President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman?

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

OK - so it's a bad joke, but I don't write 'em...

THIS SIGN WAS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

> -TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You sell one and buy a bull.
> > > Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and
> > > retire on the income.
> > >
> > > ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
> > > letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
> execute
> > > a
> > > debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
> > > four
> > > cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
> > > The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
> > > intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the
majority
> > > shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed
> > > company.
> > > The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option
> > > on one more.
> > > Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
> > > you with nine cows.
> > > No balance sheet provided with the release.
> > > The public buys your bull.
> > >
> > > AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
> > > You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
> > >
> > > A CANADIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > Your dairy operation is productive, and you sell 80% of the milk
> > > to the US market.
> > > The American government decides that you are taking advantage of
> > > federal subsidies to dump milk on the market below cost, and slaps
you
> > > with
> > > 25% "countervailing" duties, to protect the interests of the
> > > above-mentioned
> > > American Corporation.
> > > Angered and enraged in typical polite Canadian fashion, you cheer
> > > on the Canadian hockey team to pound the USA team 5-2 and win Olympic
> > > gold.
> > > You let out a cheer, wave the Maple Leaf a bit, then apologize for
> > > the outburst and get back to milking your cows
> > >
> > > A FRENCH CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You go on strike because you want three cows.
> > >
> > > A JAPANESE CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
> > > cow and produce twenty times the milk.
> > > You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
> > > market them Worldwide.
> > >
> > > A GERMAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
> > > and milk themselves.
> > >
> > > A BRITISH CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > Both are mad.
> > >
> > > AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
> > > You break for lunch.
> > >
> > > A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You count them and learn you have five cows.
> > > You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> > > You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
> > > You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
> > >
> > > A SWISS CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
> > > You charge others for storing them.
> > >
> > > A HINDU CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You worship them.
> > >
> > > A CHINESE CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You have 300 people milking them.
> > > You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest
> > > the newsman who reported the numbers.
> > >
> > > AN ISRAELI CORPORATION
> > >
> > > So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
> > > They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the
> > > movie rights.
> > > They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.
> > > So, who needs people?
> > >
> > > AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > That one on the left is kinda cute...
> > >

...........Why did Piglet stare into the toilet?










.........- To look for "Pooh".

thanks for the chuckle, needed it this morning :p

bloo, that is too friggin funny! just had to say that.

Jay and his blonde wife live in Chicago. One winter
morning while listening to the radio, they hear the
announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of
snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered
side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Jay's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side
of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the
radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches
of snow today. You must park...", then the electric
power goes out.
Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage
this time?"

DEAR EMPLOYEE LETTER

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW. SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (#^&#^&#^&#^&). We take pride in the amount of #^&#^&#^&#^& our employees receive. We have given our employees more #^&#^&#^&#^& than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough #^&#^&#^&#^& on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the #^&#^&#^&#^& you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

SCROLL DOWN SLOWLY
>
>
>
>
>
>This is good...
>
>
>
>
> > Think of a letter between A and W.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
> >
> > Keep going . . . Don't stop . .
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Think of an animal that begins with that letter.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Think of a man's/woman's name that begins
> > with the last letter in the animals name.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Almost there........
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Now count out the letters in that name on the
> > fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Take the hand you counted with and hold it
> > out in front of you at face level.
> >
> > Look at your palm very closely and notice the
> > lines in your hand.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Do the lines take the form of the first letter in
> > the persons name?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Of course not.......
> >
> > Now smack yourself in the head, get a life,
> > and quit playing e-mail games!

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.#^& Every night Howard
goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life.

One evening Annabel, aged 87 wanders into the garden.#^& They begin
to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.#^& After a
short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks "Do
you want to know what I miss most of all?"

She asks "What?" and he replies "SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims "Why you old buzzard, you couldn't get it up if I held
a gun to your head."

"I know" Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for
awhile."

"Well I can oblige," says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.#^& Afterwards they agree
to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk
and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.

Then one night Howard didn't show up at their meeting place.#^& Alarmed,
Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was OK.#^& She
walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by
the pool with another female resident who was holding his manhood.

Furious, Annabel yelled "You two-timing creep! What does she have
that I don't have?"

Howard smiled and replied, "Parkinson's."

Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

The difference between a fairy tale and a fish story is a fairy tail begins, "Once upon a time..." and a fish story begins, " This ain't no bullsh..."

Originally posted by Striper on the Brain


The difference between a fairy tale and a fish story is a fairy tail begins, "Once upon a time..." and a fish story begins, " This ain't no bullsh..." [/B]

;)......Funny.........:)

What movie was that from?


Fishsmith - that one is on the borderline ;) - remember "Family Friendly" site ;)

liked that one john...smack yourself in the head....lol



Children's Property Laws:

1. If I like it, it's mine
2. If It's in my hand, it's mine
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If It's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If It's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
10. If I... wait a sec... this isn't the Children's Property Laws, it's Microsoft's Business Plan.

You got it John, Don't hesitate to delete it if you want. The only waves I want to make are with my boat.

Signs of the 00's


1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You email your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you
haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with certain friends is that they do
not have email addresses.
7. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
8. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
business manner.
9. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial a "9" to get
an outside line.
10. You've sat at the same desk for four years -- and worked for three
different companies.
11. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
12. You have your resume on a diskette.
13. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lost all of your best
jokes.
14. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
15. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
16. Board members' salaries are higher than all the Third World countries'
annual budgets combined.
17. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
18. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
19. You see a good looking person and you know it must be a visitor.
20. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
21. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
22. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff members your
department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management
consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
23. Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.
24. Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because
someone you didn't even know worked there is leaving.
25. Your relatives and family members describe your job as "works with
computers."
26. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on
your desktop.
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE:
27. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
28. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends
you send jokes to" email group.
29. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except
to send you jokes from the net.

a quick riddle???..



Mr. Robinson and his son were driving down the road one day when they were in a terrible car wreck. Mr. Robinson died on impact and they rushed his son Mark to the Emergency Room. When they arrived the doctor came in and said, "I cannot operate on him. He is my son!" How is this possible?

ok......heres the answer........






















the doctor was his mother!!!!!!.....:D:D:D

Mom.....
Damn....you posted that 3 seconds before I did...........

Steve, what about some weird facts....


1: The word "racecar", "kayak", and "radar" are the same
whether they are read left to right or right to left.


2: "a man a plan a canal panama"

spelled backwards is still

"a man a plan a canal panama"



3: A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.


4: A snail can sleep for three years.


5: Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.


6: Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

7: If the population of China walked past you in single file, the
line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

8: No word in the English language rhymes with "month".

9: Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

10: "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

11: The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

12: The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

13: All polar bears are left handed.

14: TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the
letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Ummm....bored Bloo? I think you and I are about the only people doing this right now....;)............LOL

Where's that 70 degree Tuesday?............

what???.......did I hear you right??.....you want more weird facts??....


ok.....:D


Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!


In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs


Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!


Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel,"Gadsby", which contains over 50,000 words - none of them with the letter E!

The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head!


The opposite sides of a dice cube always add up to seven!


The poison-arrow frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people!

A jellyfish is 95 percent water!

More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world!

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!


....that last one is really hard to believe...I'll have to try it next time...:D

the West Wall should be lighting up about now.....Steve

....if I didn't have a dang stag and shower in an hour....I'd be there already


:af: :af: :af:

Don't Fret...it's pretty cold out....winds turning SW mid day tomorrow....Monday 60's, Tuesday 70+?

Speaking of praying mantis, we caught 2 in our backyard garden last year. so my wife puts them in a fish tank to see what happens. Turns out they were male and female. They end up mating 2 days later and right after there done the female starts chasing the male all around the cage. This guy is running for his life(literally). After about 40 laps around the cage she catches him. After she wrestles him down SHE STARTS TO EAT HIM. She ate every last piece of that poor sap. There happened to be a bunch of my wifes freinds there that day and they were all high five'n and hootin and hollerin'. I wanted to take that little @#$%@ outside for some justice! But after some research it turns out they need the nutrients from the males body for reproduction! I am scarred for life.

Scotch - looks like the remale Prayin' Mantis practices Catch & eat too....

To Pun Is Fun


1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you
A-flat minor.
.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.
.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought
she'd dye.
.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG
2002: EKG

1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to Californiabecause it's cool
2002: Moving to Californiabecause it's warm

1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage

1972: Popping pills, smoking joints
2002: Popping joints

1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office

1972: Down with the system
2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco
2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Taking acid
2002: Taking antacid

1972: Passing the drivers' test
2002: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever
2002: Depends

Good one Red....

Subject: Sign


Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say,"I'm Stupid", That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.

It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind didn't see your sign".

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey, you moving? " "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today? The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.

Jesus's Ethnicity ~


There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.


Amen
:cool: :D

Subject: YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... (long version)


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF.......

You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and five cars that aren't.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the
state trooper to kiss her ass.
Your grandma falls over in the back of your pickup while your making a turn
because the folding chair wasn't secured to the truck bed.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship
came in."
You read the "Auto Trader" with a highlight pen.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor
to spare a loved one.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her
language.
Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with
the kids."
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your
car.
The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea-and-tick soap.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You have every episode of "Hee-Haw" on tape.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You're considered an expert on worm beds.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "show and tell."
The dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You've ever bought a used cap.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You picked your false teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You go to a stock-car race and don't need a program.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
Your pocketknife often doubles as a toothpick.
You own a denim leisure suit.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
Your family tree does not branch.
You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in
the car.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have a Hefty bag for a passenger-side window.
You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge- clearance
restrictions.
You've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of a message that begins,
"For a good time call..."
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.
After the prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer
bottles.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
All of your four-letter words have two syllables.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You have grease under your toenails.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
Your father walks you to school because you and he are in the same grade.
Your house has wheels and your car doesn't.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
Your wife's hairdo has been caught in the ceiling fan at least once.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
You own a three-pound belt buckle.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You have more than two relatives named Bubba or Junior.
You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet
paper.

> A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a
> quarter.
> Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad
> realizes
> the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for
> help.
> A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business
> suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and
> sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
> puts
> her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places
> it
> on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way
> unhurried,
> across the market.
> Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles
> and
> starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a
> few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which
> the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman
> hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee
> bar without
> saying a word.
> As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects
> the
> father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
> never
> seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a
> doctor?"
>
> "No," she says. "Divorce attorney."
>

My brother-in-law married a divorce attorney. He's now HALF the man he used to be.

Adam and Eve

After spending time with Eve,
Adam was walking in the Garden with God.
Adam told God how much the woman meant to him
and how blessed he was to have her.





Adam began to ask questions about her.


Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful.
Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft.
Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good.
Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord,
and I don't want to seem ungrateful,
but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.

Proof that Vodka is good for your brain:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface#^&including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.

When confronted with the same problem, the Russians used a pencil.

I'm no golfer but I thought this was good....


One day this guy was out playing a round of golf with his wife.
He was not having a very good day. On the third hole he tees
off, the ball slices way to the right, bounces off a tree and
lands in the rough behind a barn.

As he is standing there scratching his head, trying to think of
what to do, his wife says "I have an idea! Why not open the
doors on both sides of the barn; that way you can hit the ball
straight through the barn and you'll be back on the fairway
without having to take a penalty stroke."

Sounds like a good idea.

So he opens the barn doors, lines up and swings at the ball.
The ball flies up, richochets off the rafters of the barn, hits
his wife in the head and kills her.

Ten years later he is out playing golf again, this time with his
new wife, and he does the same thing; bounces the ball off a
tree and into the rough behind the same barn.

His new wife says "Why don't you open the barn doors and hit the
ball right through?"

"Nah," said the golfer, "last time I tried that something
terrible happened."

"What was that?" said the wife.

"I shot a double bogey."

>A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem
>and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam
>the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis
>were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he
>could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that
>might be applicable, if he were willing to take the risk.
>
>The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's
>trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The
>thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was
>just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would
>be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to
>go for it.
>
>A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use
>his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic
>evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest
>restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a
>stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being
>extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and
>immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the
>table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants. His girlfriend was
>stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said:
>
>"That was incredible. Can you do that again?"
>
>With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure
>if I can fit another roll up my ass."
>

Subject: Date rape drug for men




Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any
woman. A new date rape drug on the market, called "beer," is used by
females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form, and is now available almost
anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars
to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units
of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men
are rendered helpless against this approach. After several"beers" men
will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking
women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of
exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague
feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate
men are swindled out of their life's
savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." Apparently men
are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is
administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory
women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in
ever town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter
in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the
yellow pages.

From the Maine Department Of Tourism

Maine seems to be on everyone's vacation wish list. Hence the slogan on
Maine license plates, "Vacationland." This list of rules will be handed to
each person entering the state. Vehicles with New Jersey, New York and
Connecticut plates will receive two copies:

1. That slope shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work
before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slowly you drive, you're
going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four wheel drive because I need it.
Now drive or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah,
we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your
butt kicked...by our women.

5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to
your ear at the time!

7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it
rare. Order a two pound lobster and steamers. Or, you can order the Chef's
Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

8. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar
and a long spoon.

9. If you bring "Coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over ice.

10. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We
have quarter-million dollar skidders to pull logs out of the woods.

11. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when
it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So,
you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

13. Yeah, we eat lobster, scallops, clams and haddock too. If you really
want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop.

14. They are pigs and they are cows. That's what they smell like. Get
used to it. Don't like it? Interstate 95 & the Maine Turnpike go two
ways....get in the Southbound Lane!

15. "Opening day" refers to the first days of fishin' and deer season.
They are religious holidays. You can go get breakfast at the church.

16. So what if every person in every pickup waves? It's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?

17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks
the fish.

18. Chowder is supposed to be white. Don't even think of asking for red
chowder until you are somewhere safely south of White Plains, NY.


Welcome to Maine - The Way Life Should Be

A blonde woman was driving down the road when she saw another blonde in the middle of a corn field in a row boat rowing for all she was worth,so she slammed on the breaks and got out of her car. She yelled to the blonde in the boat saying" its stupid blondes like you who give the rest of us a bad name!!!!!!!! and if i could swim i'd come out there and kick your ass".........................:)

How are blondes and turtles alike.........

If they get flipped over on their backs they're scr
ewed.........


(2) A blonde goes into a department store, walks up to a clerk and asks to see about the colored t.v. on the display case. The clerk looks at her and syas " lady we don't serve blondes here." Enraged the woman goes home, dyes her hair brown and goes back to the store. She goes to the same clerk and demands to see the colored t.v. . The clerk looks at her and says"Lady I told you before we don't serve blondes here."

Now the woman is really ticked off and says to the clerk,"Look at me I'm not Blonde!", the clerk assures her that she is blonde and only dyed hewr hair. The blonde says,"How did you know I was a blonde?" The clerk responds,"well, first off that's a microwave oven..........

Two blondes were walking in the woods when they came across some tracks. The first blonde says "wow look at the deer tracks."
the second blonde says "those arent deer tracks there moose tracks"..........they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Why dont blondes make cool aid? ..............they cant fit 2 and a half quarts of water in that little packet.
:smash: :smash: :smash:

A guy was stopped by a game-warden in Central
Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving
a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the guy, "Do you have
a license to catch those fish?"

The guy replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These
are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the
lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle
and they jump back into their buckets, and I take
them home."

"That's a bunch of baloney! Fish can't do that!"

The guy looked at the game warden for a moment,
and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

The game warden was curious now. "O.K. I've GOT
to see this!"

The guy poured the fish in to the river and stood by
and waited. After several minutes, the game warden
turned to the guy and said,"Well?"

"Well, What?" the guy responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game
warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The guy asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" The guy asked....

A blonde approaches a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank, So she yells to her "HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE?"
To which the second blonde replies, "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE"
:smash:

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and
the man was reading the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, "Here
is a great sale on tires!"

His wife replied, "What do you want tires for? You don't have a car."

He says, "I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra, do I?":laughs: :cool:

Just when you thought you knew everything...

* Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

* Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

* The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

* No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

* Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

* You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

* Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

* The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

* The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

* A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

* American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

* Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

* Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

* The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

* Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

* The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

* Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

* Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

* All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

* Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

* Pearls melt in vinegar.

* Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

* The three most valuable brand names! on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

* It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

* A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

* The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

* Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton

And, the best for last.....

* Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, " What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, ''Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The
greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Four

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to
work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "X" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is" The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it, $49,999.

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, " No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Seven

Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Comprehending Engineers- Lesson Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Lesson nine:

An engineer was fishing on the beach. A guy came by in a hot air balloon, obviously having trouble. The fishing engineer shouted up to him "What's the problem?"

The guy shouts back "My compass is broken...I'm lost....do you have any idea where I am?"

The engineer shouts back, "Yes you are at 53 degrees north lattitude and 78 degrees west longitude!"

The man shouts back "You must be an engineer!"

"Why is that?", the fisherman asks.

"Because I ask you a question to help me out, and you give me an answer that doesn't help me at all! If it wasn't for guys like you, I wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place."

The fisherman yelled back "And you must be a manager.....you get yourself in trouble, come to me to bail you out, and when I do, you then blame me for your problem!"

Three Blondes Fishing
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with
the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the
shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing
licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if your going to fish,
you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied
the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our
lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were
horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law
against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with
that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started
laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the
other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!":D

> A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a
> rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it..
> Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and
> said, "Well that's great, just great.....some arsewhol's got my pen."
>
:eek: :eek:

Q: Why can a head never be 12" long?
.
.
.
A: Cause then it would be a foot.


Q: What do the pony say when he coughed?
.
.
.
.
A: Sorry, I'm a little hoarse (horse).


My kids love these two....

Q: Why can a head never be 12" long?
.
.
.
A: Cause then it would be a foot.


Q: What did the pony say when he coughed?
.
.
.
.
A: Sorry, I'm a little hoarse (horse).


My kids love these two....

Where do cows go on dates?.................To the mooooooovies. Alright, alright its funny when he says it. Then he's got this whole schpeel of Knock-Knock jokes that make absolutely no sense, but make him pi$$ his pants every time he tells them. Man I wish I was 4 again..........

These two fishermen were standing on a bridge bottom fishing for stripers, when one of them gets a solid take. The fisherman sets the hook and imediately he knows its a big fish. As the man is fighting this large bass he notices a funeral procession coming tword the bridge. As the cars get closer he reaches for his knife, cuts the line, puts down his pole, and places his hand on his heart. The other fisherman is amazed and says ''thats the most beautiful and touching thing I have ever witnessed". The first fisherman replies "well, I was married to her for 35 years".

TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH:


1.) Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us whining about you leaving it down.

2.) ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

3.) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

4.) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

5.) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

6.) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

7.) Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, or the shotgun formation.

8.) Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9.) Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

10.) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

11.) You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

12.) Crying is blackmail.

13.) Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just SAY it!

14.) No, we don't know what day it is. We never will mark Anniversaries on the calendar.

15.) Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

16.) Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

17.) Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

18.) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

19.) Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

20.) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

21.) Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.

22.) Check your oil.

23.) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

24.) No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

25.) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

26.) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

27.) Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

28.) You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.

29.) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

30.) If it itches, it will be scratched.

31.) Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

32.) If we ask what's wrong and you say "Nothing"; we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping out!

Subject: New viruses



Beware of:

THE GEORGE W BUSH Virus ... (Causes your computer to think it won the election even though the motherboard and fatherboard bought it.)

THE AL GORE Virus ... (Causes your computer to just keep counting.)

THE CLINTON Virus ... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.)

THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus ... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.)

THE LEWINSKY virus ... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails your best friends about what it did.)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus ... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.)

THE JESSE JACKSON virus ... (Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background and rhyming it all.)

THE MIKE TYSON virus ... (Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus ... (Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200.)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus ... (Deletes all old files.)

THE PROZAC virus ... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus ... (Only attacks minor files.)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus ... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

and last, but not least ...

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus ... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.)

A nun walked into the corner liquor store and asked the
proprietor for a fifth of whiskey.

"Sister, now how would it look for a respectable fellow
like me to sell alcohol to a nun?" was the reply.

The woman leaned over the counter and whispered
conspiratorially, "It's really for the Mother Superior's
constipation."

The store owner thought it over and decided to sell it to
her since it was for medicinal purposes, but only on condition
that she hide it in a paper bag and not tell anyone.

An hour later the store owner closed up and walked outside,
only to immediately come across the nun on a park bench, roaring
drunk.

"Sister," he said angrily, "you know I only sold you that
whiskey because it was to ease Mother Superior's constipation."

"It ish," slurred the nun. "When she sees me, she'll
sh*t."

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find
out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle
of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened
to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately
starts screaming; "How could you have let this happen? With
all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How
could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks
pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have
you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely
audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

Originally posted by redcrbbr
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find
out that she's pregnant.

hahaha... great joke...



>THE BEST DRINKING STORY EVER
>
>
>
> >From the State where drinking and driving is considered a sport,
>
>comes a True story from TEXAS.
>
>
>
>Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar.
>
>Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
>
>Intoxicated that he could barely walk.
>
>
>
>The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer
quietly observing.
>
>
>
>After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
>
>vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into.
>
>
>
>He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off.
>
>
>
>Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off
>
>(it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off,
>
>tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
>
>
>
>He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
>
>reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as
more patrons left in their vehicles.
>
>
>
>At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down
>
>the street.
>
>
>
>The police officer, having patiently waited all this time,
>
>now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
>
>promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.
>
>
>
>To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having
consumed alcohol at all.
>
>
>
>Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
>
>Police station, this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
>
>
>
>"I doubt it," said the man, " Tonight I'm the designated decoy....".
>
>
>

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed the couple was from Alabama.
This doctor told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned
> physicians couldn't be wrong the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 .. . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs,
> and resumed counting on his other hand....
>
> Also works in Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas and Kentucky.
>

Signs Your Amish Teen's In Trouble


10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to disco!."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

Hillbilly Medical Terms

Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.................What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section.......A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan................Searching for the cat.
Cauterize..........Made eye contact with her.
Colic...............A sheep dog.
Coma...............A punctuation mark.
D&C................Where Washington is.
Dilate.............To live longer than your kids do.
Enema.............Not a friend.
Fester............Quicker than someone else.
Fibula............A small lie.
G.I.Series.........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail...........What you hang your coat on.
Impotent...........Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..........Getting hurt at work.
Morbid..............A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates............Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff.......A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node....................I knew it.
Outpatient..............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis...................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative...........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room....Place to do upholstery.
Secretion.......Hiding something
Tablet..........A small table to change babies on.
Seizure..........Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.
Terminal Illness....Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor...............More than one.
Urine...............Opposite of mine.
Varicose............Near by
Hospital............The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.

Originally posted by John R
Signs Your Amish Teen's In Trouble

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

LOL.. the visual on that one is great.....


Man walks into a bar and orders two shots, drinks one and pours
the other one on his right hand. The bartender thinks this is
odd but says nothing. The man orders two more shots, drinks one and pours the other one on his right hand. The bartender thinks this is really strange but says nothing. The man orders a third round. Before he can go through his ritual the bartender says "Hey Buddy, you can do what you want with the booze if you pay for it but you gotta tell me why you keep doing that.". And the man says "It's obvious, I'm trying to get my date drunk.".

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following
conversation
took place:
>FIRST GUY: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to
come out
fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every
room in the house next weekend."
SECOND GUY: "That is nothing. I had to promise my wife that I
will build her a new deck for the pool."
THIRD GUY: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I would remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
FOURTH GUY: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater!" :laughs:

A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to the girl at checkout #3. He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?"
She says "Sure. What size are you?"
"I don't know" he replies.
"Well, just let me check" the cashier says. She unzips his pants,
takes a feel, and then she says over the intercom,

"EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."
> >
They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
then, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"
The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?"
He says "Well, I don't know."
She says "Just let me check here." She unzips his pants, takes a
couple of tugs and then says over the intercom,

"LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."
> >
> > They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves. Seeing this, a fifteen year old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell any condoms here?"
"Yep" she says. "What size do you need?"
"I don't know" he says.
She unzips his zipper for a feel, pauses and says over the intercom,

> > "CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3 PLEASE. CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3."

1. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

2. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

3. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

4. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.

5. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

6. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

7. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having Sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

11. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

12. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see
nothin'.

13. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

14. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless super model...and it's free.

15. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

18. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

19. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

20. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay."

21. "Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"

22. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

I got a good joke for ya. Took my wife and kids out on the boat for the first time yesterday, so it was chaos to begin with. Left the dock at 2:00pm and proceeded to have a great afternoon. Returned to the dock at 7:00pm. Brought some stuff from the boat to the car and my car was running. Either this marina had a valet that starts your car when you return or I left the car running for 5 hours(unlocked). Only in Charlestown can you get away that and not have your car "borrowed". I continue to amaze myself with the stupid stuff I do. :smash:

WOW, R U LUCKY !!:D
But you do deserve a ......:smash:

Nice Job Scotch! :smash: (done worse though)

A Boston Red Sox fan, a Chicago Cubs fan and NY Yankee fan were all in Saudi Arabia performing military duty for the US Army. While off base, they were caught sharing a smuggled case of booze.

All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a sever offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they were sentenced to death! With the help of good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, a benevolent Sheik decided that they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik said, "It's my 1st wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each one of you one wish before your whipping."

The Cubs fan was 1st in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Cubs fan was carried away bleeding and crying.

The Yankees fan was up next (he almost finished an entire 5th by
himself),and after watching the scene, said "OK please fix 2 pillows to my back." But even 2 pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Yankee fan crying like a baby.

The Red Sox fan was the last up (he had finished off the crate - given his allegiance, who could blame him), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said "you support the greatest baseball team in the world, your supporters are the best and most loyal fans in all the world. For this you may have 2 wishes'"

"Thanks, your most royal highness'" the Red Sox fan replied." In
recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, powerful man, you are also very brave," said the Sheik. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? what is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Yankee fan to my back."

:laughs:

A hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a
shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him:
"Here friend, take a drink outa my jug."
The man protested, saying he never drank. The hillbilly leveled his
shotgun at the stranger and commanded: "Drink!"
The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Gad!
That's awful stuff you've got there."
"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now, you hold the gun on me
while I take a swig."

The Boots

A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy says, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?"

The woman figures why not and spends the night with him. The next day she hands the cowboy a $100 bill. Blushing, he says, "Nobody has ever paid me for my services before. I'm flattered. "

"The woman replies, "Well, don't be. Take this money and buy
yourself some boots that fit."

Very good stuff :D



MOST PEOPLE get annoyed when salesmen call during dinner. Not at my house. We love it. A call from somebody hawking burial plots or new long-distance service may interrupt the meal, but it also gives us a chance to play Scare the Solicitor, my family's favorite parlor game. The object is to say something so disturbing, so bizarre, to a telemarketer that he'll never call again, maybe even give up phone sales for good. It's harder than it sounds.

"Hi, Mr. Carlson, this is Brandon Mink, from Merrill Lynch." "Hi." (Voice sounds kind of familiar. Do I know this guy?)

"Mr. Carlson, if you have a second, I'd like to talk to you about some important investment opportunities."

"Well, to tell you the truth, Brandon, I can't. I'm kind of busy. I'm having my other leg amputated in the morning. Got to pack for the hospital."

(Pause. Nervous chuckle.) "You're kidding, right?"

"Unfortunately not." (Did he just ask me if I was kidding?) "Had the other one taken off last year. Terrible experience. Just when I was getting used to one prosthesis, they're getting me another. I'm not looking forward to it."

"Wow. Sorry. Well, listen, would you have time to talk when you get out?"

"Actually, Brandon, I'm going out of town after I leave the hospital. Headed up to Minnesota for a couple of months. Going to get some experimental therapy, see if I'll ever walk again. I won't be back till March."

"Hmm. Okay. Well, maybe I Could call you then. Will you be at this number?"

Sound callous? Not by the standards of the people who call my house. (Though, to be fair, Brandon from Merrill Lynch did write a follow-up note a few days later. "If your spirits stay high," he wrote in ballpoint at the bottom of the investment pitch, "you'll never be low.")

Just the other night, Sherri from Rollins Protective Services dialed up to see if I wanted to buy some fantastically expensive alarm system. So I told her I was blind.

"Legally blind?" she asked. "Oh, totally blind," I said. "I was young, a chemistry set blew up in my face."

From across the room my wife grimaced, as if to say I was going too far. Which I was, but then so was Sherri.

"Well, we have a model for the visually impaired," Sherri offered hopefully. "It doesn't have Braille, but the buttons are raised. Alarms are especially important for the handicapped." She didn't miss a beat. "If your house caught fire, the alarm would wake you up and the fire department would come and lead you outside."

She almost had me. "I'm not sure," I said, "I have this terrible drinking problem. I don't think I'd wake up even if the alarm went off." "Well," she countered, "the firemen would just carry you out."

Clearly nothing was going to deter this woman. Finally, in a desperate move, I slammed the handset against the wall, made a yelping sound and muttered something about hitting my head on a kitchen cabinet. Got to go, I said.

But she ignored me. "Could I at least come over and show it to you?" she pleaded. "Show it to me?" I harrumphed with what was rapidly becoming real indignation. "I'm blind."

Over the years, I've tried just about every disease and physical deformity I could think of on phone solicitors, the whole gamut from kidney dialysis and advanced melanoma to more esoteric maladies like lupus and Hansen's Disease. When Greenpeace canvassers would show up at our door begging for money, I'd stare at them in bovine incomprehension without saying a word. Taking their clipboard, I'd write, "I am a deaf-mute" in big, scrawly letters and keep staring. Usually, they'd get uncomfortable and leave quickly (though one patient volunteer spent 10 minutes trying to explain acid rain to me in hand gestures).

But all of these were just short-term solutions. What I really needed was something to scare them off for good, some way to get blacklisted by phone salesmen. By the time Citibank called last summer hoping to hook me on a new credit bargain, I thought I had it all figured out.

"Would you like to take advantage of our new Credit Value Plus Voucher Savings Plan today?" the woman asked.

"Of course, I'd love to," I said. "But I don't know if I should. My future's kind of up in the air at this point. I'd better wait to find out what happens with my appeal."

"Your appeal?"

"Yeah, I'm out on bond right now. Maybe you read about it--I killed three people in a drug-related murder spree a couple of years ago. I'm out now trying to beat the charges. And it's expensive. You wouldn't believe what lawyers cost. So I really don't think I should take advantage of the offer till I win my case."

"l know you're innocent," she said perkily.

"I'm not. I definitely did it. But I'll probably get off anyway. This is America."

"Good luck!" she said.

A pregnant woman from Brooklyn gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma,
asleep for nearly six months.

When she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically
asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A
boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother from the Bronx came in and
named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name, guess I was wrong about
my brother. I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

A man was in his front yard mowing grass
when his attractive blond female
neighbor came out of the house and went
straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut
stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house
again went to the mail box and again
opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the
lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and
then slammed it closed harder than
ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her,
"Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly
is!".................

(Are you ready? This is a beauty) ...

My stupid computer keeps saying', "YOU'VE
GOT MAIL"


:laughs: :laughs: ;)

THE TEACHER COMEBACK OF THE YEAR


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I
might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,
or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

A blind man, enters a bar, finds his way to a bar stool, and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a weight lifter.
The lady to your right is a blonde, and a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A Texan, a New Yorker, and a guy from Cape Cod walk into a bar. The Texan grabs a
bottle of Tequila, unscrews the top, takes a good swig, and throws the bottle
into the air. He then pulls out a .45 caliber pistol and shoots the bottle, spraying
Tequila all over everything.

The other patrons at the bar shout "Hey why'd you waste that?!" The Texan
says, "Hell, it's just Tequila, where I come from, we got lotsa Tequila."

The New Yorker, not to be outdone, whips out a corkscrew and opens a bottle
of wine, pours a bit into a glass, swirls the glass, and sips it, then
throws the bottle in the air, and shoots it with a little silver pistol.

The patrons again express their displeasure and astonishment at such a waste
of a bottle of wine. The New Yorker says, "New York State wine country, we got lots of great
wine there."

The the guy from Cape Cod borrows the corkscrew, pops the top off a bottle of Harpoon and
downs the whole bottle. He throws the empty bottle into the air, shoots the
New Yorker and simultaneously catches the falling bottle. Now the people are
screaming, "Why'd you do that???!!!!"

The guy from Cape Cod replies, "Well where I come from, we've got lots of
New Yorkers, but I'll be fined unless I recycle this bottle."

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike, "My elbow hurts
like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "there's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It only takes 10
seconds and costs $10."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the store. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer
ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy lifting. It will improve in about 2 weeks.

That night while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in the concoction, and awaits the results. The computer ejects a
printout:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5.If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Lets bump up the class of jokes up a notch or two, I don't need my 13 yr old brother asking me too much here when he reads this :D

*********

1. I see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

The other day I was in my local auto part store when a lady comes in
and
asks for a seven ten cap. We all look at each other and ask,
"What's a seven ten cap?"
She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow
and
I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it?" Joe the counterman ask.
Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says that
it's
a
Buick. "Okay, Lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
"What does it do?" I ask.
She says, "I don't know, but it's always been there."
Joe gave her a note pad and asks if she could draw a picture of it.
So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the
center she writes 710.
Joe from behind the counter, was looking at it upside down as she
writes
710...
and he just fall down behind the counter laughing so hysterically.
One of the other guy says, "I think you want an oil cap."
She says, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it. I
just
need
one,
and I don't see what is so damn funny about it."
Yes, she was a blonde, and if you read "710" upside down it reads OIL

The other day I was in my local auto part store when a lady comes in
and
asks for a seven ten cap. We all look at each other and ask,
"What's a seven ten cap?"
She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow
and
I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it?" Joe the counterman ask.
Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says that
it's
a
Buick. "Okay, Lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
"What does it do?" I ask.
She says, "I don't know, but it's always been there."
Joe gave her a note pad and asks if she could draw a picture of it.
So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the
center she writes 710.
Joe from behind the counter, was looking at it upside down as she
writes
710...
and he just fall down behind the counter laughing so hysterically.
One of the other guy says, "I think you want an oil cap."
She says, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it. I
just
need
one,
and I don't see what is so damn funny about it."
Yes, she was a blonde, and if you read "710" upside down it reads OIL

...WHAT?.... I didn't make that up......I just copied and pasted :smash: :smash:

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

Here's to achieving 103% !!

Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future:

What makes life 100% ??

IF: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

equals

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then;

H A R D W O R K = 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% Only

K N O W L E D G E = 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% Only

But;

A T T I T U D E = 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

However;

B U L L #### = 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

Give it all you've got . . .
-------------------------------
After you've read this you will find it interesting to note that
A S S K I S S E R = 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 5 18 = adds up to 120%.

There's always somebody in the group that is giving 120% isn't there?

REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT
Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border

San Antonio, Texas (Rooters)
Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.

"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my daughters."

Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first
spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.

This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its
underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to
California for $4.5 billion.

Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated.

"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand
behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse
spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every time we yell, 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."

The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."

Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for telltake sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on that..."

Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Kenneth Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Bernardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' San Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.

So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375.

"She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowmen place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds texture to the stucco walls."

While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo.

"No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said.
"They're rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for
each change as a sales event."

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim
out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to
be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, " Mary, I have good news and bad
news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able
to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think
you've regained your senses."

"The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe
belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

this may be posted already???



The Rules.... This time by Men.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do! Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"

we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

A few years ago, a friend of mine bought a house in Concord, MA. This house
was old, pre-Revolutionary, maybe 250 years old.
Soon after he bought it, he was rummaging around in the cellar, which was
very primitive, and he unearthed an antique bottle with a cork in it. As he
was admiring it, the bottle slipped out of his hands and shattered on the
flagstones! And this huge genie took shape and said, "You have one wish."
(One wish, mind you.)
My friend was understandably nervous. "Well," he said, "I have this longing
to visit a certain place-this isn't my wish yet. I'm first trying to figure
out the rules-and that place is Hawaii. The stickler is that I get terribly
seasick and I can't bear the thought of flying, so I can't just let you
transport me to Hawaii-I'd never be able to get home!
"So this is what I want, if it's possible: Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I
can just drive over and drive back."
"Allah be praised!" says the genie. "Do you realize what an undertaking that
would be?! Some of the pylons would have to be more than two miles deep! We'd
have to allow for trans-Pacific shipping and be able to withstand mid-ocean
storms, not to mention all the permits! Isn't there anything else I could do
for you?"
"Let me see," says my friend. "Could you give me the wisdom to understand
women?"
The genie sighed. "What do you want? Two-lane or four-lane?"

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to
be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin'
through this Big Book to see if the guy
is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes
through the books several times, furrows
his brow, and says to the guy, "You know,
I can't see that you did anything really
good in your life but, you never did
anything bad either. Tell you what, if
you can tell me of one REALLY good deed
that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says,
"Yeah, there was this one time when I
was drivin' down the highway and I saw
a giant group of Hell's Angels Biker Gang
types assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down
my car to see what was going on, and sure
enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em
torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get
out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of
my trunk, and walked straight up to the
leader of the gang, a huge guy with a
studded leather jacket and a chain running
from his nose to his ear. As I walked up
to the leader, the Hell's Angels Biker Gang
formed a circle around me.

So, I rip the leader's chain off his face
and smash him over the head with the tire
iron. Then I turn around and yell to the
rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent
girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick,
deranged animals! Go home before I teach
you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When
did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few stools down, turning blue from wolfing down an Armadillo Burger too fast.
The first Texan said to the other, "Think we otta' help?"
"Yep, I reckon" said the second Texan.
The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no.
"Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no.
With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and started to licked her butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe again with great relief.
The first Texan turned back to his friend and said,

"Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 57th birthday.
She spends $10,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home she stops at a news-stand to buy a paper.
Before leaving she asks the salesclerk "I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm
actually 57," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonalds and asks the
counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I am 57!"

Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting
for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me feel your boobs. Then, I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity
got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead".
The old man slips both hands under her blouse and begins to feel around.
After several minutes she says, Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands slowly and says, "You are 57."

Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

:happy: :cool:

A guy was sitting quietly reading his magazine
when his wife walked up behind
him and whacked him on the head with a newspaper.
What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou
written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the
horses I bet on," he explained.

Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good
explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and
hit him in the head again, this time with the iron
skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied "Your horse called."

This is not a joke, but a great idea. I'm sure we all know someone who deserves this. Enjoy...


Subject: Classic Anger Management

>
> This is diabolical! ( and yet, strangely satisfying.... )
>
>
> For all of you who occasionally have a really bad
> day and you just need to
> take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone
> you know, take it out
> on someone you don't know.
> I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone
> call I had forgotten to
> make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man
> answered saying, "Hello?"
>
> I politely said, "This is Bob, could I please speak
> with Robin?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so
>
> rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and
> called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).
>
> After hanging up with her, I decided to call the
> 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a-hole!" and hung up.
>
> I wrote his number down, with the word 'a-hole'
> next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an a-hole
>
> It always cheered me up.
>
> When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a-hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
> Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling
> to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?"
>
> He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I
> quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a-hole
>
> So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to
> pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently
>
> waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had
> been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
>
> A couple of days later, right after calling the
> first a-hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a-hole too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"
>
> I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for
> sale?"
>
> "Yes it is."
>
> "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
>
> "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow
> house and the car's parked right out front."
>
> "What's your name?" I asked.
>
> "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
>
> "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
>
> "I'm home every evening after five."
>
> "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
>
> "Yes?"
>
> "Don, you're an a-hole
>
> Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
> dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a-holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
>
> So, I came up with an idea: I called a-hole #1.
>
> "Hello"
>
> "You're an a-hole! (but I didn't hang up.)
>
> "Are you still there?" he asked.
>
> "Yeah," I said.
>
> "Stop calling me," he screamed.
>
> "Make me," I said.
>
> "Who are you?" he asked.
>
> "My name is Don Hansen."
>
> "Yeah, where do you live?"
>
> a-hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow
> house with my black Beemer out front."
>
> He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you
> had better start saying your prayers."
>
> I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a-hole
>
> Then I called a-hole # 2:
>
> "Hello?" he said.
>
> "Hello a-hole, I said.
>
> He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
>
> "You'll what?" I said.
>
> "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
>
> I answered, "Well, a-hole, here's your chance. I'm
> coming over right now."
>
> Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police
> saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
>
> Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war
> going down on West 34th Street.
>
> I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th
> St. There, I saw two a-holes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
>
> Now, I feel better.
>

That was pretty friekin' hilarious :D

I would love to do that so some people I unfortunately know..
:D :D :D

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans well

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money


3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex

4. It is important that these three women never meet.

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.
"Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast
and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken
the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would
like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins
or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "The Viagra," he says,
"really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie?
Maybe you'ld like a microwaved pizza or a tasty stir-fry
that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "Naw, still not hungry."
"Well," she says,
"would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

Don't Have a joke but red thats a good one....lol :laughs:

Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to seventy?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.A: Because when she gets to sixty-nine, she has a frog in her throat.

:eek: :smash: :laughs: :D :p ;)

ALLIGATOR WARNING
Due to the extreme drought in Florida, the following caution was issued: The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Bay, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

This may have been around, but what the heck:

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, AREN'T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't:
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM AREN'T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't
1. Think you can get me off?


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

> 2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
> A. '66 Ford Fairlane
> B. '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
> C. '64 Pontiac GTO

> 3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

> 4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2,700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

> 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12
> simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

> 6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

> 7. A man owns an Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15 degrees. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

> 8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have
> mufflers and uncracked windshields?

> 9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camel cigarettes will be smoked during the shift?

> 10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

>One Wish
>
>Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape
>from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's
>provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping

>that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the
>amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth.
>
>This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one
>wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter

>the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
>
>The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the

>entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
>
>Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on
>the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

>
>One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
>After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now
>we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to
take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the
rake. He yells up to his wife, to look out the window
and says, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back,"What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his
knee and finally makes a raking motion.The wife is not sure and says,"What?"
The man repeats his gestures, ... points to his eye,
then points to his knee... and finally makes a raking
motion..."EYE KNEE THE RAKE"!
The wife understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye... next she points to
her left breast...then she points to her butt... and
finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come
close to understanding that one.Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in
the friggin'hell was that?!!"
She replies; EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH

>

...went fishing with Goose last night...:laughs: :laughs:




....We got approached by a #@$@#$ police officer...




...."YOUR NOT FISHING RIGHT NEXT TO THAT SIGN THAT SAYS...NO FISHING....ARE YOU!!!????".....


:D :D :D



......"ummm.......NO"....:rolleyes:

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law.

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.

The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!"

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different
about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow."

Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!!!!"

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

The
priest, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as
his
subject.

After a long sermon, he asked how many were
willing to forgive their
enemies. About half held up their hands. Not
satisfied he harangued for
another twenty minutes and repeated his
question.

This time he received a response of about 80
percent.

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes
and repeated his
question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all
responded except one
elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs.
Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have
any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety
three."

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the
congregation how a
person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an
enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered
down the aisle, very slowly turned
around and said: "It's easy, I just
outlived the bitches." :eek:

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked".

"I only came to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.

Good one, but the real joke of the day happened in Foxboro today......:rolleyes:

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the
large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with
names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning,
Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the
service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's
voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, " which service, the
8:30 or the 10:00?"

You know your driving too fast when....

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over
at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big!

I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get
a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife
was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is
two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!" The wife chooses to ignore her
husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes
some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's
wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill
for one tiny little sausage?"

The blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired
of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are
perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her
husband that blondes really are smart. While her
husband is off at work, she decides that she is going
to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day,
right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down
to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30
and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks
into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is
wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies
yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she
wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He
then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur
coat. She replies that she was reading the directions
on the paint can, and they said...


> > >>>>>

> > >>>>>

> > >>>>>

> > >>>>>

> > >>>>> FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS

The manager of a tackle shop was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from college. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment and replied, "Everything but my earrings!" :eek:

Harley's
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>Arthur Davidson, inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle
>>>Corporation,
>>>>>>died and went to heaven.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a
>good
>>>man
>>>>>>and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you
>can
>>>>>hang
>>>>>
>>>>>>out
>>>>>>with anyone you want in Heaven."
>>>>>>Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to
hang
>>out
>>>>>>with God."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to
>God.
>>>>>>Arthur then asked God, " Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
>>>>>>God said, "Ah, yes."
>>>>>>"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have
some
>>>major
>>>>>>design flaws in your invention.
>>>>>>1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
>>>>>>2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
>>>>>>3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
>>>>>>4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.
>>>>>>5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>"Hummmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold
>>on."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>So God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few
words
>>and
>>>>>>waited for the results.
>>>>>>The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
>>>>>>"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
>>>Arthur,
>>>>>>"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention
>>than
>>>>>>yours!"
>>>

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father
said,
"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran
back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be
quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my
feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a
muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and
held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed
the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we
eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked."

An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin. He ordered three pints of
Guinness, sat in the back of the room, and drank a sip out of each one
in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered
three more.

The bartender asked him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It
would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
when we drank together."

The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it there.

The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way.
One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars
noticed and fell silent.

When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my
condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his
eye and he laughed. "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

One day three men walked into a
pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they
were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in
each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The first man pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Second man fished the fly out of his beer, and continued
drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The third man, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out
over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT
YOU B$%@#$*!!!!"

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the
other and says "dam".
---------------------------------
Two
fish are in a tank.
One
says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive."

Ok I'll say it again....


So.... A baby seal walks into a club...and....


I know its really bad.... but:D

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
:smash:

John, a wealthy and single professional, decides he has had enough of the "ratrace".

He finds a farmhouse in Montana miles from the nearest town and settles in. He is relaxed and content. He does not see another human being for 4 months.

One day a man comes walking up his driveway. The man introduces himself as Don explains that he owns the farm over the 'yonder' hill.

Don invites John to his house that evening for a party.
John replies "That would be great, I haven't been out of the house in months".

Don tells him there will be drunkeness at this party.

John replies " That's great, I could use a few drinks".

Don tells him that drunkeness at one of his parties often lead to brawling.

John replies "I am an ex- USMC officer... I think I can handle my own"

Don then tells him that with all the excitement from the brawling mixed with all that alcohol it could lead to some wild and rough sex.

John replies "Hey... I've been here alone for awhile, if you know what I mean"

As Don is leaving John asks "Oh, by the way, what should I wear?"

Don replies "It doesn't matter, It will be just the two of us".

A young family moved into a house next door to a
vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up
to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's six year old daughter naturally
took an interest in the activity going on next door
and started talking with the workers. She hung
around and eventually the construction crew - gems
in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her
as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her,
let her sit with them while they had coffee and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here
and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her
with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little
girl took it home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that
they take the dollar pay she had received to the
bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally
impressed with the story and asked the little girl
how she had come by her very own pay cheque at such
a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've
been working with a construction crew building a
house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will
you be working on the house again this week too?"

"I will if those useless bas-tards at Home Depot
ever bring us the f-ing' drywall," replied the little girl.

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things..

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah,not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"

LMAO :D

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were
hunting in the wilderness of Maine.
Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious
snowstorm was upon them. They came across an
isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had
heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable,
so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest
and shelter.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the
cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple
place; two rooms with a minimum of furniture and
household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the
cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied,
and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was
its location; it was suspended in midair by wires
attached to the ceiling beams.
"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious
that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity,
has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under
it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is
practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By
elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute
heat more evenly throughout the cabin."
"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian,
"I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling
has religious meaning. Fire "lifted up" has been a
religious symbol for centuries."
The three debated the point for several hours without
resolving the issue. When the trapper finally
returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung
his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.
His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not
Much stove pipe."

Sung to the tune: "If You're Happy And
You Know It Clap Your Hands"

If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi
And the bank takes back your Audi
And the TV shows are bawdy,
Bomb Iraq.

If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq.
And your ties to them are showin', bomb Iraq.
If the smoking gun ain't smokin'
We don't care, and we're not jokin'.
That Saddam will soon be croakin',
Bomb Iraq.

Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections;
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq.
Yay! the clouds of war are storming, bomb Iraq.
If the ozone hole is growing,
Some things we prefer not knowing.
(Though our ignorance is showing),
Bomb Iraq.

So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq,
From his favorite little laddy, bomb Iraq.
Saying no would look like treason.
It's the Hussein hunting season.
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband said, let me tell you how this all came about

I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

She was barefooted so I gave her your good sandals, which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater, which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

Subject: Fw: Andy Rooney Speaks
Andy Rooney Speaks

1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:

"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"

2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I
don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they
should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.

3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I
noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their
territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh
scent out of your clothes.

4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences :

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women
are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's
because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did
you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90
cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel
very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T
KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you
believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls phone sex girls for
$2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."

6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use
words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it.
You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out
entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she
gave you for your birthday.

8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep.
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive,
your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

9. Andy Rooney on Research:

Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast
implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is
believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people
wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who can't remember what
to do with them.

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
__________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
__________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
__________________________________________

__________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
__________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
__________________________________________

17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.
__________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel? ____________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood. ___________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1 week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue.
>

http://media.smilepop.com/smilepop/flash/06_2002/may02-smilepop-soapbox2.swf

Not bad...

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
private investigator Alan Pinkerton - for protection. That was the
beginning of the Secret Service.

Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number
of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc. Now comes
the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."
Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their
black outfits with their initials in large white letters across
their backs:
"FATASS." I feel safer already.

Two guys were sittin' at the bar, enjoying a couple Blooberries ;).

One guy says, "I had a wonderful dream last night. It was just me and my fishin' rod on a beautiful lake. Just wonderful!"

The other guy says, "Really? Well I had a dream that I was in bed with two beautiful women!"

The first guys says, "What??? You were in bed with two beautiful women and you didn't call me???"

The other guys says, "Well... when I called, your wife said you were out fishing!"

DOH'!

(Hope that wasn't too off-color!)

Hangover Ratings

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still
feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a philly sub and steak
fries.


Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging
is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the
fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some
definite havoc being wrought upon your bowels.



Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the flavored schnapps' shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed
watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water,
3 iced teas and a diet Coke-yet you haven't peed once.



Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but
that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
(for the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein and even your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about
five sh**s you take during the day makes the eyes water of everyone
who enters the bathroom.



Five Star Hangover (*****)


You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the
remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this
morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose-like discharge
of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole
purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all
over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now.

Ouch.

I had to delete a couple they were REALLY bad,,


Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all | >yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frickin book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa



Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa


Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis"; nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa



Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa



Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa



Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging thing may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater,,,,again.
Santa



Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams,
Santa

From: Santa Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South
Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas
Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract
was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As
part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for
milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with
your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba
Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my
goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however,
there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds or a moon pie on the hearth. And
Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please
have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back
Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves
Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as
Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

> A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the
TV,
> and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
> She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
> When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's about to
> start."
> This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
> When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
> "That 's it!" (She blows her top!) ----
> "You sorry bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even
> say hello to me and then expect me to run around bringing you beers, like
> your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron, all
> day long?"
> The husband sighed. "It's started!...."

CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKE RECIPE
---------------------------
You'll need the following:

1 C water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 C sugar
1 C brown sugar
4 large eggs
lemon juice
2 C dried fruit nuts
1 tsp. salt
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay.
Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer.
Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry
it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out the window.

NOW THATS A MAN!!!

:D

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one
and goes over to the register. A Wal-Mart associate
is standing there with dark shades on.

She says, ''Excuse me, sir, can you tell me
anything about this rod and reel?''



He says, ''Ma'am, I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter
I can tell you everything you need to know
about it from the sound that it makes.''



She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, ''That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line.
It's a good all-around rod and reel and it's $20.00.''



She says, ''That's amazing that you can tell all that just
by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it.''

He walks behind the counter to the register.
Just then, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but
then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her—
being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.


He rings up the sale and says, ''That will be $25.50.''

She says, ''But didn't you say it was $20.00?''

He says, ''Yes, ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00,
the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.''

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to
be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning", said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!!!" said the old lady. 'I haven't got any money!'!! and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the polished young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove "all" traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will "personally" eat the remainder."

"Well now", she said, "I hope you've got a damned good appetite fella, because the electricity was cut off this morning because, like I told you, I don't have any money."

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk,
"I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says,
"Are you Polish?"



The guy, clearly offended, says,
"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something. If I had asked for Italian
sausage would you ask me if I was
Italian?

Or if I had asked for German
bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?

Or if I asked for a kosher
hot dog would you ask me if I was
Jewish?


Or if I had asked for a taco
would you ask if I was Mexican?

Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says sheepishly, "Well, no."

With deep, self-righteous indignation,
the guy says, "Well, all right then,
why did you ask me if I'm Polish just
because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

> Subject: Just wondering...
>

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangling things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's butt looked edible?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
>>
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
>>
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! And they think Goofy is the stupid one!!!
>>
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
>>
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
>>
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
>>
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
>>
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
>>
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
>>
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.
>>
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there
is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up
sinking it.

He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken
vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst
to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the
grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry
for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm
sort
of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her
bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was
always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole
in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked
like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four
guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and
that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to
get
in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER


" I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Frank Sinatra

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
" An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."

Ernest Hemingway

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Henny Youngman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

Stephen Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
"When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

Brian O'Rourke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B. C.!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

Dave Howell

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
BEER Helping White Guys Dance Since 1869

TRY THIS GAME DON'T PEAK AHEAD

MIND GAME







2% or 98%

This is strange...can you figure it out?

Are you the 2% or 98% of the population?

Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD!

* Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.

* There's no trick or surprise.

* Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a
time and as quickly as you can!
* Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done
each of them . really. * Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you
might miss something).

































Think of a number from 1 to 10














































Multiply that number by 9
















































If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together












































Now subtract 5















































Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number
you ended up with

(example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)













































Think of a country that starts with that letter










































Remember the last letter of the name of that country


















































Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter
















































Remember the last letter in the name of that animal
















































Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter
















































Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange?





I told you this was FREAKY!! If not, you're among the 2% of the
population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98%
of people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark when given this exercise.
Keep this message going. This one is actually worth sending on to others.
Forward it to people you know so they can find out if they are usual or
unusual

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation
asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold
or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern
society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When
he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather
was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he
replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to
be cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared.

Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got
an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National
Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to
be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold
indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service
responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told
them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,
"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The
Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going
to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of
the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood
like crazy."

:bshake:

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around
by his wife; so he went
to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed
to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on
assertiveness, which he read on the
way home. He had finished the book by the time he
reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said,
"From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man
of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet
meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I
expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my
bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair ...."

"The funeral director," said his wife.

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts". And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all
Broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!"
And they all started booing and cat calling.
Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a
Beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, " What in the world happened? "
The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a
vendor passed by and yelled "PEANUTS!"

>HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
>===============================
>
>You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if
>you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
>should keep the chips and dip coming.
>-- Alan, age 10
>
>No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
>to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find
>out later who you're stuck with.
>-- Kirsten, age 10
>
>
>WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
>
>Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
>FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
>
>No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
>married. -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
>
>
>HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
>
>You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
>yelling at the same kids.
>-- Derrick, age 8
>
>
>WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
>
>Both don't want any more kids.
>-- Lori, age 8
>
>
>WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
>
>Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
>know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen
>long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
>
>On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
>usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
>--
>Martin, age 10
>
>
>WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
>
>I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
>newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
>columns. -- Craig, age 9
>
>
>WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
>
>When they're rich.
>-- Pam, age 7
>
>The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
>mess with that. -- Curt, age 7
>
>The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
>marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to
>do.
>-- Howard, age 8
>
>
>IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
>
>I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm
>never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all
>grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8
>
>It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
>someone to clean up after them.
>-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
>
>
>HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
>
>There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
>-- Kelvin, age 8
>
>
>And the #1 Favorite is........
>
>HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
>
>Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
>truck. -- Ricky, age 10

A 60 year old women tells her husband she would like to have breast implants.

He responds, "Honey, that is silly, you look fine and you don't need implants".

She persists and says she has always wanted larger breasts and that she thought that he would enjoy them too. They are a little expensive..about $10,000 but we could pay for it over time.

He says, dear, again you look fine and I really don't think you need to spend 10K for implants.

She looks at him and asks again, dear, its something I really want to do...

He says, If you want bigger breasts why don't you just rub a little toilet paper on them.

She replies "What? how is rubbing toilet paper on my tits going to make them big?"

He replies, "Look what it did for your ass!"

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,


"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
>
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
>
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
>
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
>
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
>
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a
divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

He didn't become a champion jockey by hanging around woods and playing with nuts you know.
:laughs: :laughs:

Subject: DID YOU KNOW.....


Did you know that?

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.

And, the best for last.....Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Do you think they have bad breath?)

Subject: I'M SORRY




To My Dear Friend
the Dog:




I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break;
the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint...

Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no hard feelings towards you, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.



Best regards,
The Cat

Sorry guys....Blame it in Adam!


Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very
lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he
didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make
Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will
cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for
you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she
will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was
wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take
care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love
and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"


God replied, "An arm and a leg."



Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"


Of course the rest is history

;)

Here is a Red Neck House Boat

>>
> >>HOW BLONDE WAS SHE?
> >>
> >>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >>She thought a quarterback was a refund.
> >>She thought General Motors was in the Army.
> >>She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
> >>She thought Boyz II Men was a day-care center.
> >>At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she
> >>wrote
> >>"Scorpio."
> >>
> >>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >>She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
> >>She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
> >>She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
> >>She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
> >>Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on
> >>Phonics".
> >>
> >>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >>She tripped over a cordless phone.
> >>She spent 20 minutes looking at an orange juice can because it said
> >>"Concentrate."
> >>She told someone to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T
> >>WALK."
> >>She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
> >>She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
> >>
> >>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >>She studied for a blood test.
> >>She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
> >>She sold the car for gas money.
> >>When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
> >>When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport
> >>Left,"
> >>she turned around and went home.
> >>
> >>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >>When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she
> >>moved.
> >>She thought Taco Bell was Mexico's phone company.
> >>She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
> >>She thought she could only use her AM radio in the morning.
> >>She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This
> >>Goes
> >>In Front"
> >>
> >>- Author Unknown
> >
>
>
>

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he
settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding
the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight toward
his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to
strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. The Annual
Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous
woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a
meeting for sex education!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly
asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to
debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

Really," he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that
African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the
Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another
popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the
men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover
in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable
and blushed. "I'm sorry."
she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this
with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said.
"Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

Don't you just love boating?

theres a boat in that pic?????????

Nice PIC....

Ok for another joke>>.....

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner. He was upstairs, like all men are when there is work to be done, sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl, warmed the contents slightly and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't take any notice of you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

Two men are driving through Newfoundland when they get pulled over by a
Newfie Mountie. The mountie walks up and taps on the window with his
nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks
him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "what the hell was that
for?" The Mountie says, "You're in Newfoundland my son. When we pulls you
over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The
driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The Mountie
runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his
license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks him up
side the head with the nightstick too. The passenger says, "What'd you do
that for?" The Mountie says, "Just making your wish come true." The
Passenger says, "huh?" The Mountie says, "I knows that two miles down the
road you're gonna say, "I wish that a$%#@*& would've tried that s#@% with
me!"

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A BATH


1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe the cat as you carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as
possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he
will air dry.

Sincerely,
The Dog

Oh my gosh... that is hilarious! lol :laughs: :laughs: :laughs: :laughs: :laughs: :laughs:

FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!
:laughs: :laughs: :jump: :laugha: :hihi: :jester: :claps: :biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh:

Passing this one on. Funny moral.

-WW

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart,time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You're washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

Subject: THE FRENCH



Subject: French jokes doing the rounds today...
> >
> >
> >
> > How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
> > Nobody knows, they have never tried it.
> >
> > The French have just ordered a new national flag.
> > It's a white cross on a white background.
> >
> > Why did the French plant trees on the Champs Elysées?
> > So the Germans could march in the shade.
> >
> > Where do you find 60million French jokes?
> > In France.
> >
> > What's the difference between a Wonderbra and the French World Cup
> > squad?
> > A Wonderbra has decent support, and a cup.
> >
> > What is the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
> > You can make soldiers out of toast.
> >
> > Define confusion.
> > Father's Day in Paris.
> >
> > What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
> > Philippe Flop
> >
> > What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?
> > To say 'I surrender' in German.
> >
> > Why was Jesus not born in France?
> > Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
> >
> > A British, American and French soldier were offered a wish each by a
> > genie
> > after rubbing a lamp they found while training in the desert.
> > The British soldier said: 'I want to be in the Bahamas with a Page 3
> > girl.'
> > The American said: 'I want to be in Hawaii with a hula dancer and a
> > crate of beer.'
> > After they were whisked off, the French soldier thought for a moment and
> > said: 'I wish the Brit and American were here to help me decide.'
> >
> > Jacques Chirac walked into a bar with a parrot on his head and the
> > landlord
> > said: 'How did that happen?'
> > The parrot said: 'It all started as a little pimple on my bottom.'
> >
> > Why don't the French like the fireworks at Disneyland Paris?
> > Because every time they go off, people start trying to surrender.
> >
> > Why do the French eat snails?
> > It gives them speedier reactions.
> >
> > When East and West Germany got back together there were talks to
> > relocate
> > the capital city . . .
> > . . . back to Paris.
> >
> > What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
> > The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.
> >
> > In a rare show of bravery, a French soldier answered an order from his
> > Commanding officer and ran out on to the field of battle, in the line of
> > fire, to
> > retrieve a despatch case from a dead soldier and dashed back to his HQ.
> > The officer said: 'I'm recommending you for a medal for risking your
> > life
> > to save the details of the locations of our secret warehouses.'
> > 'Warehouses?' said the soldier. 'Sacré bleu! I thought you said
> > whorehouses.'
> >

What NOT To Say To A Police Officer!

1. Sure I'll get my license, but can you hold my beer?

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in..

3. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed.....have you been eating doughnuts?"

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay good, just so one of us does..

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer..

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. I was just trying to keep up with traffic... Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are!

DISCLAIMER....yes I am...so I can!:D ;)

Subject: Ethnic Profiling >

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk,
> > "I'd like some Polish sausage."
> >
> > The clerk looks at him and says,
> > "Are you Polish?"
> >
> > The guy, clearly offended, says,
> > "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
> > something. If I had asked for Italian
> > sausage would you ask me if I was
> > Italian?
> > Or if I had asked for German
> > bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
> > German?
> > Or if I asked for a kosher
> > hot dog, would you ask me if I was
> > Jewish?
> >
> > Or if I had asked for a taco,
> > would you ask if I was Mexican?
> > Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
> >
> > The clerk says sheepishly, "Well, no."
> >
> > With deep, self-righteous indignation,
> > the guy says, "Well, all right then,
> > why did you ask me if I'm Polish just
> > because I asked for Polish sausage?"
> >
> > The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot

REDNECK FISH TAPE

The Clinton Era



After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with a
phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called:
SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven
that you can get sex from Aides.

Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like
Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."

The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress:
"Presidue."

Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges:
Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.

Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic emblem from a
donkey to a condom? It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you
a false sense of security while you are being screwed.

Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton.
All these women coming forward ,and not one is his sister!

Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortuneteller who intoned,
"Prepare to become widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!"
Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

What to do in a blizzard?

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was
almost zero when the little blond got off work.
She made her way to her car and wondered how she was
going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her
situation.

She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.

That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while
a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as
they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot.

Subject: Nominated For Quote Of The Year

Nominated for Quote of the Year is the statement made by TexasCongressman #^&#^&#^&#^& Armey when asked: "If you had been in PresidentClinton's place, would you have resigned?"Armey responded: "If I were in the President's place I would not have gotten a chance to resign. I would be laying in a pool of my own blood, looking up and listening to Mrs. Armey saying, "How do I reload this damn thing?"

Subject: Fw: I love my computer



This is great!

> > > Subject: I love my computer
> > >
> > >
> > > For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the
way
> > > computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
> > >
> > > At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
> > > computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept
up
> > > with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
> > > driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
> > >
> > > In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release
> > > stating:
> > >
> > > "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving
> > > cars with the following characteristics:
> > >
> > > 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
> > >
> > > 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
> > > buy a new car.
> > >
> > > 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
> > > would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
> > > windows,
> > > shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you
could
> > > continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
> > >
> > > 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
> > > your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
> have
> > > to
> > > reinstall the engine.
> > >
> > > 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
> > > reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would
run
> > > on only
> > > five percent of the roads.
> > >
> > > 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would
all
> > > be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
> > > warning light.
> > >
> > > 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
> > >
> > > 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out
> > > and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
> handle,
> > >
> > > turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
> > >
> > > 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
> > > how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate
> in
> > >
> > > the same manner as the old car.
> > >
> > > 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> >

SMILES FROM THE BIBLE

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else
was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the
Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of
the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a
Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all
in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why
he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. (I like
it!)

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant
lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always
overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the
Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

This is how a blonde prints e-mail.....

Only Your Bartender Knows.......



The Meanings Behind What People Drink

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.


THEN, there is the MALE addendum ---- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay!

Ahhh what the hell, here is another:

If You're Happy And You Know It Bomb Iraq - by John Robbins

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty
North Korea is too risky,
Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions
Bomb Iraq.

It's pre-emptive non-aggression, bomb Iraq.
To prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They've got weapons we can't see,
And that's all the proof we need,
If they're not there, they must be there,
Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
And he tried to kill your dad,
Bomb Iraq.

If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq
Disagree? We'll call it treason
Let's make war not love this season
Even if we have no reason
Bomb Iraq

__________________________________________________ _____

The Saddam and George show

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam Hussein's challenge to a televised debate, Tim Dowling exclusively reveals what could have happened had they met

Tim Dowling
Tuesday February 25, 2003
The Guardian

Tony Blair, moderator: Welcome to the first televised debate between George W Bush and Saddam Hussein, live from United Nations headquarters in New York. We will begin with a brief opening statement from each of you.

Bush: First of all I would just like to welcome my evil friend to the UN, one of the great American institutions for the propulsion of freedom throughout the world.

Saddam: Thank you, Great Satan. I hope that in today's debate we may find some common ground between the Iraqi people's commitment to peace and human progress and America's desire to destroy the Middle East.

Bush: Do I answer that?

Blair: No. The first question is quite simply this: do you have any links with al-Qaida?

Bush: I do not.

Blair: The question is for President Saddam.

Saddam: As I told Mr Tony Benn clearly and simply, if I had links with al-Qaida and I enjoyed those links then I would not be ashamed to tell the world, but since I am ashamed to tell the world of this, it follows that I have no such links.

Bush: Neither do I.

Blair: The second question is for Mr Bush. Mr Bush, if America and Iraq were to go to war tomorrow, who would win?

Bush: That's easy. America, right?

Saddam: Even I knew that one.

Bush: That's because the great United American States of America are on the side of rightliness and Americanity, against an evil Axis of Evil made up of Iraq, North Korea and... how many are in an axis? Three?

Blair: I think you're allowed as many as you like.

Bush: OK, Iraq, North Korea and France.

Saddam: I will tell you frankly and directly that Iraq is not part of any Axis of Evil.

Bush: Who am I thinking of then? Irania?

Blair: Let's move on. Saddam, are you willing to destroy your stockpile of Samoud 2 missiles in accordance with UN weapons inspectors' orders?

Saddam: I explain to you now that if Iraq possessed these so-called weapons, we would never destroy them, but since we do not have any such weapons, we are happy to comply, even though these non-existent weapons certainly do not exceed the proscribed range of 150 kms. I've tested them myself, and we don't have any.

Blair: The final question is for George Bush. Mr President, is there any way that Saddam Hussein can avoid war, and what steps must he now take in order to reach a negotiated solution?

Bush: Listen to me. It's very simple. First Saddam must compile 200% with the UN inspectorers, and I mean activated
compilation, not passivist compilation. Second, he must disarm fully, in keeping with UN revelation 1441 and the next one coming, 1441B, which will require him to disarm even more fully that. Then he must destroy all Samoud missiles and any other weapons of mass destruction he is found, or not found, to be possessive of, without being asked. Finally, there is one more task he must perform, which I am not at liberty to revulge. And even that will not be enough.

Blair: The translator would like to take your answer home with him and work on it over the weekend.
Bush: Fine, but we require nothing less than total disarmature.

Saddam: OK.

Blair: Sorry, but I'm not sure that "disarmature" is a word. I defer to the UN Keeper of the Dictionary, Mr Richard Stilgoe.

Stilgoe: Yes, you can have disarmature. It means, "the action of disarming" according to the OED.

Bush: Exactly. He must cut his own arms off.

Saddam: If it means peace, I will do it.
Bush: Too late.

Stilgoe: Did you know that Saddam Hussein is an anagram of 'Demands a Sushi'?

Saddam: Yes, I've heard them all.

Bush: I don't eat sushi. Is there a fish option?

Blair: I'd like to remind everyone at home that the Monica Lewinsky-Tonya Harding fight follows after the break.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A COMPUTER ADDICT WHEN...
1: You wake up at 3:00AM to go to the bathroom and you stop and check your e-mail on the way through.
2: You get a tattoo that reads: This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 5.0 or better.
3: You name a child explorer, mozilla, or outlook express.
4: You turn off your computer and get this empty lonely feeling like you just pulled the plug on a loved one's life support system.
5: You spend 7 hours driving around trying to find a 12 volt adapter for your laptop so going shopping will be more productive.
6: You stay in college for an additional year or two for the free internet access.
7: You laugh at people with 28.8 modems and wonder how evolution actually occurred.
8: You start using smileycons in your responses at the other tech site (which shall remain nameless).
9: You find yourself typing com after every period when using your word processor.
10: You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading or streaming audio.
11: You start introducing yourself as johndoe@alwaysfreakingonline.net.
12: Your friends all have @ in their names.
13: Your family pet has it's own web page.
14: Your excuse for not calling your relatives is: they don't have a modem.
15: You check your e-mail, it says you have no new messages, so you check it again.
16: Your phone bill is the lowest in the neighborhood because you cant get off the computer long enough to make long distance calls.
17: When filling out applications you write your address as johndoe@alwaysfreakingonline.net, and your qualifications as your system's components.
18: You get to know your tech support agent better than your own wife.
19: You dream in 16-bit color.
20: You spend most of your honeymoon formatting your hard drive and reinstalling Windows.
21: You take your laptop to the Ball Game.
22: You refer to Microsoft using an uncomplimentary name.
23: You buy your toothpaste and toilet paper on-line.
24: You wonder if they'll ever bring back the Commodore 64.

What happened? I just edited the pic anyway:

http://www.striped-bass.com/images/saddam_mis.jpg

I didn't notice the F***, until I looked again. And with the recent nightmares you've been dealing with, I don't want to add more fuel to the fires you're putting out.
Good job editing it, thanks.

Two guys are fishing in a boat and one guycatches one of those fishes that grant wishes and he says " I wish this whole lake was full of beer" The fish grants his wish and says friend says "Great now we have to piss in the boat"

How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

IDIOTS IN SERVICE:
This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the
telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00
a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller
time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he
would be able to do that since our phones weren't working. He
also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR
email work without a telephone line?).

IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had
just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front
of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had
just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal
of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer
were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there
anymore. I could swear I've recently been with some of these
people...

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He
said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my
knowledge, how would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if
I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind
people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on
earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is
leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into
itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system
would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."


Now don't you feel better?

LUNCH AT HP

Lunch, the HP Way

by Stephen Harrison and Noel Magee

This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's, no screaming disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man for life.

I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new series 70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour. Three hours later, we'd barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he invited me downstairs for lunch.

This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service counter was a menu which began...



MMU's (Main Menu Units)

0001A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order comdiments 00110A separately

001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.

00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese,
bun and condiments.

001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.

00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger

001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.

00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A

001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.

My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The waitress looked at me like I was an alien.

"How would you like to order that, sir?"

"Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?"

"No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like?"

I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?"

"The patty is rated at eight bites."

"Well, how about the rest of it?"

"I dont have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more."

"Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."

My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002 'expands burger to two patties'. The double burger upgrade would give you two burgers.

"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."

I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who merely mowed me down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking to some woman who was waving her arms around and looking very excited.

"What if... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable option and without the burger and cheese? It'd be a BLT!"

The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my attention again. "Have you decided, sir?"

"Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with the option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles with a option to substitute relish.

"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."

"That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep butted in again. "That's not a supported configuration."

"What now?" I kept my voice steady.

"Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."

"Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."

The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but that's not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't fit in the box. The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."

I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110. French followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English Fries?" I turned to the sales rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them."

I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle." The confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured only for series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckles. "No ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask.

"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh off relief. "Your meal is now on order. Now how would you like it supported?"

"Support?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget.

"Implementation assistance?"

"You get a waiter."

"Implementation analysis?"

You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."

"Response Center Support?"

"He brings it to your table."

"Extended materials?"

"You get refills."

I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on my way to the table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin.

Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table waiter slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and said, "Two weeks. But I can get you a standalone chair by the window right away."

I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of chile and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room began to grom dim, my eyesight faded...

I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.

> A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one
> night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
>
> "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor
> asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde
> replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit
> suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde
> said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just
> paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting
> myself in the chest."
>
> "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth,
> and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened,
> I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the
> gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise.
> So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral to it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began telling their stories.

Most of them were the usual "Don't put all your eggs in one basket," or "don't count your chickens before they're hatched," variety until the teacher asked little Michael to tell his story.

"My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen," he began.

"Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 2 bottles of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops!

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke, and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands!"

Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

" Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"

> CORPORATE LESSON 1: A man is getting into the shower just as
his
> wife is
> finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few
> seconds of
> arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the
wife
> gives
> up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When
> she
> opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
>
> Before she says a word, Bob says "I'll give you 800 dollars to
drop
> that
> towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman
> drops her
> towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds,
Bob
> hands her
> 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good
> fortune, the
> woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
>
> When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the
> shower, "Who
> was that?"
>
> "It was Bob the next door neighbor", she replies.
>
> "Great", the husband says, "Did he say anything about the 800
> dollars he
> owes me?"
>
>
> Moral Of The Story: If you share critical information
pertaining to
> credit
> and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a
position to
> prevent avoidable exposure.
>
>
================================================== ===============
>
> CORPORATE LESSON 2: A priest was driving along and saw a nun on
the
> side
> of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she
accepted.
> She
> got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal
a
> lovely
> leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After
> controlling
> the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
>
> The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember
Psalm
> 129?"
> The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced
> himself to
> remove his hand, however he was unable to remove his eyes from
her
> leg.
> Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg
> again.
>
> The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
>
> Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh
is
> weak."
>
> Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful
> glance and
> went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest
rushed to
> retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth
and
> seek.
> Further up, you will find glory."
>
>
> Moral Of The Story: Always be well informed in your job, or you
> might miss
> a great opportunity!
>
>
================================================== ================
>
> CORPORATE LESSON 3: Usually the staff of the company plays
> football. The
> middle level managers are more interested in Tennis. The top
> management
> usually has a preference for Golf.
>
>
> Moral Of The Story: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls
> reduce in
> size.

Take some target practice on Bin Laden. This is pretty fun. It's called Bend Over Bin Laden.

http://www.rock103.com/bin.html

You think a gallon of gas is expensive? This may help put things into perspective!
> >
> > a.. Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29..................$10.32 per gallon
> > b.. Lipton Iced Tea 16 oz $1.19....................$9.52 per gallon
> > c.. Gatorade 20 0z $1.59..................$10.17 per gallon
> > d.. Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25...................$10.00 per gallon
> > e.. Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15...................$33.60 per gallon
> > f.. Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35.................$178.13 per gallon
> > g.. Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85.................$123.20 per gallon
> > h.. White Out 7 oz $1.39...................$25.42 per gallon
> > i.. Scope 1.5 oz$0.99...................$84.48 per gallon
> >
> >and this is the REAL KICKER:
> >
> > a.. Evian Water 9 oz for $1.49................$21.19 per gallon
> >$21.19 FOR WATER!...and the buyers don't even know the source. Yes, and the name "Evian" is "Naive" turned around, and the Canadians are selling it by the millions of gallons to the US.
> >
> >So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, White Out or (God forbid) PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!!
> >
> >Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump!

Guy walks into a pizza stor, and orders a medium pizza for lunch. the guy at the counter asks the guy if he wants it cut into 4 or 8 slices. the guy answeres








4 i cant eat 8!!!!!!

THE "BAD AMERICAN"!!!



YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN
by George Carlin

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and
my family, not some mid-level governmental
functionary, be he Democratic or Republican!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way,
damn it!

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer,
it makes you a smart American.

I think being a minority does not make you noble
or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to
do it in English.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any
more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster.
In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put
your pansy ass through 4 years plus of college,
you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or
her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers,
and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time
arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all
those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off
during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't
wander forty years In the desert after getting
chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches
or been persecuted by the Turks and neither
have you! So, shut the Hell up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where
the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he
gets his money, and why he is always part of the
problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN
on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your
sorry ass if you're running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass
over if you're breaking the law, regardless of
what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot
works, I don't want you deciding who should be
running the most powerful nation in the world for
the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections
trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their
cause. These people should be targets.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child,
it takes two parents.

And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a
BAD American.

What does Iraq have in common with the Irish








Both will be BOMBED on St. Patricks day!:rocketem: :cheers:

All Wal-Mart and K-Mart stores in Iraq will be closing on or before
March 15th.
After that, they will all become Targets.
Thank you; that is all................

Bob's greatest achievement was his brood of six children. In fact,
he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife
"Mother of Six", despite her continual objections.

One night at a cocktail party, Bob decided it was time to go home and
shouted across the room, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His irritated wife hollered back, "Any time you're ready, Father of
Four."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While at the fairgrounds, a woman wanted to take a ride on the
Ferris wheel before heading home. Her husband waited while she
took a spin. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the
woman was thrown out. She landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

He gasped and bent down. "Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around
and
you didn't wave once."

50 Fun Things to Do in a Computer Room!


1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, and go back to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they geta chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You''re such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks

stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight
up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want
your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of
money you could have one of my finest ladies and a
three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't
horny, I'm homesick."

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,

"Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed.

I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from
their flies.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter,

"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further,

"I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Inspection Teams....Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection
teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men!How in the name of the
United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that
men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud!
Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until
it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... and these are the
people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass
destruction?I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in.
Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of
dope.
Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the
rafters.They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can
tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a
quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can
smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can
smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother
knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an
answer to question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide
detective.
So... considering the value a mother could bring to an
inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men
who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats?
My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand,
grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap,
"Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?"
And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to some
secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what
do you call this, mister?"Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some
stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home
in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for
lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole damn
summer.Inspectors my fanny...
You want the job done? ......... Call my mother.

A man was surf fishing along the beach when he found a bottle. He looked around but didn't see anyone so he opened it

A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish, but I can only grant one."

The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii and fish along the beautiful beaches of Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that really is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't. Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie thought for a while and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"







2.
Old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and
Joke Rating:




An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"

"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me, but
I hurt all over. If I touch my shoulder here, it
hurts, and if I touch my leg here, it hurts, and
if I touch my head here it hurts, and if I
touch my foot here, it hurts."

And the Doctor says, "I know what the problem is
You've broken your finger." :smash:

> > Subject: What is in a name?
> >
> >
> > A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around,
> > looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
> > sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
> > "Jesus is watching you."
> > He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out,and froze.
> > When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
> himself
> > a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began
> > searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he
could
> > disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
> > "Jesus is watching you."
> > He Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically looking for the
> > source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
> beam
> > came to rest on a parrot.
> > "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
> > "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you."
> > The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
> > "Moses," replied the bird.
> > "Moses?", the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird
> > Moses."
> > "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."
> >

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

NEW 2003 VERSION

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK
She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. (OR INSERT
STATE/NATION OF CHOICE)

2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER
She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

3. She is not EASY
She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

4. She is not DUMB
She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
SUPERHIGHWAY.

5. She has not BEEN AROUND
She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION

6. She is not an AIRHEAD
She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY
She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS
She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

9. She does not NAG YOU
She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

10. She is not a SLUT
She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS
She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE
She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY
CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

2. He is not a BAD DANCER
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS
- He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG
He has SWINE EMPATHY.

9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

10. He is not HORNY
He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED

If you have a friend who is a complainer, tell them that they should look into getting a "Rectal Optomoligy: done.
It's a delicate operation where they sever the nerve that runs frommthe back of your eyes to your a$$hole, thus getting rid of their shi**y outlook on life.

That condition is known as "Optical Rectumitis"

To nobody's surprise there were protestors today in DC, they
attempted to disrupt the metro system and block the Key Bridge, a leading artery into DC from Northern Virginia.
_
I got off my train in Rosslyn because I had to use the bathroom and the_train was moving quite slowly. When I was getting back on the train, there were protestors on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protestor offered her a pamphlet, she politely declined. The young protestor put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft
voice said, "Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?" The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth your
country. And if you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."
I'm glad to report that loud applause broke out among the onlookers and the young protestor was at a total loss for words.
__
______ "Life is not measured by the number
___ of breaths we take but by the moments
___ that take our breath away."

http://www.ozemail.com.au/~sunmoonandy/stuff/nokia%20cat.mpg

Why did the chicken cross the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANZ BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 5 tons of nerve gas on it

MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

BILL GATES
I have just released 'eChicken 2003,' which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of 'eChicken.'

RICHARD RUSSELL
Grab the damn chicken before he gets to the other side of the road -- roast him or poach him, but get rid of the eggs, too much cholesterol.

Speaking of doubles: The following joke -- said to be current in Iraq -- has been making the rounds here:

"The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, 'I have some good news and some bad news.' They ask for the good news first.

"Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs.'

"'And the bad news?' they ask.

"Aziz replies, 'He's lost an arm.'"

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to
operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered,"

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians.
Everything inside them is color-coded,"

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left
over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said
it would."

But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all
up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus
the head and ass are interchangeable

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral to it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began telling their stories.

Most of them were the usual "Don't put all your eggs in one basket," or "don't count your chickens before they're hatched," variety until the teacher asked little Michael to tell his story.

"My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen," he began.
"Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 2 bottles of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops!

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke, and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands!"

Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

" Stay away from your Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the
pearly gates. There, he was greeted by George Washington. "How dare you
attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama
in the face.

Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's
liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.

James Madison came next, and said, "This is why I allowed the
government to provide for the common defense!" He took a sledgehammer
and whacked Osama's knees.

Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James
Monroe, and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty and
America.

As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the
gate where he was to be judged.

As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he
screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for
you. What did you think I said?"

Get anyones drivers licence online http://www.license.shorturl.com/
Try it.:D

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN.......

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to
trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of
her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm
and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war, haunted by past
mistakes. Reconstruction may be necessary.

Between 51and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are not
patrolled.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all
conquering past.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is,
but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN...

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a #^&#^&#^&#^&.

My Dear Mom and Dad,

These things have been bugging me for some time. I just needed to let you know. Maybe with understanding we can get along better.

Love you anyway,
Your Loving Dog

1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny at all.

2. Yelling at me for barking ... I AM A DOG!

3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?

4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it.

6. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet.

8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello ... have you noticed the FUR?

10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

11. When you pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

12. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

13. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Tennessee is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor-Tennessee Style."

The contestants will start in Jackson, travel up to Big Sandy and on to Grinders Switch and Hohenwald. Then they will head over to Pulaski and down to Fayetteville and over to Monteagle. From there they will proceed up to Tracy City, then back around through Rock Island, Smithville, and finally end up in Carthage.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with Yankee license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads: "I'm gay. I'm a vegetarian. Beer is harmful to your health. The Vols suck. Vote YES for an income tax. Deer hunting is murder, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"

The first one that makes it to Carthage alive, wins. Good luck to all contestants

Employee Handbook Revision

Effective immediately!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need
a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
In the future,we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical
order.
For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go From 8:00
to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40
and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be
necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In
extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker.
Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In
addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At
the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After
your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin
board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to
get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim
Fast and take a diet pill.

**********************

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

redcrbbr, loved the cow joke, needed a little lift.

I almost spit out my coffee when I saw this.....(hope the cat is ok)

Click Here (http://www.surftalk.net/forum/files/cat_fan.mpg)

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the

sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle

wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees,

so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white

wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like

that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on

her knees,leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't

fink my pet python weally gives a thit."

It must be a female who wrote this, I think it's funny so I'm sharing.
:smokin: :nailem:

LET THE WOMEN DO IT!

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause, train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources.

We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help! Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!

> FEMALE PRAYER
> > Before I lay me down to sleep,
> > I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
> > One who's handsome, smart and strong.
> > One who's loves to listen long.
> > One who thinks before he speaks.
> > When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
> > I pray that he is gainfully employed.
> > When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
> > Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
> > Massages my back and begs to do more.
> > Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
> > Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
> > I pray that this man will love me to no end,
> > And never attempt to hit on my friend. Amen..
> >
> > MALE PRAYER:
> > I pray for a deaf-mute
> > nymphomaniac with huge boobs who
> > owns a liquor store and a boat.. Amen.

The guest room in our home was due for some fresh paint.
My husband, Joe, was preparing the surface and spackling as our three year old granddaughter, Susan, observed.

She, as all three year olds, was full of questions. She asked about the spackling and her Grandpa explained that the spackling was to fill in holes left in the walls by nails.

The next morning, Susan came into my dressing room as I was applying makeup and quite innocently quipped, "Grandma, why are you putting that stuff on your face? Are you trying to fill in all those cracks?"
:smash: :confused: :eek: :laughs: :cool:

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a can of Diet Coke in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Diet Coke.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his Diet Coke, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember." said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued ... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, ......... "I would have gotten out today."

Are you a cowboy?
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Subject: WHY PARENTS GO GREY


The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered "Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME."

A nurse walks into a bank.

Preparing to endorse a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, ...she says,
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


"Well, that's great...just great...some a--hole's got my pen." :eek:

Subject: Shipwrecked...

A Greek sailor, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening,the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Greek.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the sailor took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Greek sailor had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued
her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the sailor started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally
gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her
ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

And now you sir? He asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliche for speed." as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant." Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.

Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I'd #^&#^&#^&#^& in my pants!"

He got the job........

I think this was a qute one.

Butch goes into a lawyer's office and says, "I heard
people have sued the
tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer,and
McDonalds for making them
fat."

The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true".

Butch says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too".

The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonalds, or the tobacco
companies?"

Butch says, "Neither.

I'm suing Budweiser for all the ugly people I've
slept with."

A couple is celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary with their 11 children. As the party is winding down the husband asks his wife, "Dear, after all these years I just can't help but wonder. Johnny our youngest looks nothing like his brothers and sisters. Does he have a different father?" The wife shocked at first, then looks sadly at her husband and says, "Yes. I am afraid he does have a different father" The husband, hurt and rejected demanded, " WHO ?! WHO IS HIS FATHER?!". The wife bows her head and says...


"You are dear."


BOOYA'! :eek:

"Borrowed" from another board:
----------------------------------------

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she gestured to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?'"

"As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!" :eek:

It is with heavy heart that we must pass on the following news.Please join us in remembering a great icon from the Entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess
Twinkies and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy
and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was
filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much
of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and
Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Mars & Venus

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. I never have figured out the whole Mars Venus thing, and, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT?"

So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store.

I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. Then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ,she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river,
and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

:D :laughs:

Two New South Welshmen rent a boat and go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.

1st moron: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish.

2nd moron: Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot.

1st moron: You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?

:smash: :smash: :smash:

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"


"She just died and left me everything." :eek:

FUNNY CLASSIFIEDS:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.
-------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES: ½ COCKERSPANIEL ½ SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.
-----------------------------
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE...
BETTER BE A REWARD.
-----------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB --$850/offer
----------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
-------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.
-------------------------------------
HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
-----------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
-------------------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.
--------------------------------------
(AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last month. Wife knows everything