to envite ya." The city guy says, 'Great i'd love to come... what should I expect at this party?" The hillbilly replys...."well, we usually start off with a little drinking, followed up with some heavy drinking... then some drugs. Then there will usually be some fighting, oh there will be lots of fighting... and then sex. Lots of sex". The city guy says- "great! this reminds me of my city days, what should I wear???" the hillbilly guy says-" oh i dont care, its just going to be the 2 of us!"

:laughs:

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the
Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just offshore. A
helpless man, wearing a New York Yankees jersey, was struggling
frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark .
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with
men wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a
harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the
man on board.
Then using autographed Nomar Garciaparra baseball bats, the three
Beantown heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I
heard that there was some bitter hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans,
but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."
"Who was that?" "It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God
and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom,
but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing ... how's the bait holding
up?"
:D

:bl:

Originally posted by fishaholic18
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the
Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just offshore:D

great joke! :)

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential election
that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential
candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough
votes to win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing
contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner.
There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc.,
but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to
settle things. The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of
the week wins.
After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the
contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin.
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be
Sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their
catch for counting and verification. At the end of the first day,
Kerry returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish.
Soon, George W. returns and has zero fish.
Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad day or something
and hopefully, he will catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day Kerry comes in with 20 fish and George W.
comes in again with none. That evening, #^&#^&#^&#^& Cheney gets together
secretly with George W. and says, "I think Kerry is a lowlife cheatin'
son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing.
Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way.
The next night (after Kerry comes back with 50 fish), Cheney says
to George W., "Well, what about it, is Kerry cheatin?'"
"He sure is, #^&#^&#^&#^&, he's cutting holes in the ice."

TRIP TO HOOTERS:

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local
Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every
once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent..
She walked up to the bartender, and asked,
"May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

Why not?" the nun asked?

"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private
parts are covered only by a fig leaf."

Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and
she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out,
and the w! hole place was hopping with music and dancing again.
However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round
of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand.
Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender.
"Would you like a drink?"

But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig
leaf on the statue islifted up, the lights go out in the whole place.

Now, how about that drink?

Whats the hardest thing about making the switch from surfcasting for striped bass to fly fishing for striped bass????

telling your wife your gay

Rolling on the floor laughing!!!!!

Originally posted by Eben
Whats the hardest thing about making the switch from surfcasting for striped bass to fly fishing for striped bass????

telling your wife your gay


That is absolutely hysterical.........I almost fell out of my chair.

Never had the desire for fly fishing for stripers....now I know why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


LOL :claps: :rotf3:

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello, How are you ! We've been waiting for you ! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been ?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion And, my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer. How do I get in ?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word ?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry .... there'll be Hell to pay later.

Originally posted by Iwannakeeper
That is absolutely hysterical.........I almost fell out of my chair.

Never had the desire for fly fishing for stripers....now I know why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


LOL :claps: :rotf3:

Thats an Eben Original:hee:... made it up on teh fly as Crafty angler, Throwing Timber and I went Togging the other morning.

Don't see how #2 could be true...

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals tha! t can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South CarolinaState anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
They are all true....Now go back and think about #16

Would you try this?

Pic didn't go, I'll try again.

Subject: Top 10 Reasons to come to work naked

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "Yes, I have your name here: You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly and in an equally loud voice replied. "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don't want the same doctor that did yours."

results in from the french armed forces all male nude leap frog competition:

air force- 100
army- 98
navy- 3

old benny hill spoof.

Plummer's truck.

Funny or NOT ???


http://terrisfp.com/flash3/mole.swf

DEFINITION OF BARBECUING

It's the only type of cooking a "real man" will do. When a man volunteers to do the "BBQ" the following chain of events are put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store.

2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill.

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the veggies.

6) The woman goes outside to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night #^&#^&#^&#^&. And upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Turned 52 the other day. My sister says that
i am now playing with a full deck.
i was told that i talk about fishing at nite
while i slept. Solved that problem . Now i
fish at nite.
3o yrs ago i had a girl friend who said i was
afraid of commitment. She was wrong
i am still fishing.

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

MONEY SPENT

Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00

TOTAL $21.00


OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50 00

2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to be recycle!

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

MONEY SPENT

Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00

TOTAL -- $4165.00

BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT!!

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

8:00 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m.Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m.Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m.Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m.Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m.Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an
informant, he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the high metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ....

good one !!!!!!!!!!!:laugha: later link sr:cool:

High Tide, thats gotta be one of the funniest i've ever heard.:laughs:
The sad thing is i've been there, done that, and still do it.:huh:

FISHHEAD: THAT WAS GREAT!! I CAN'T STOP THE TEARS FROM ROLLIN! ROCK ON MAN!:kewl:

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the
shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock,
will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The
young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within
seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with
hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email
on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and
says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the
shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you;
you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked -- and you don't know
a hoot about my business ... now, give me back my dog!"

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"

caught a 30 pound striper last week and he was flopping around on the deck like a b#^&#^&#^&#^&#^&g bronco. I asked him what are you doing trying to get away. He said hell no I am trying to get inot the fish box, I would never live it down if my friends found out I got caught by you. I tell ya I get no respect...

I caught a striper last week on a home made popper. The thing was half way in his stomach. I said hey pretty good lure huh and he said no I was trying to swallow it whole so nobody couold see that I actually bite on this broom stick. I get no respect..





Rodney you were the king.

Subject: New Voting Regulations:



Due to the intense nature of the federal election this November,
>the Federal Election Commission has released new guidelines
>for voting. To enhance your voting experience, and to allow everyone
>the opportunity to vote without having to stand in line for hours on
>end, pleas note:
>
>If you are voting for George W. %$%$%$%$%$ please vote on Tuesday, November 2nd.
>If you are voting for John F. %$%$%$%$%$%$ please vote on Wednesday, November 3rd.
>
>
>F.E.C.
>
>This message has been authenticated by Dan Rather and his unbiased , CBS investigative journalists.

.....How to Clean The Toilet:







1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises
that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and
rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are
no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and
run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

2 Blondes...........
One blonde asks another, "Which is further, London or
the Moon?"
The other blonde replies, "HELLOOO, can you see London
from here?
:smash:

Comprehending Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,

Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,

"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a

beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the

ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes

probably wouldn't have fit."

****************************

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass

is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it

needs to be.





*****************************

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil

Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build

targets.

***************************

Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough

features yet."

***************************

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it

was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect

said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for

an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his

mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each

assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go

to the lab and get some work done."

**************************

Comprehending Engineers - Take Six

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to

him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog

spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a

beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer

took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the

pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back

into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back

into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a

beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do

anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a

girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
:smash:

Three baseball fans were on their way from a game when they noticed a foot
sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They looked and
discovered a nude woman, drunk and passed out.

Out of respect for the lady, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it
over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over
her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and
placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his
inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down
some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some
more notes.

The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again,
replaced it, lifted it a third time, and
replaced it one last time.

The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert
or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the officer, "I am simply surprised.
Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an #^&#^&#^&#^&#^&#^&#^&."

GO SOX!!!

:rotfl:

good one VB :happy:

Subject: The Silent Debate



Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or
leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope
offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the
Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope
won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent
them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke
no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a
full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi
Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the
ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi
Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi
Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope
said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded
by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God
common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded
by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our
sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me
beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did
you win the debate?" they asked.

"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days
to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger! Then he tells me that the
whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying
right here."

"And then what," asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.



"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."



The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.



The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.



The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."



"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my as*hole." And the idiot went to Heaven.

George W. Bush visits a third grade class and politely asks the students if they have any questions. Little Billy raises his hand and Mr. Bush nods... Billy stands up and says, "President %$%$%$%$%$ thanks... I have three questions: first, why did we go into Iraq without U.N. sanctions... second, why were so many black people in Florida not allowed to vote in the last election... and third, whatever happened to Osama bin Laden?" Just as Billy finished asking his question, the bell for recess rang and President Bush suggested, "we'll pick this up when we get back." Once everyone is again seated in the classroom, President Bush asks "well, does anybody else have any questions?" This time, little Mary raises her hand and says, "President %$%$%$%$%$ thanks... I have five questions: first, why did we go into Iraq without U.N. sanctions... second, why were so many black people in Florida not allowed to vote in the last election... third, whatever happened to Osama bin Laden... fourth, why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early... and fifth what the hell happened to Billy?" :smash:

this couple was on there 25'th anniversary.
the guy took his wife to the very same hotel they stayed at on there honeymoon 25 years ago.
she's dressed in the very same red slinky outfit she wore 25 years ago on this date.

she says: "you notice anything?"
he says: "yah, you're wearing the same dress from our honeymoon"
she says: "and what were you thinking then?"
he says: "i was thinking i should f*** your brains out and suck your t*** flat"

she says: "and what are you thinking now"

he says: "i'm thinking i did a pretty good job!" :D

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." "Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake. "Oooooooh, Henry, you old codger, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this,having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So, he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are b#^&#^&#^&#^&#^&g and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, Sh#@t!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "that was truly amazing - that old man was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is." As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?" The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

:laughs: :bl: :bl2: :hee: :hihi: :laugha: :jester: Good one Van....I like that one!;)

:D

:D

that is hysterical

Wedding Cake Topper

How Appropriate !!!!!!!

Even has fingernail marks

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast_ for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when_ there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a New York Yankee's jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

_

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Yankee fan from the water. Then using (autographed
Nomar) baseball bats, the three heroes in red beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat also.

_

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

_

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"

_

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

_

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know #^&#^&#^&#^& about shark fishing....How's the bait holding up?"

Four married guys went fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place...]

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'll build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing, or Sex?" and she said, "Wear a sweater."

:)

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!

A Windsor man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his butt.


Police suspect a cereal killer.

After drinking all evening with his friends, a man left the bar
with a couple of bottles of whiskey stuck in his back pocket to enjoy
another time.

A he staggered home, shoes in left hand to avoid waking his
wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading
to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened
entryway.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around
and he landed heavily on his rump.

The whiskey bottles in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung
up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding
cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to
find a large full box of Band-Aids. He proceeded to place a patch,
as best he could, on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now empty box of Band-Aids, he managed to shuffle
and stumble his way to bed. In the morning, the man awoke with
searing pain in his head and butt and his wife staring at him from
across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night."

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and
replied, "Now, honey, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops
of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot
eyes, but mostly...

"It's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift._ The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary._ Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary._ Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot._ The parrot yelled back._ John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder._
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed._ Then suddenly there was total silence._ Not a peep was heard for over a minute._ Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions._ I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude._ As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

60% of women in this country are beaten and I'm still eating mine plain :huh:

eben its battered! :smash:

I think Eben's ready for bed :hs:

-spence

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted

Originally posted by Fish_n_Dive
eben its battered! :smash:

oh chit :smash: I saw a bumperstiker that said that phrase on it and I almost drove off the road :laughs:

saw this one on the other place:)





Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.

Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother,

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

"Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral : Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.:smash:

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

:rotfl:

thats a classic!

Dear Penthouse,

I never thought...

:D

Very...nice!

-spence

:laughs: :laughs: :wall: :eek5: :conf: :rotf3: :rotf2: :rotfl: :rotf2:

Redneck measuring tape.

:laughs:

canadian air force

iraq's ground force

Mike, now I know what you do when you are not fishing.

Keep your condoms in the car.......hahahhaha


-IWK

Little Rebecca comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Christmas. "Since Christmas is for a Christians and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Christmas card?

Rebecca's father thinks! a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Christmas card to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?

"Well", she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a card, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent cards to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

Rebecca, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Rebecca says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the sh*t out of him and send him back to hell where he belongs.

:laughs:

:laugha:

I lost my mouse.

We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This just tells
you how tough it is to be single nowadays .

This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the
audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The
winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no
question as to why her tale took the prize!

Marilyn said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy
had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead . It was a day trip (no
overnight). No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly
had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful
until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving
back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should
not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from
anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion
suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee
beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and
she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she
let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion
stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a
real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was
the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the
situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen
to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to
disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a
brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her
date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that
indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater
and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out
laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to
compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as
hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both
agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the
grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was
only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her
first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the
fender.

As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down... or perhaps
that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was
embarrassing.Jay Leno's comment - - - - This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house,

slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags.
I won the lottery!"

The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."

THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL:

Even if you are not an engineer, I am sure you will all get a laugh out of this. I was fortunate enough not to have a question like this when I was in school, but it goes to show you a complete understanding of a topic and a little bit of imagination can get you superb results.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry and physics mid term. The answer by one student was "so profound" that
the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Morrison, during my freshman year, "... that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr.Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready. The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any damn Frenchmen to show it to."

DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital.
There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every
time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little
child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice: "And how are we doing this morning," or "Are we ready for a bath," or "Are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So . you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .... "

At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying: "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted.!!
Old Harold just smiled.
DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!

Merry Christmas

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like bargains at a yard sale, if you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I
know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent
friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.
Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
_
/'_-/)
,/_ /
/ /
/'_'/' '/'__'/','/'
/'/ / / / /_\
( ( ' ' _ > \
\ |
\ / '
\ /
Giving the Finger
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating
victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of
all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "pl#^&#^&#^&#^&#^&g the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!
"PLUCK YEW!"
Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental
fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the
one-finger-salute!
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird." IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew everything!

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his a$$ while he is on fire.

Further studies are pending.

Christmas Carols For The Psychiatrically Challenged


SCHIZOPHRENIA -
Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY -
We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA -
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC -
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA -
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER -
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell
you why.

DEPRESSION -
Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE -
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY -
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE -
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it
all away).

At a local watering hole, a strangr walks up to the bar and ask the bartender for 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartender ask "What's wrong buddy?", to which the stranger's reply is "If you had what I have, you'd ask for 12 shots at one time as well."

The stranger then proceeds to down the whiskey, one shot after another, causing the bartender asked again "Damn, buddy, what's wrong?"

The stranger replies again"If you had what I have, you'd drink like this as well!"

The bartender, now really intrigued, asks "well, what do you have?"


The stanger replies "75 cents!"

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still
feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is
only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the
fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some
definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime someone walks by, you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared
you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your
bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of
water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke yet you haven't pee'd once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but
that can't hide the fact that it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars . (For the men, you only shaved one side of
your face.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five
%$%$%$%$s you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who
enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out! of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the
remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this
morning. Any attempt to crap results in a fire hose like discharge of
alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater thrown in. The sole purpose of
this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.
Death sounds pretty good about right now...

Lost Dog

Lost Dog

It's a woman.:laughs:

:laughs: :laughs: :laughs:

When I first looked at the picture I looked to see if it was a CT plate:smash: :smash:
Krispy will get that one:laughs:

THIS IS TRULY A CLASSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....

"Only when he's been drinking."

:laughs: :laughs: that was AWESOME!!!

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the
bench and sat down. The young man had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

whoops (http://www.big-boys.com/articles/girltread.html)

how to pull a car out of the snow (http://www.big-boys.com/articles/smalltobig.html)

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she e was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this %$%$%$%$..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Hers:

Dear diary,

I think my husband wants to leave me. Today, when I got home from work, he was distant and uncommunicative. I asked what was wrong but he said nothing was the matter. I knew he was lying but I couldn't get anything out of him. We went to a lovely dinner and I couldn't get him to engage in meaningful conversation, all I got was simple answers and that distant look. On the drive home I could tell something was the matter but I didn't want to push the issue. After we got home I could tell he was still somewhere else, so I thought if I cozied up to him and we made love it would help, but it didn't seem to improve his dour disposition much. I'm sure he must be thinking of leaving me. I don't know what to do.


His:

Dear diary,

Patriots lost today, but at least I got layed.

Not where I thought it was going.

I expected it to involve "his" need to go fishing.

Haven't we all treated our significant other this way for fishing reasons. - I know it is your birthday, but it is the new moon?

-IWK





Originally posted by Eben
Hers:

Dear diary,

I think my husband wants to leave me. Today, when I got home from work, he was distant and uncommunicative. I asked what was wrong but he said nothing was the matter. I knew he was lying but I couldn't get anything out of him. We went to a lovely dinner and I couldn't get him to engage in meaningful conversation, all I got was simple answers and that distant look. On the drive home I could tell something was the matter but I didn't want to push the issue. After we got home I could tell he was still somewhere else, so I thought if I cozied up to him and we made love it would help, but it didn't seem to improve his dour disposition much. I'm sure he must be thinking of leaving me. I don't know what to do.


His:

Dear diary,

Patriots lost today, but at least I got layed.

Dear Abby

I have been so blessed in my life. Great parents, great wife and kids, great job, and great education.

When I finally retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait &Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing; she not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?


Thanks, A fisherman


PS I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass we caught.













Dear Fisherman,
Get rid of that narrow minded wife.

In original versio Sam was nekkid. :D

Bob works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday
she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob!
How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual
and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Bobbie. Want your! usual table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have Mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every
4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time, huh".

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Rosie, who was visiting Texas from the West Coast:



"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:



Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Rosie) - Holy %$%$%$%$, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili ....
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now...get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting %$%$%$%$-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.bitch is starting to look HOT (just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.) Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I %$%$%$%$ myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like %$%$%$%$ to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it...I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Kind of reminds me of "self proclaimed" chili chefs claiming that their "5 alarm chili is the best, whereas I would claim it was a "false alarm" chili.
My mom used to make my father chili, which he would claim was plenty hot. One tase and I would say "Who made the Sloppy Joes?" I would then proceed to pour on the hot sauce for my bowlful. Some can take the heat and some can't, kind of like Buffalo wings.

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield CA, some folks new to boating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

(NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE) Under the boat, still strapped securely in place... was the trailer!

Where’s My Car?

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies. The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's 'personality' is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out, "I'll be damned, My girlfriend's gone, too!"

You fishermen might want to pass this along....

As we grow old...our priorities change. So.....the other day I came home
and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and
holding a couple of short velvet ropes. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you
can do anything you want."



So, I tied her up and went fishing

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which ten items would you like to buy?"
=====================

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
=======================

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
=======================

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
=======================

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
=======================

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord.

"What does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute".
===========================

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my new wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly........... where is Larry's bar?"
===========================

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
======================

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
=========================

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."
==========================

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting
all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest
frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a
circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a
voice boomed,

''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut
yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed,

''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far
end of the ice. Then she started another hole and
once again the voice said,

''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is
that you, Lord?''

The voice answered,

''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he smiled. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that the French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name."

"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba".

:laughs: :laughs: :laughs: Thanks Eben.

In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a
severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go
from bad to worse when one wing is struck by
lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she
stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she
wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last
minutes on Earth to be memorable!

I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me
really feel like a woman!

Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who
can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own
peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the
front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you
feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with
black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the
aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger
approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple
across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the
arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers.....

"Here. Iron this."

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bar tender says, hey we have a drink named after you. The grasshopper says, that's kind stupid who would want a drink called Larry.

:laughs: Good one karl :kewl:

:laughs: :laughs: Karl :D

That was great:D

I heard this one at work today :D

*disclaimer- This joke does not reflect my views on women:)





Why do brides wear white at their wedding???

So the dishwasher matches the stove :hihi:

Nice one Eben...:D :smash: :D It was pretty funny even though it was sexist!:laughs: