A Japanese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars at a bank:

Japanese guy: "Yestoday I get two hunat dollah fo yen, today I get one
hunat eighty, why it change?"

Teller (shrugs): "fluctuations."

Japanese guy: "fluc you white guys too!"

Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

What's the difference between love and herpes?
Love doesn't last forever.

How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
Call her and tell her.

How do you know when you are getting old?
When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
Two test tickles.

outstanding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clammer is the joke of the day! :rotf2: :fishslap: :bshake:

Originally posted by Starfish
Clammer is the joke of the day! :rotf2: :fishslap: :bshake:


thats not very nice

Originally posted by Iwannakeeper
thats not very nice

Star _____ isn't very nice either...:(



You're right, I adjusted them both a little.--Fishpart

not nice - that is not what I remember from the fitness room....

she never appeared to be 'not nice' in my opinion ;)

-IWK

A blonde is in the middle of a hay field sitting in a row boat rowing like crazy, obviously not going anywhere....A blonde is driving by in her car and stops, and starts yelling to the girl.. " It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name, If I could swim I would come out there and beat your azz..."

:rolleyes:

ReelE I really like that blonde joke...never heard that one before...:laughs:

Reel E what do you o for the phone co? who do you work for?

Dr. Dave

Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality whispering........



."Dave, you're a veterinarian... "

Originally posted by TheSpecialist
Reel E what do you o for the phone co? who do you work for?

Thats proprietary info :rolleyes:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sarts tester, and I only answer to me :)
.
.
.
.
shhhh, I am working right now:smash: :laughs:

I am sure many of these have been posted...but since the theme has re-occured.

What do you call a smart blonde? Golden Retreiver.

There is a smart blonde, a dumb blonde, and Santa Claus standing on a corner and someone drops a $20.......who picks it up? The dumb blonde the other 2 don't exist


keep em commin'

NEXT STEP........... ;)

SST here.

CATC.......if ya need me, lemme know, direct access to a tester, bonus ;)

There is a smart blonde, a dumb blonde, and Santa Claus standing on a corner and someone drops a $20.......who picks it up? The dumb blonde the other 2 don't exist



That's great:D

What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies? Bingo

What do you call a truck full of dildos? Toys for Twats

Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed? Yeah...now he has no ears.

How do you know when a Barbie has her period? All your tic tacks are gone.

How can you tell if you have acne? If the blind can read your face.

Good one Karl:laughs: Reminded me of an oldie but goody.
Paddy had a great time at the local pub one night and bein there was no designated driver decided to chance the drive home. Comin out of the bar he made a wrong turn and drove the wrong way on a one way street.
About half way down the street he gets stopped by the local cop who as he approaches says"Paddy,didn't ya see the arrows? Paddy says, "arrows??, hell i didn't even see the indians".

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel
where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of
hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel
schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his
room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without
realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home
to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her
e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After
reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

*****************************

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now and you are allowed to send e-mail's to your loved ones. I've
just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has
been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing
you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?.. and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.. I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..." Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen," Harry replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm," he said. "How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground. "Wow!" Harry said, "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're sh**ting all over the bed!"

Terrorists found at:
Viking Marine Servces
The State Department notified me on October 12th that 4 known terrorists were known to be operating at our facility......
They told me that they had taken into custody
the first 3, but were lookng for the fourth.


Bin Loafin', Bin Sleepin', and Bin Drinkin'
had all been taken into custody, but
the fourth, Bin Workin' was no where to be found.


We urdged workers to keep their eyes open for anyone fitting the description of "Bin Workin"
and report to manangement any findings.


To date we are sorry to report, Bin Workin' is no where to be found........

A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in
price, the sheerer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest
item, pays the $500, and takes the gossamer lingerie home. He presents
it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it
for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it
might as well be nothing. I won't put it on; I'll do the modeling
naked, return the gown tomorrow, and pocket the $500 refund for
myself.

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband
says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.
Funeral services are pending.

Oh my god! :rotf2: :rotf3: :rotf2:

Poker Game

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet; be gentle; don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.
The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife. "I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

:laugha:

> A Married Irishman
>
> A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I
> almost had an affair with another woman."
> The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
> The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
I
> stopped."
> The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not
> to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put
$50
> in the poor box."
> The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
> to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
> The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.
> You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
> The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according
> to you, that's the same as putting it in.
>
>

Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male pray mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the Tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing.................... )

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)


I resent that comment. :usd:
Wicked funny though! :claps:

A Red Sox fan used to amuse himself by scaring every Yankee fan he
saw strutting down the street in the obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt. He
would swerve his van as if to hit them, and swerve back just missing
them.One day, while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he
would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going Father?"
"I'm going to give mass at St. Francis church, about 2 miles down the
road" replied the priest. "Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!"
The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down
the road.
Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankee fan walking down the road, and he
instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back
into the road just in time.
Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard
a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors
but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he
turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankee
fan."
"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door"


GO SOX!!!

not exactly a joke, but................................





If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

:nopain:

Why Math is Taught in School (Written by a very wise man)


I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers.

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ....... I think not.

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said,

"You can write with your other hand."

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" I don't know " he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

:laughs:

R.I.P. Johnny

%$During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one "Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room," she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.

The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite.%$ What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."

"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners."

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers?
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.

.
.
..Well Hung. :doh:

Hey Flap-

have you heard of the new shoes for lesbians???

They're called Dykies........... problem is they were all recalled because the tounges were too short :hihi:

:hidin:

Walking The Dog

A little girl asks her mom if she can take the dog for a walk around the block. Mom replies no because because the dog is in heat. What's that mean asks the little girl, mom replies go ask your father I think he is in the garage. The little girl goes to the garage and says dad can I take Belle for a walk around the block, I asked mom but she said Belle was in heat and to come ask you. He says bring Belle over here, he then soaks a rag in gasoline and rubs it on the dogs backside. He then says she's all set now, make sure to keep her on the leash and only go once around the block. The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised dad asks, where's Belle? The little girl replies, Belle ran out of gas about half way around the block and that another dog was pushing her home!

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on
top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's
probably spent a lot
of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do
whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very
dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in
my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I
love you, too!"

Questions that really need answers...

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm
gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song
about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff,
why didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?

13 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have
the same tune?

14. Why are you singing it to yourself? you didn't believe
me?..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he
gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his
head out the window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it
arrive faster?

18. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

19. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address in the
first place?

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.


The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.


The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million

> >replacement Mexicans

One day, in line at the
company cafeteria, Joe says
to Mike, "My elbow hurts like
crazy. I guess I better see a
doctor."



"Listen, you don't have to
spend that kind of money,"
Mike replies. "There's a
diagnostic computer down at
Wal-Mart. Just give it a
urine sample and the computer
will tell you what's wrong
and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and costs
ten dollars... a lot cheaper
than a doctor."



So Joe puts a urine sample
in a small jar and takes it
to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten
dollars, and the computer
lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the
sample into the slot and
waits.



Ten seconds later, the
computer ejects a printout:



"You have tennis elbow. Soak
your arm in warm water and
avoid heavy activity. It will
improve in two weeks.Thank
you for shopping at Wal-Mart."



That evening while thinking
how amazing this new
technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer
could be fooled.



He mixed some tap water, a
stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife
and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure. Joe
hurried back to Wal-Mart,
eager to check the results.



He deposited ten dollars,
poured in his concoction, and
awaited the results.



The computer then prints the
following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.

Thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.

This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word HONDA."

"That's very interesting, I've never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor.

The guy fires one off and sure enough, the doctor hears "HONDA!"

After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy, the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guy’s farts say, "HONDA."

Finally, as a last resort, the doctors send him to a dentist. After listening to the problem, the dentist opens up the guys mouth and examines it.

"A-haa!!!!,” says the dentist, "....I have solved the problem."

"What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc"

The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscessed tooth."

"Yeah....so?", says the guy, "What has that got to do with my farts?"

The dentist replies . . .

"Cant you see…Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA"

Ughhhh!! That was painfull :hs:

Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats, and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?
BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK!!!

Catholic Boys

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been
with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you,
little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is."
And, who was the woman you were with?" "I can't be
tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out
sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a
steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've
sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church
mass for three months.Be off with you now." Tommy
walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over
and whispers,"What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads"

A hillbilly, young Kenny, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" ? Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." Kenny grew up and eventually became the Chairman of Enron.

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a
woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all
the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked
my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs,
splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Stupid women drivers !

One day Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach collecting shells when she looked down and saw an old brass lamp.

She decided it may be worth a couple of bucks if she cleaned it up so she starting rubbing the side of it and "POOF' a magic genie appeared!

Monica was so excited saying "wow - a magic genie", I'm gonna get 3 wishes, but the genie stpooed her abruptly her by saying "no, you only get one wish."

She says " what do you mean I only get one wish, why not 3 wishes?"

The genie says " well, you already have fame and fortune so you only get one wish."

She stood there for a minute thinking real hard, and then she says " okay, I've got it, since I only get one wish and I already have fame and fortune, the only thing I can think of what I really want right now is that I'd like to lose these love handles I've got."

The genie says you're wish is my command and "POOF" her ears dissappeared!

I got a new car radio yesterday, and it is terrific !!

If I say "Rock" it plays Rock and Roll,

If I say "Rap" it plays Rap Music,

If I say "Love" it plays Love Music.

Three kids ran out in front of the car,

And I said F*&%ing Kids,

And it played Michael Jackson.

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative,"
said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington DC

:tm:

A old lady went to the doctors for an extreme flatulence problem. She is seen by the doctor and she explains "Doctor, I do not know what is wrong. I seem to pass wind nearly constantly. I have pass gas 5 times since you came in the room."

She continues, "the good news is it has no smell and no sound, so I assume no one else can tell, but it is very concerning none the less."

The doctor gives her a thorough examination and tells her to take a prescription for 1 week then return to see him.

A week passes and she is back with the Doctor. She exclaims "Doc, what did you give me. I still pass wind constantly, and it still makes no sound, but the smell is horrible. I nearly gag when I smell it."

The doctor replies 'That good dear, now that we have you sinusus cleared up, lets see what we can do about your hearing."

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine
children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,
they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to
fit
onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man
as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a
piece

of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of
YOUR

stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

> > > Subject: Sharon at the White House
> > >
> > > Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a
> > state dinner. Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and
>have a
> > > truly Jewish meal. At the dinner that night, the first course served
>was matzoh ball soup.
> > > George W. looks at this and after learning what it is called, he tells
>an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew.
> > > The aide says that Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least
>taste
>it.
> > > Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate sheep's eye in
>honor
> > of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and
> > > retrieves a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitates, then
> > > swallows. A big grin appears on his face. He finds that he really
>likes it, and digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.
> > > "That was delicious," Bush says to Sharon. "Do Jews eat any other part
>of the matzoh, or just the balls?"

Waay to funny, Karl. :laughs: :rotf3: :laughs:

-Two Muslim Extremists are sitting in a cave while smoking hashish and chatting over a pint of fermented goat's milk.
The first Muslim Extremist pulls out his wallet and starts flipping
through pictures, and they start reminiscing
"This is my oldest son, he's a martyr."
"Praise Allah! You must be so very proud," says the other
yes, and this is my second son. He's a martyr also."
"A fine looking man... praise be to Mohammed!" replies his comrade
After a pause and a deep sigh, the Muslim Extremist says wistfully, "They
blow up so fast, don't they?"

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then, he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring
your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Pete
and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you", the woman responded. "This may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their
cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with them.

Immediately, her parrots said, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put
the beads away, Pete, our prayers have been answered!"

Wal-Mart will have its own wine...

Some Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto,California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."

So, here we go: The top 12 suggested names for Walmart Wine:

13. Chateau Traileur Parc

12. White Trashfindel

11. Big Red Gulp

10. Grape Expectations

9. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"

8. NASCARbernet

7. Chef Boyardeaux

6. Peanut Noir

5. Chateau des Moines

4. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

3. World Championship Riesling

2. Sams Shiraz

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine .

1. Nasti Spumante


The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with both white meat (Possum) and red meat (squirrel).

Say the word COW before each word.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now say the word COW After each word

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now say the word COW before AND after each word.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now read just the words upwards from the bottom.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4- Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look

Got Ya

This is FICTION


A pair of jumper cables came in to the bar and the bar tender said i'll give you a beer if you dont start any thing... :laughs:

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him
and say's "Hello".

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from,
so he says "Do you know me?"

To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his
wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that
I screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your
partner whipped my ass with wet celery?"

She said . . . "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

Joke in a pic.

Great detail all the way to her cigarette...

funny, that doesn't look like daryl. :tooth:

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

George Bush is sitting in the Whitehouse when the Chief of Staff comes running in.

"Mr President, we just got word that 25 Brazilian troops were just killed in Iraq"

Mr. Bush looks at him in stunned Silence for a moment and then says "Thats Terrible, But I'm a little confused....How many is a Brazilian?

With all the trauma and sadness going on in the world, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went un-noticed last month because of Hurricane Katrina.
Larry La Prise the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.


What if the hokey pokey IS what it's all about?

With all the trauma and sadness going on in the world, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went un-noticed last month because of Hurricane Katrina.
Larry La Prise the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.


What if the hokey pokey IS what it's all about?LMAO...... good one!!

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.
With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.

"Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that
Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million
Muslims and one blonde with big boobs".

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big boobs? Why
kill a blonde with big boobs?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you
no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

A 7 year old boy and a 5 year old boy are sitting in their bedroom after dinner, the 9 year old says to the 7 year old, "Y'know we're gtting to be pretty old, I think it's time we start to swear like Dad"

The 5 year old thinks for a minute and says "OK"

The 7 year old then says "OK, tomorrow at breakfast, I'll use 'Hell' and you try and work in the word 'ass'. Sound like a plan?"

The 5 year old agrees and they go to bed.

The next morning they wake up and head for the breakfast table. The boys' mother greets them with a smile and asks the 7 year old what he'd like for breakfast.

"Ah.. Hell, give me some cheerios"

The boys mother grabs him by the ear and screams at him, carries him up the stairs, spanks him and tells him to stay in his room until Dinner.

She then returns to the table and says, "now what would you like?''

The 5 year old replies "Well you can bet your ass I don't want cheerios"

I was putting my boat in at the ramp and I noitced an old guy crying his eyes out at the dock , I launched the boat and tied up hopped out and asked his if he was ok -- he said it's my 75th birthday and I have a 22yr old girlfriend and a couple of VIAGRA, I said to him what wrong with that you should be clicking your heels - he said I forget where I live.
LINK SR :jump: :confused: :scream: :eyes:

An elderly Italiian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of

impending death he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette

sprinkled cookies wafting up the stairs.Gathering his little remaining strenght

he lifted himself off the bed. Leaning against the wall he painfully made his

way,to the stairs and with even with greater effort he gripped the stair rail

with both hands and crawled downstairs. With labored breath he leaned against the door

against the door frame gazing into the kitchen. Where if were not for deaths agony he would

have thought himself already in heaven, for there spread out on waxed paper

on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette

sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven or was it one final act of heroic love from

his wife of 60 years seeing to it he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great last bit of strength he ended crumpled on nis knees on

the floor near the table. His parched lips parted the wonderous taste of the

cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged

and crippled hand trembled on it's way to the cookie on the edge of the table

when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife....

"don't touch
she said,
there for the
funeral".

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! Why are you rushing to the front?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her A$$ in it."

:devil2:

>
>Seniority!!
>
>A very self-important college freshman at a recent USC football game, took
>it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it
>was impossible for the older generation to understand his own.
>
>"You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive, world," the student
>said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "We young people today grew
>up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our
>spaceships have visited Mars... We even have nuclear energy, electric and
>hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing .... and uh.."
>
>Taking advantage of a pause for breath in the student's litany, the
>"wizened" one said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have those things when we
>were young...so we invented them.. you arrogant little sh-thead!!
>Now.... what are you doing for the next generation??"
>

The Boss was in a quandary.

He had to fire somebody.

He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you just jack off?" she says. "I feel like %$%$%$%$ today."
:jester:

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for
me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.


Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

www.ritrialsclub.com/uploads/barmon.wmv

DL it it might play better

sol...

BAPTIZING A DRUNK:

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk,
when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps
into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell ofalcohol,
where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus? "

The drunk replies,"No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again
for a little longer. He again pulls him out ofthe water and asks again,
"Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds
and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"


(Are ya ready for this??????????????????)


The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
:bgi:

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

She holds the bulb up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has
just passed away. At the end of the service, the
pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find
that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more
years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of
it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband
cries out:

"Watch that wall!"

Two guys are sitting in a bar in Dublin pounding shots of whiskey. After a while they begin to talk and shoot the %$%$%$%$ like old friends.

Guy1 "I grew up just down the road in Dublin on Carnegy way"

Guy2 "oh ya did lad thats funny I grew up on that same street"

Guy1 "oh really I went to West minster class of 1943"

Guy2 "ohh wouldn't You know I went to Westminster class of 1943"

So this goes on and on and they continue to knock back the shots.
Finally the phone rings and the bar tender picks up

Bar tender: "Hello?"

Voice: "ah how ya doing patrick, anything going on down at the pub tonight?"

Bar tender "ah not too much, The Flanagan twins are in again.. there all banged up"

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question".

..

A lawyer and a blond woman happen to be sitting next .
to each other on a long cross-country flight. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

Now this blonde happens to be highly intelligent, but she's tired and
politely declines and turns toward the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vise-versa."

Again the blonde declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the
match, so he makes another offer, "Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there would be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance fromthe earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse and pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes back down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his colleagues and friends, trying to get some help, all to no avail.

After almost two hours he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the money and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, is going nuts trying to figure it out.

Finally, he wakes the blonde again and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes back down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep

A young man married a beautiful woman who had
previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding
night, she told her new husband, "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if
you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept
telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he w as never
really sure how it was supposed to function, but he
said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything
checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get
the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew
he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able
to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic
process but wanted three years to research, implement,
and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew
how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a
product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was
talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at
it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did
was...Go d, I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm
gonna get SCREWED!

How are a drunk guy and a bumber sticker alike?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
..
.
.
They're both hard to get off.

Cooking Eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we
going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."
:cool:

Steve

It's pretty sad when your own teenager sens you this in an email and says, "Look dad, a joke written specifically about you."

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,? "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.? If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
?
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

How To install a wireless security system:
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big
dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to
get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the Pit bulls, they've just been wormed."

why did helen keller wear tight waders?
























so you can read her lips

A man goes to the doctor because his 'unit' is orange.

The doctor checks him out and says " Mr. Jones I can't find anything wrong with you. Your blood work looks good as does everything else.' The doctor thinks for a minute and then asks "Tell me what you do. You know, your daily routine."

Mr. Jones say's " Well I don't do much. Mainly I just sit around and watch porno while eating my Cheeto's."

A good friend wil come and bail you out of jail---- a true friend will be sitting next to you sayin, "was that fun or what". :D

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect "loaded" Lexus - and walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leath! er upholstery, an
unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had
noticed.
There standing behind her was a salesman. with a pleasant smile he
greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though
nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say
that if you farted just touching it, you're gonna sh*t when you hear the price.

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzales said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval, with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".

Sad, but true and pretty funny.
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 (pass along to someone you know who is)

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M..

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

14. You sing along with elevator music.

15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said,
"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to
each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said
the wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the
Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands. Then it was the husband's
turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very
romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm
sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
wish...

So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92
years old.

The moral of the story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember that fairies are female.

Only a West Virginian could think of this. From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside the Hilltop Tavern in Rootstown, Ohio~~ After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing



After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.



Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.



The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly . "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

a is walking into a pet store at in a mall and there'a a parrot at the entrance. as the guy enters the parrot says" know what?" and the guy replies "what", the parrot says "you're really stupid and your wife is ugly" the guy walks into the store to buy something. on his way out the parrot says" know what?" guy says "what" parrot says "you're really stupid and your wife is ugly". at this point the guy is pissed off and goes to the manager and tells him. the manager says the parrot would never say that and they both go over to him. tha parrot says to the guy "know what?" guy says "what" the parrot says "you know what". i know long and corny- made me laugh.

A man was walking down the street when he was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten
dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will
you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the
homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying
food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless
man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to
stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf
course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I
haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red
light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?"
exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you
the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for
a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm
dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important
for her to see what a man looks like after he has
given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

George Bush is sitting in the Whitehouse when the Chief of Staff comes running in.

"Mr President, we just got word that 25 Brazilian troops were just killed in Iraq"

Mr. Bush looks at him in stunned Silence for a moment and then says "Thats Terrible, But I'm a little confused....How many is a Brazilian?
That made me laugh out loud :hihi:

15207

A guy I know bought the pickup truck used in the movie Brokeback Mountain.

It was auctioned online @ eBay for $2800.

He says that is cheap for an authentic movie prop. It even runs. In above average condition, overall, despite having been rear-ended a couple of times.

How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?

.
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.
.
.
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.

He marks the camels that kick with an X

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the tv was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, the father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That morning the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can use this stuff, I'll constantly need new batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist.

Passing the optimists room, the father found him dancing with joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which the optimist replied "There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere."

:rotf3:

hahahahaha!!!!

:bl: :bl: :bl: :bl:

LMAO, good one Karl, i can picture it happening. :hihi:

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

" Stanley ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right,
question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks
him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley ?":rotfl: :rotfl:

Wal Mart Has Everything!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars .. . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, the computer lights up, and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart"

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

I Miss Bill Clinton




It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV. There was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.


"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.



Number 1 - He played the sax.

Number 2 - He smoked weed.

Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.



Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't!



And, he gets a check from the government every month.

:rotf2:

Family owned hardware business located in new york city required all family start at bottom and work themselves up the ladder to a better position.the owners youngest son was told to go to all the new england states and take orders and show new products.on driving through maine for 3 hours he has to take a sh*t.he has not passed anyplace to stop.he see a pumpkin patch and pull out a knife,cuts the top off the pumpkin and sits and proceeds to do his business.he put the top back on the pumpkin and after driving down the road for a mile he comes to a gas station general store.after he goes all the way to the candian boarder on his way back he stops at the general store and goes inside.chatting with the clerk he tell him about the pumpkin and then he goes on his way.the clerk cranked up the phone and said vi this is cy that was sh*t in the pumpkin pie.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. About lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be too afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. Chapped lips? Rub chicken %$%$%$%$ on them. It won't ease the chapping, but it will keep you from licking them.

9. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are. You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. (me buck and mo were just talking about this)

And finally.....Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says:

"You're next, fatty."

Bill Gates vs General Motors

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that :

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."



In response to Gates' comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:


If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

f18....lol:jump:

f18....lol:jump:

http://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/_950/ole.gifhttp://photo-forum.net/joro/emoticons/EmoticonTheWave.gif

At last, a bumper sticker for both parties.

FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100%
bipartisan political bumper sticker. The hottest
selling bumper sticker comes from New York state .

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper.

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in
Phoenix. The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of
Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on
the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to
keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I
can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the
city. But, you must promise not to
ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask
one question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the
free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat,
and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew
up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the
blue pigeon. They gathered up behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix
pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop
city Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the
blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of
the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor
presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that,
indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to
no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5
million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.

The mayor asked: "Do you have any blue Mexicans?"

A lady wrote the best letter in the Editorials in ages!! It explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV:


"Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.


Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, "I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors; I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).


According to the protesters, not only must you let me stay, you must add me to your family's insurance plan, educate my kids, and provide other benefits to me and to my family (my husband will do your yard work because he too is hard-working and honest, except for that breaking in part). If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my right to be there.


It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm hard-working and honest, um, except for well, you know.


And what a deal it is for me!! I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being an anti-housebreaker. Oh yeah, and I want you to learn my language so you can communicate with me."


Why can't people see how ridiculous this is? Only in America ....if you agree, pass it on (in English) . Share it if you see the value of it as a good smile. If not blow it off along with your future Social Security funds

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in The Logan City Cemetery, Logan,
Utah


FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't
lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to
be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each
other.

Steve and three of his buddies had gone fishing every Saturday for nearly forty years.One Saturday, the guys are fishing along a highway when a funeral procession drives by. As it passes by, Steve lays down his pole, stands up in the boat, takes off his lucky hat and places it over his heart. This processional is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass. Once it passes, Steve sits down, puts his hat on and casts out without saying a word. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions. One of them finally speaks up and says, "Wow Steve,that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by. " Steve replied, " It seems the least I could do seeing as how I was married to the woman for over 40 years!"


One for the ladys
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's
obiturary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word
and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She
thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two
dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he
thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no
charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete
died. Boat for sale

Dear Abby,


My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job seven years ago, he hasn't even looked for a
new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bull%$%$%$%$ with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that
I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed,

Clueless

*****************************************

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.

Sam Donaldson, I believe told this one to the then POTUS Ronals Regan before a press conference:

Mr. President, according to a recent study, 60% of all males sing in the shower and 40% masterbate..

Very interesting, Sam. Was the suspicious reply.

Sir, do you know what song that study says those men are singing?

No Sam , I don't.

I didn't think so , sir.

Two Southern Maryland rednecks were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer...

After a while the first guy says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off fishin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."

The Female Merit/Demerit System......

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get
any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the system
is set up.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed. (+1)

* You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)

* You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5) In the rain. (+8) But
return with Beer. (-5)

* You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)

* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)

* You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)

* It's her pet. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party. (0)

You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with a
college buddy. (-2)

Named Tina. (-10)

Tina is a dancer. (-20)

Tina has silicone implants. (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner. (+2)

You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)

Okay, it is a sports bar. (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie. (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)

You take her to a movie you like. (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.
(+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter; you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter
what]

You hesitate in responding. (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what

looks like a concerned expression. (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes. (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.
(+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Bill and his friend Ned walk into a fast food chain for lunch.
Bill orders and sits down, Ned orders and the counter guy says'"Hey Ned how you doing, then yells out , hey everybody Neds here" They all yell Hi Ned.
Ned sits down ,and Bill says, your a popular guy Ned. Ned says i'm the most popular guy in the world, everybody knows me.

Bill says i bet you $1000 you don't know the President of the United States. Ned says, your on and they fly to Washington and knock on the White House door. The President answers the door and says Hey Ned how you doing, haven't seen you in awhile. They go, play 3 rounds of golf and leave.

Bill says that was luck, bet you $2000 you don't know the Queen of England. Your on says Ned, and they fly to the Palace and knock on the door. The Queen answers and says, Ned it's so good to see you. They have tea with the Queen and leave.

Bill says you know alot of people, but double or nothing i bet you don't know the Pope. Ned says , your on, and off they go to the Vatican. Ned says, look Bill, go down in the yard and i will walk out on the balcony with my arm around the Pope. A crowd had gathered to see the Pope, and sure enough, Ned walks out with his arm around the Pope. Bill faints flat out on the ground.

Ned runs down, revives him and says Bill what happened?
Bill says ,well i was fine till the guy standing next to me tapped me on the shoulder and asked, "hey who's that guy with Ned?"

,

Ok - you have to try this one -
Take 60 seconds to do this, I guarantee you will show someone else,it's too
funny not to.

1. go to www.google.com
2. click on "maps," above the search bar...
3. click on "get directions"
4. type " New York" in the first box (the "from" box)
5. type " Paris" in the second box (the "to" box)
6. click on "get directions"
6. scroll down to step #23

:rotf2:

< Things Kids Shouldn't Say >


IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE YOU LAUGH, YOU NEED HELP!


A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit
complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly,
"Gee, she's fat!"


The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet. A
couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as
they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"


The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.The mother gave him
a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large
woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager begin to emit a
beep, beep, beep.


The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"

No joke here... just one funny dude..:rotfl:
http://www.striped-bass.com/Stripertalk/attachment.php?attachmentid=21346&d=1177205174

No joke here... just one funny dude..:rotfl:
http://www.striped-bass.com/Stripertalk/attachment.php?attachmentid=21346&d=1177205174


It says I need a password to access....But I laughed anyways so it wouldn't be wasted

What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers?
















Well hung.:rotflmao:

popular.

What's the difference between a lesbian and a whale???












20 lbs and a flannel shirt.

Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck.

Weeks later, in court, the tr#^&#^&#^&#^&#^&g company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel: "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."

"The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele".

Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other.
I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans.
Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes.

Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"

"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?:liquify:

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in our house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Fishing or sex?' She said, 'Wear sun-block.'"

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. And while
they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for
$5,000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he'd just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New York State. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living should she one day become the first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed “Yes” for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.
Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed more enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her “red sisters and brothers”.
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs on how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator. The chiefs explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird that is so full of %$%$%$%$ it can no longer fly!!!

(It made me smile. BW)

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and talk soon turns to their adventures. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg" he asks.
"I was swept overboard into a school of sharks, " the pirate replies. "As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit off me leg."
"Wow" replied the sailor. "What about your hook"?
"Argh, an enemy cut it off with a cutlass during a raid."
"Incredible! How'd you get the eye patch?"
"A Seagull %$%$%$%$ in my eye"!
"You lost your eye to bird %$%$%$%$?", replied the sailor.
"Yar, it was me first day with the hook!"

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: 'Why so glum?'

Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'

Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'

Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca...We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'

Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'

Satan: 'You a smoker?'

Guy: 'You better believe it!'

Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'

Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'

Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'

Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'

Guy: 'Cool!'

Satan: 'What about Drugs?'

Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?'

Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'

Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

Satan: 'You Gay ?'

Guy: 'No...'

Satan: 'Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough...

http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/isabella.asp

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

(And lastly)

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -- U.S.A. Ammo Troop

1) Nice bible.

2) I would like to pray with you.

3) You know Jesus? Me too.

4) God told me to come talk to you.

5) I know a church where we could go and talk.

6) How about a hug, sister?

7) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.

8) Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug.

9) Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11

10) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

11) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?

12) I am here for you.

13) The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry," how about dinner?

14) You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.

15) Do you want to come over and watch the Ten Commandments tonight?

16) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?

17) Would you happen to know a Christian woman (man) that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?

18) Nice bracelet. What would Jesus date? I mean "do."

19) Do you believe in Divine appointment?

20) Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?

21) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.

22) My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's his name.

23) You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian.

24) Yeah I predicted David over Goliath.

When I was young I used to pray for a bicycle.

Then I realized that God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, thinking, "Isn't that obvious?" "You're
in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.

> Chuck forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at
> him. Claudia told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
> driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
> The next morning, Chuck got up really early. When his wife woke up a couple
of
> hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small
> gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the
Claudia
> put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house.
She
> opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale. Chuck is not yet well enough
> to have visitors.

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length o f the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him,and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

.

.

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.

I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.

Never Ask a Gunny!!!

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated.

Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine and actually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide.

The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also.

The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise). The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses." The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears.

"And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked. The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no F%&%&%&% ears."

QUESTION:
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3 The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.







ANSWER





This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady because she is injured
and will die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old
friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect
chance to pay him back.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys
to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay
behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations. Never forget to "Think outside of the box."


HOWEVER,

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of
her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then
drive off with the old friend for a few beers!

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says,” I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says,"No, I am from Africa!!

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"



The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

Bungee Jumping in Mexico

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and asks, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...It was the crowd. "

she asks "What the hell is a piñata?!"

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband
was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach,
and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh,
stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
...............

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

L ifesavers

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first
> graders using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to say:
> Red......................Cherry
> Yellow..............Lemon
> Green...................Lime
> Orange...............Orange
> Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After
> eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
> "Well," she said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother
> may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror,
> spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh, my God!! They're ass-holes!"

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer, could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f**king Widow."

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
>After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
>She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to
>spend a fortune.
>
>"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's
>been trained to give blow jobs!"
>
>"Blow jobs!" the woman replied.
>
>"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.
>
>The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's
>true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.
>
>When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
>skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she
>may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
>
>In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and
>pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
>She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the
>frog reading cookbooks.
>
>"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
>
>
>The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

I recieved the following email

Subject: July, 1947

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses
claimed that an unidentified object with five
aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch
just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a
well-known incident that many say has long been covered up
by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.

However, what you may NOT know that in the month
of March 1948, exactly nine months after that
historic day, George W. Bush, #^&#^&#^&#^& Cheney, Donald
Rumsfield, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh,
Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quyale were all born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep.
This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.

A guy goes sky diving for the first time, learns everything there is to know and takes his first jump.
He bails out of the plane, waits a few moments and pulls his chute cord and it doesn't open!!!
He gets panicky and feverishly keeps pulling the cord.
As he is hurtling towards the ground he suddenly remembers his spare chute, pulls the cord and it doesn't open either!!!
He keeps pulling to no avail, looks down, and to his amazement sees a man flying up!

As they pass he yells to the guy," Do you know anything about skydiving???"

The guy yells back, "Nooo, do you know anything about gas stoves???"

A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really?! How do you know?" asked the teacher.

"You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjGlNsh_YWk

It has been awhile - time to resurrect?

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from just in time to notice a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On his arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. Because she was very attractive, he agreed.
Shortly afterward she said, "I'm about to have dinner--there's plenty. Would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied. "Only those who catch my eye." :rotflmao::yak6:

LOL, thanks Don, i needed that. :D

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been
diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth.
One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a
transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and
selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two
sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at
Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother
is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his
three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives
in Longview. She is a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look
forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be
totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hilary Clinton for
President?

Signed, Worried About My Reputation

There will be no nativity scene in the United States Congress, this year!


The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in the United States Capitol this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Welcome at Church?

Three couples--one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed--wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the priest."My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

A man drowned in a tub of milk with a banana in his ear. Authorities suspect a cereal killer.

A toilet was stolen from the precinct. Police have nothing to go on.

Someone broke a hole in the nudist colonys fence. Police are looking into it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bfgn2lOSx6M

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage, in front of a huge crowd.

'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in this crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.



The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, Considers what he should do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me……."

So the Pope slapped her upside the head.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old walnut tree inside the cemetery fence.

One day two boys, filled up a bucket of nuts and sat by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you" one for me".One for you one for me" said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding by on his bike. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate.. Sure enough he heard, "One for you, One for me, One for you One for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped on his bike and rode off.

Just around the corner he met an old man with a cane.
"Come here quick," said the boy, you won't believe what i heard!

"Satan and the Lord are down in the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "beat it kid can't you see i can hardly walk!"

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard,"one for you One for me. One for you one for me...."

The old man whispered, "Boy you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard,"One for you One for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to Town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of
this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the
People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up
to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his
father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I
think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you
think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working
Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep %$%$%$%$.

To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2007, it did NOTHING AT all. For 2008, could you please send either money, plugs or honey hole locations:btu:.
(copied and changed to fit this board)

A man owned a small ranch in New Mexico. The State of New Mexico
claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to
interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded
the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with
me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook
has been here for 18 months and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and
board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and
does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week,
pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday
night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," said the agent

"That would be me," replied the rancher.

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
> There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
> "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
> The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
>
>
> The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
> She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
> The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
> The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
>
> When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
> The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
>
> Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
> The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith"

> A ONE Question Test
>
>
> This test only has one question, but it's a
> very
> important one. By giving
> an honest answer, you will discover where you
> stand morally. The test features
> an unlikely, completely fictional situation in
> which you will have to make
> a decision. Remember your answer needs to be
> honest, yet spontaneous.
>
>
>
>
> THE SITUATION:
> You are in Miami, Florida. There is chaos all
> around you caused by a
> hurricane with severe flooding. Th is is a
> flood
> of biblical proportions.
> You are photo-journalist working for a major
> newspaper, caught in the
> middle of this epic disaster. The situation is
> nearly hopeless. You're trying to
> shoot career-making photos. There are houses
> and
> people swirling around you, some disappearing
> under the water.
>
> ----------------------------------------------
> THE TEST
> Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is
> fighting for her life, trying
> not to be taken down with the debris. You move
> closer and she looks familiar.
> You suddenly realize it's Hillary Clinton! At
> the
> same time you notice that
> the raging waters are about to take her under
> forever. You have two
> options:
> You can save the life of Hillary Clinton or you
> can shoot a dramatic
> Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the
> death of one of the world's
> most powerful women.
>
> ----------------------------------------------
> THE QUESTION:
> Here's the question, and please give an honest
> answer......
>
>
>
> "Would you select high contrast color film, or
> would you go with the classic simplicity of
> black
> and white?"

Oh my gosh, Lu, computer fell right off my lap. :rotf2: :rotf3: :rotf2:

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all
things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice' he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl.
'Oh yes' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?' I was walking in through
the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the
ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the
significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

'Feathers show number of sexual partners,' the chief replied.

Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, 'Him? One woman, one
feather. Him?' pointing to a second, older man, 'Three women, three
feathers.'

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. 'But you have so many feathers!'

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. 'Me Chief. Sleep with all women.
Big, small, fat, tall.'

Horrified, the female reporter said, 'You ought to be hung!'

The Chief said, 'Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake.'

The offended reporter said, 'You don't have to be hostile!'

The Chief replied, 'Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!'

The reporter cried, 'Oh, dear!'

'No deer', said the Chief. ' A$$ too high, run too fast!'

Thats was a good one ITH.

Ever notice the roman numbers for 40 = "XL"

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks him for his order.


The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke."The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.. "The usual?" asks the
waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked
potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket
every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amou nt of money would always be
there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into
all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing
3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User (KEEP READING )


____________ _________ _________ ________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It
is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony -Child
Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE becau se
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be
very high maintenance.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause
the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only
way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were
both married to other people, found themselves
assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing
a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep
quickly..... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the
woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but
would you be willing to reach into the closet to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied . "Just for
tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own #@*** blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End

New Salesman

A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "One".
The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101, 237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "

90-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The
doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 90-year-old said "Things are
great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is
pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have
an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a
season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a
hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As
he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the
water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane,
aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went
bang, bang.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now,
what do yo u think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 90-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

Touching Story of Love and Marriage

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort
forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at
the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.

She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00."

She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there
is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."

Funny stuff eastendlu :)

Three Southern Boys
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup,his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.' The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm. Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over. 'The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba. 'The mortician asked, 'How can you tell? ''Well, Bubba had two a$$holes. ''What? He had two a$$holes?' asked the mortician. 'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two a$$holes.'

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden this year.

The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

An Irishman goes to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I had relations with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after , another Irishman enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had relations with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon,

A tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous redhead woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.............................."

A man who just died is delivered to a mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and
that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellentjob and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, Bubba returns her blankcheck.

'Dere's no cha rge,' he says.

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am, Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a'thing'.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was broughtin shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive bluesuit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So, I just switched the heads.'

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in a Fort Pierce, school district. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and
also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from j im today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days Yesterday he fell out of a
tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in
the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very
close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea
direathe the %$%$%$%$s.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his
boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to g o Christmas shopping because i don't
know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the
sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was
sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not
breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat,
headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her
brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either,
sore throat and fever There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.
I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show
him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination
man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him Down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
"This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me lady,
'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess
it's to hang your pants on."

("Chalk up one for the Blonde!" . . It's nice to see a blonde winning one once in awhile.)

A guy is out jogging when he sees a tennis ball in the gutter. He picks it up and puts it in his pocket, and keeps on going.
A while later he comes across another tennis ball. He puts that in his other pocket. He resumes his jog and meets up with a friend also out for the exercise ,
and they carry on together.
After a while his friend says "What are those lumps in your shorts?
" tennis balls" he replies.
"Wow!" says his friend, "I've had tennis elbow, and that was bad enough..."

The Hair Cut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business and Becoming More Successful".
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free hair cut.

And that, folks, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

Subject: WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

I've waited 9 minutes for the letter "S" to appear in my non scrolling hand.

Did I miss part of the directions??????

A Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips
and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a
two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a
year."

The guy, wide-eyed , said, "You're bull%$%$%$%$tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . . you started it.

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.' 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.' 'Well,' said the pirate, 'We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

The bartender replied, 'Well, OK,, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?' The pirate explained, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got> into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

'What about t hat eye patch?' 'Oh,' said the pirate, 'One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew> over. I looked up, and one of them %$%$%$%$ in my eye.' 'You're kidding,' said the bartender. 'You couldn't lose an eye just from bird %$%$%$%$.' 'It was my first day with the hook.'

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'Hey, no problem, I'll do the fn' dishes!'

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At thebeginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took adrink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s--t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body”, he did not say, “Eat me.”

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, “Mary with the Cherry”.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God”. and finally…

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

I'm not going soft, but sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, and this one truly is amazing.





In 1986, Dan Harrison ( see picture above ) was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.


Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan , lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, looked to see if any guards were around and then climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosu re. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

SCHOOL -- 1958 vs. 2008

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1958 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2008 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1958 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2008 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1958 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2008 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1958 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1958 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2008 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1958 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane pain t bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1958 - Ants die.
2008 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain were flying to a debate.



Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."



Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."



John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."



Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."





I'm voting for the Pilot

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. 'What is wrong with you?' he demanded. 'This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: 'Does she still have the hiccups?'

A Jewish congregation in suburban Massapequa Park honors its Rabbi for 25
years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on
the bed.

She greets the Rabbi with, 'Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra
that the President of the Temple arranged for you.'

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of
the Temple and shouts, 'Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your
respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry
with you and you have not heard the end of this.'

At Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi
turns to her and asks, 'Where are you going? I'm not angry with you.'

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting over lunch and conversation turns to their relationships. They decided that night to surprise their men. All three would wear a black leather bra and thong, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

A few days later they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex for hours.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He walked in the door, looked at me and said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

Mary Ellen....now thats funny!:jester:

One day, while going to the store, I passed by an assisted living facility.

On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a touch unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same assisted living facility with the
same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity and perhaps a bit of
concern got the best of me, so I went inside to talk to the
Assisted Living Facility Administrator.

'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes. They're having a yard
sale.'

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long..

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands.

"Vere dit yew git dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a Genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure. It 's right here in my tackle box," says Ole.

"Could I see him?"

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master.

Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole.

"Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

How do they spell "Farm" in Polish?

EIEIO

Nauset south is closed at least till friday for "our" protection:jump:

Not funny, Bob.

is the JOKE of the day...

first i flip the engine cover up
and what do i see...

a mouse running from underneath the
flywheel cover...and then discover a nest
under the engine cover

i clean all that out charge the battery
add some oil and off i go merrilly
to cut my very tall lawn

i finish the front where the
walk behind mower quit
on me

made two passes out back and then i heard a HUGE
clunk.... something inside the motor broke
and it won't turn over any more.........................................

it's DEAD as a doornail ....ahhh ha ha ha what a JOKE :rotflmao:

NEVER LIE TO A WOMAN!


A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that
Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for
a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office
& I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my
new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is,
did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking
good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But
why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"


You'll love the answer...


.The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."

that was excellent....:lurk:

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'

The woman did as she was told.

'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.


Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease.

Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'


Worried the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'



Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

even fish wee wee would love that one .......... Hilarious :kewl:

Home lie detector
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'W e went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Guts vs. Balls

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

*A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. When the
> plane took off and settled into its climb, the stranger turned to the
> little girl and said 'I've always found that flights go quicker if you
> strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'**
>
> **The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
> said to the stranger, 'OK. What would you like to talk about?'**
>
> **Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?'**
>
> **'Yes,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
> you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass -- the
> same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
> flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
> suppose that is?'**
>
> **The stranger thought for a few moments, then said: 'You know, I've
> never thought about that. I have no idea.'**
>
> **The little girl began to open her book again, saying: 'Do you really
> feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh_t.*

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they Were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and Son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were Amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two Shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back Together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?' The father (never having seen
An elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything Like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, A fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls And pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled Between them into a small room. The walls closed and the Boy and his father watched the small circular number above The walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and Then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the Walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old Blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly To his son

'Boy................. ..go git cha Momma..............

THE HAIRCUT





A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed
haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk
to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down
the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your
purposes."

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted
$15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine
started to buzz and trim.

Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head and surveyed his
reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures
$20." "Why not?" he thought.

He paid the money, inserted his hands in the slot, and the machine
started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later He pulled his hands
out and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, Machine provides a service men
need when away from Their Wives, 50 cents.

He looked both ways, put 50 cents in the machine, unzipped his fly and
with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the
machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost
passed out.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member....which now
had a button neatly sewn on the end.

Officer, this is how the fight started...


I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.

So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the
car I hit gets out of his car. . and you know how you
just-get-sooo-stressed... and life...
sometimes life seems like... suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and

I get out of my car.

He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me
he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said, 'Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?'

. . . . and that's when the fight started...

Learn chinnese.

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,
and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the
puzzle spread all over the table.

He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said, Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then.......




he sighed, "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

I have 10 free tickets for the Robbie Knievel event at the fairgrounds next weekend if anybody wants them.

He's going to try to jump over 500 Obama supporters with a bull dozer:shocked:

Why Worry?

If you get sick your either going to get well or get worse.

If you get well, why worry?

If you get worse your either going to live or die.

If you live, why worry?

If you die your either going to heaven or hell.

If you go to heaven, why worry?

If you go to hell,
you'll be so busy saying hello to your old friends you won't have time to worry. :D

Well since Crash is getting married....
What's the difference between married men and single men???



A single man comes home, looks in the fridge then gets into bed, a married man comes home looks in the bed, then goes to the fridge

oh yeah....

Be Careful - A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot Customer
customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out

shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite

traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to

you or your friends.


Here's how the scam works: Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come

over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both

start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts

almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to

look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and

instead

ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat.


On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs

over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other

one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,

20th & 24th. Also July 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th,

three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.


So tell your friends to be careful.



P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale 2.99 each.

:claps::claps::claps:
Gone fishin, I had to control myself to keep from howling out loud at work. That's a good one!

:huh:

THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK





FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband
didn't say a word...
he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men’s balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter
asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be

punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with
my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No'.
I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the

weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they
were laughing so hard!

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.

Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.

We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.


Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.



Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a
> break in their soon-to-be new store.
>
> As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
> shelves set up.
>
> One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some
> idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the
> window, and ask what we're selling.'
>
> No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure
> enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a
> peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked, 'What might
> ye be sellin' here?'
>
> One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're
> selling a**-holes.'
>
>
> Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said,
> 'You're doin' well ... only two left!'

Time for unity...
There are less than four months until the election that will decide the next President of the United States. Let's show our solidarity as Americans, let everyone know you are voting....

Be proud show your fellow Americans your choice.

If you support John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day.


If you support Obama, please drive with your headlights off at night.

Thank you for your participation in this patriotic endeavor

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour and 'dumb blonde' jokes when a well-dressed blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts:

'I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, you jerk!
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What
connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their
fundamental worth as a human being?' 'It's morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your Neanderthal brethren continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs.' 'You are a pathetic, misogynistic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot.'

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde
yells:

'You stay out of this mister!
I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee.'

Mike and Bob had just finished the first nine holes in their round of golf, and it was obvious that Mike was having an awful day.

"Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today. What's the matter?" asked Bob.

Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Connie's dead."

"My God! That's terrible," said Bob, "but you said you only THINK your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?"

"Well, I just don't know" responded Mike, "the sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up."

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up
at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different
barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were even afraid to start a
conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who
had Obama in his chair reached for the after shave.
Obama was quick to stop him, saying: 'No thanks,
my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've
been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to McCain and said:
'How about you?' McCain replied: "Go ahead.
My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse
smells like."