Do you know why there are so many ghosts?

Because Chuck Norris is killing people so fast God doesn't have enough time to process them all.

oh yeah....



:bgi::bgi::bgi:

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment:
Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.


The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.



'Johnny, do you have a story to share?


'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't be lost if the bottle broke.


Then she landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last soldier with her bare hands.


'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'


'Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking.'

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,

'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

Sorry...it just made me laugh

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on s ome of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull %$%$%$%$ might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who %$%$%$%$s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of %$%$%$%$ is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep %$%$%$%$, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

And then the fight started









My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started.

================================================== ====================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary..
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.


================================================== ===================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....

================================================== ===================

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet
at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

================================================== =============

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

================================================== ==========

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you
just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

The doctor said,
'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go u nder the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I
need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 w ould press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

Top 10 things you can only say at



Thanksgiving!


10. Talk about a huge breast!


9. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.


8. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!


7. That's one terrific spread!


6. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?


5. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!


4. Don't play with your meat.


3. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!


2. How long will it take after you stick it in?


and the Number #1 thing you can only say on
Thanksgiving....

1. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

< Life as a Pilot >


Her Diary:


Tonight I thought my pilot boyfriend was acting weird. We had made
plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my
friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I
was a bit late, but he made no comment.


Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him
what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that
he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.


On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he
didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost
him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there
and watched T. V. He seemed distant and absent.


Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came up,
and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, it was
okay but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were
somewhere else.


He fell asleep while I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost
sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


=====================


His Diary:


Made the worst landing of my life today, but at least I got laid.

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you
see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf
course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.


Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he
realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises .

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,
before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'


The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off
in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full
of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'


The devil looks
at him, smiles and says.......


'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle
and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite
my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can
bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa
told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
whenyou pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus.

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
couldonly be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.


this is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of
a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus
you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he
once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him
back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. The
candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming
up

with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my
old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay
behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams." Sometimes,
we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations.

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her
out
of her misery, have fun with the perfect partner against the bus stop,
then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW
to find the headlights broken and considerable damage.

There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry, I just backed into your Beemer.

The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars.

But I'm not."

:laughs:

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2008

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty




================================================== ==========================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2008

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty





================================================== ==========================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2008

RE: Holiday Party


Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ...

You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.





================================================== ==========================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 04, 2008

RE: Generic Holiday Party


What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men; each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!


Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty




================================================== ==========================


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F#$&*ng Employees


DATE: & nbsp; October 05, 2008

RE: The F*%#ing Holiday Party


I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu&*^%g salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you fu@*&ng weirdos can kiss my *ss.
I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B* from HE*^!!!!!!!!





================================================== ==========================


FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October ; 06, 2008

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

An old, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring
at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said,
'We'll take it.

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check'. I know you need to make
sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the
ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'


All Seniors Aren't Senile

Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.

The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table
because when open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is colour-coded."

The third surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the best;
Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know I like engineers; Those guys always
understand if you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no
balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are
interchangeable."

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, If after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.


He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: The princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, For only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous through out the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.


The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, The most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, And Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden,
But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life. And the reservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered. Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants?"

She said, "Is to be in charge of her own life."
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth. And that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was.
The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom.
And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.


The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.
But, what a sight awaited him.
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.
The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, She would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only half the time. And the beautiful maiden the other half.
"Which would you prefer? She asked him. "Beautiful during the day ..... or at night?"

Lancelot pondered the predicament.
During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends,
But at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!
Or,
Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day?
But by night a beautiful woman for him to share his thoughts, intimate moments with?


(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?
(If you are a woman reading this) What should YOUR MAN'S choice be?

What Lancelot chose, is given below:
BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below... OKAY?






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Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, He said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time. Because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now... what is the moral to this story?






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The moral is...
1) There is witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is! (No offence meant)
2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.

So, always remember:

IT'S EITHER "HER WAY" OR IT'S "NO WAY" !!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA:shocked:

Union Rules & Hookers

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

Dear Abby:
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them. I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.
Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my fishing poles so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my poles, that I noticed a hairline crack in my favorite rod where the handle meets the graphite butt section. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the shop where I bought it?

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street,then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day
without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for Christmas, but they had not been dating very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night."

All my love.

P.S- it is the latest trend to wear them a bit rolled up as to show a little fur!

My Favorite Christmas Cookie Recipe:



Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one Level Cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer... Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to Make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup...just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor...

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "They'll never catch me, " he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving, that I haven't heard before, you can go!" he said.

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop, " the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night, " said the officer.

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing violently. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man's pecker, and tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a fella with his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of a sudden, the pecker smacks the windscreen, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what was that?"

Not wanting embarrassing questions,the father replies, "It was only a bug." The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she says, "Sure had a big #^&#^&#^&#^&, didn't it !

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,

decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby

well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any

odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How

much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she

would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she

realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all

those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes', the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it

two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it

to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied,
'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked,
'What ya gonna do with him?'
Chuck said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said,
'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said,
'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked,
'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said,
'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00.'
The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said,
'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

The Italian says 'When I've a finished a makina da love withah my
wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats
6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.'

The Frenchman replies. zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze
love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick
za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above
ze bed in pure ecstacy.

The redneck says, 'That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the
ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my
weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin'ceiling

That Rocks...:rotflmao:

A woman walks into a pharmacy on a hot summer day. She raises champion showdogs and one has developed an ingrown hair in it's ear days before a big show. The vet tells her to get a hair remover and gently apply it to the area. She asks the pharmacist for hair removal cream and as he is handing it over the counter he says "Might want to wear shorts so long pants don't irritate your legs after applying". She tells him it's not for her legs. "Then you probably want to wear long sleeves to keep your arms out of the hot sun". Nope, she replies, not for my arms. "Well then, what the heck is it for?" asks the pharmacist...
The woman replies "it's for my Schnauzer". He hands it across the counter and advises "don't ride a bicycle for two weeks!"

Speaking of Sarah Palin, this guy is driving in Nome in a snow storm, when his front wheels lock and he skids off the road into a snowbank. Dazed, he walks to the nearest building, a bar, and stumbles in, cut and greasy. "My wheels froze up and I went into a ditch" he announces. Bartender says "jeez, you blow a seal?" Guy says "Nah, thats just a little frost on my mustache!"

Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'



An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of y ears. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what' s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want any thing while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream wi th strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stare s at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys ar e out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days late r, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . .. . . .

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

A tourist gets lost on the backroads of Vermont. He pulls up to a farmhouse to get directions, and on his way up the walk he notices a 500 lb pig in a pen in the back. Not real unusual in the north country, except this porker has a wooden leg. The farmer answers the door and gives directions back to Route 89. As he turns to leave, the tourist says "What's the deal with that pig back there?"
"Oh, Flossie?" the farmer replies, "That's one damn fine pig! You know last fall when I was plowin over the winter wheat, the tractor flipped and pinned me under it while the missus was away. Flossie jumped the pen, got her snout under the tractor and forced it up so I could pull myself out. She went inside and dailed 911 with her snout and the EMTs showed up!" "Then this summer we had an electical fire in the middle of the nigh and smoke woulda got us, but Flossie crashed through the pen, broke down the back door and dragged both of us out to safety!"
"Wow. That is amazing", said the tourist - "but what about the wooden leg?"
"Hell", said the farmer, "A great pig like that - you don't eat em all at one time!"

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f#*k your brains out, and suck your t%ts dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Lovemaking tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

(I sent this in large type so you can read it.)

ITALIAN VIRGIN

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,

she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her; "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man.

Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile,

I'll be making pasta."
So, up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother,

"all good men have hairy chests.
Go back upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom,

Tony took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants

and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry !
All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man.
G o back upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again.

When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on
his left foot he was missing three toes.

When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half !"

Her Mama said, "You stay here and stir the pasta....."

Remember the plane that went down in the hudson?? These geese were seen fleeing the scene..

Blonde with a Emergency


Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car, and opened the trunk.


I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them, and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe. They are in trench coats. exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.


To my surprise, cars started slowing down...looking at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.


It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper. "What's going on here?" "My car has a flat tire," I said calmly. "Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?" I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So, I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers."

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.



The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.



Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!



The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'



Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?



The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

airline class

:jester:

A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz

Jack was soon going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.

Jack's father said, "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.'"

Jack’s father continued, "So, she did and replied, 'These are too big, I can't wear these pants.' So I replied to your mother, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will."'

"Ever since that night we have never had any problems," concluded Jack's father.

"Hmmm," Jack said in reply. He thought his father's suggestion might be a good thing to establish on that day of new beginnings.

So on his honeymoon Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, "Here, try these on."

So she did and said, "These are too large, Jack. They don't fit me..."

Jack replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack, as she said, "Here, you try on mine!"

As she requested, he tried them. "I can't get into your pants," Jack said with a question in his tone.

Jill replied, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each
Other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said,
'Do you know who I am?'


The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'


'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.


'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.


'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.


'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone..


'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.


'Yep,' was the calm reply.


'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.


'Nope,' said the old man..


More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'


The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

:think: :cputin: Global warming ! :hs: :wid::lasso::call: where:af:

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter. Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Do you hear me? You’re cooking TOO MANY! Turn them. TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh, my God! WHERE are we going to get more butter? They’re going to stick! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! For Pete sake USE THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him.
"What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied,
"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

A TEN-DOLLAR HOME SECURITY SYSTEM




1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's work boots, used, size 14-16. - $2.00
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine. Magazine - $3.00
3.. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and the magazine. - $5.00
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke, and Slim, I went for more shotgun shells and to pick my check up from the slaughterhouse. I should be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the Pit Bulls--don't know what got into them, but they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.

I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait out here on the porch.'
'Cooter '

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, & that's when you realize, you have been listening to your iPod.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at home. He was 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.:laugha:

A grizzled old surfcaster and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that surfcasters are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the old geezer would like to play a fun game.
The old man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the surfcaster's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The old fisherman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the surfcaster's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the sleepy fisherman and hands him $500. The old man pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the fisherman up and asks, 'Well, what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The grizzled old surfcaster reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

I went to dinner last week at the house of a couple of friends who are avowed democrats. I was sitting down when a political commercial came on. Their 6 year od daughter said "when I grow up , I want to be president" so I said "what would be the first thing you'd do if you were president?". She said "I'd give all the poor homeless people homes". I told her "that's admirable, honey but you don't have to wait until you're president, you could start toward that right now" and she said "how?" I said "why don't you come over to my house, rake and bag all my leaves and I'll pay you $50.00 which you can take down to the part of town where the poor homeless people spend their time and give them the $50.00 toward purchasing their home." She replied "why don't you just have the poor homeless people come over to your house, rake the leaves and give them the $50.00 for doing the work?" I said "welcome to the republican party." Her parents haven't spoken to me since.

I like that one

The FBI, ARMY and the LAPD are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The judge decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and whoever catches it first wins.

The FBI goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The Army goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c66/ravenob1/Ballandchain.png

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.

I went to dinner last week at the house of a couple of friends who are avowed democrats. I was sitting down when a political commercial came on. Their 6 year od daughter said "when I grow up , I want to be president" so I said "what would be the first thing you'd do if you were president?". She said "I'd give all the poor homeless people homes". I told her "that's admirable, honey but you don't have to wait until you're president, you could start toward that right now" and she said "how?" I said "why don't you come over to my house, rake and bag all my leaves and I'll pay you $50.00 which you can take down to the part of town where the poor homeless people spend their time and give them the $50.00 toward purchasing their home." She replied "why don't you just have the poor homeless people come over to your house, rake the leaves and give them the $50.00 for doing the work?" I said "welcome to the republican party." Her parents haven't spoken to me since.

That is perfect. :btu:

Three guys are fishing at the Canal when an angel appears on the rocks next to them. The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, "I've suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?" The angel touches the mans back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure his eyesight. The angel tosses his glasses in the Canal. When they hit the water, the mans vision clears, and he can see everything distinctly.
The angel now turns to the third guy, who throws up his hands in fear. "Don't touch me!" he cries. "I'm on disability!"

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like the #^&#^&#^&#^&ens!! I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart . Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. 10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found on aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sp erm sample for good measure.
Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. H e deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

So I call home and my brother picks up the phone. We're making small talk when I ask about the cat. "How's Boots?" "Oh", he replies, "Boots is dead".
"WHAT?", I scream. "Yeah, mom took down the screens to vacuum them and Boots got out on the roof and fell and died"...."How can you be so insensitive?!" I yelled. "Well, what do you want me to say?" he replies. "You could soften it up a little and say something like the window was open and Boots got curious about a squirrel and went out on the roof too far for us to coax her back in. She ended up in the oak tree and I grabbed the ladder but she was a little too high, so we called the fire department and a hook and ladder truck arrived but as they were extending the ladder Boots slipped and fell to the ground. Despite heroic measures they couldn't revive her." "I guess you're right", said my brother, "Next time I'll try to be a little more sensitive". I changed the subject - "So how's Mom?" My brother says "Well, she climbed out on the roof...."

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you're
there, and you have to answer what's wrong in front of others, and sometimes
it's embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's receptionist who
insists you tell her what's wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
handled it:
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk.
The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for
today?'
'There's something wrong with my #^&#^&#^&#^&, 'he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come
into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you. 'the old man
said.
The Receptionist replied: 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in
private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,' Yes?'
'There's something wrong with my ear. 'he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it. 'he replied..
The waiting room erupted into laughter.

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London
> One took a
> window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle
> seat. Just before takeoff,
> a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff,
> the Marine kicked
> his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when
> the Arab in the
> window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a
> Coke.'
> 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm
> in the aisle seat, I'll get it for
> you.'
>
> As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the
> Marine's shoe and spat in
> it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab
> said, 'That
> looks good, I'd really like one, too.'
>
> Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he
> was gone, the other
> Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe a nd spat in
> it. When the Marine
> returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight..
>
> As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into
> his shoes and
> knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and
> asked his Arab
> neighbors...
>
>
>
>
> 'Why does it have to be this way? How long must this
> go on? This fighting
> between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
> spitting in shoes and
> pissing in Cokes?'
>
> THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES

Redneck word of the day: "OBAMA"

I BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND DRANK IT OBAMA SELF!

New Ice Cream


In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has issued a new flavor, " Barocky Road . "

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes.

The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.

The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you.

Thus you are left with an empty wallet, no change, holding an empty cone, with no hope of getting any ice cream.

The Lone Ranger
was ambushed and captured
by
an enemy Indian War Party.





The Indian
Chief proclaims,



"So, YOU
are the great Lone Ranger" ..





"In
honor of the Harvest Festival,

YOU
will be executed in three days."


"Before
I kill you, I grant you three
requests"

"What
is your FIRST request
???'

The Lone Ranger
responds,

"I'd
like to speak to my horse."



The
Chief nods and Silver is brought

before
the Lone Ranger who whispers in

Silver's
ear, and the horse gallops
away.

Later that evening, Silver
returns with

a
beautiful blonde woman on
his back.

As
the Indian Chief watches,

the
blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent

and
spends the night.


The
next morning the Indian Chief admits

he's
impressed..
"You
have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I
will still kill you
in two days."

"What
is your SECOND request
???"


The
Lone Ranger again asks to speak

to
his horse.

Silver
is brought to

him,

and
he again whispers in the horse's
ear.

As before,
Silver takes off and disappears

over
the horizon.

Later that evening, to
the Chief's surprise,

Silver again
returns, this time with a

voluptuous brunette,
more attractive

than
the blonde.



She
enters the Lone Rangers tent

and
spends the night.


The
following morning the Indian Chief

is
again impressed.

"You
are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But
I will still kill
you tomorrow."



"What
is your LAST request ???"



The
Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to
my horse, ....
alone."

The Chief
is curious, but he
agrees,

and
Silver is brought to

the

Lone Ranger's
tent.




Once they're
alone,

the
Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,

Looks
him square in the eye and says,



Listen
Very Carefully !!!!

FOR...
THE... LAST... TIME...


I
SAID ...





"BRING POSSE"

Drinking With A West Virginia Hillbilly Girl:





A Mexican, an Arab, and a West Virginia Hillbilly girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The West Virginia Hillbilly girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.




Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In West Virginia we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

'God Bless Amercia!

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened.The fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'


'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch. You can spend it all or spend some and keep the rest.'

It's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before,and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting granite countertops.'

After living in the country all his life, an old redneck decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring
back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with!"

DONT FORGET ABOUT NEXT SATURDAY!

Don't forget to mark your calenders .

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America !

A man walks into a bar,
He sits down and places the bag on the counter..
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag..

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9" high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano stool,
Which he places in front of the piano

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful
Piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says:

"Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one Wish... Just one wish.... each person is only
allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want A million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.

It is soon followed By another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks."

"No sh*t!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9-inch
"Pianist" ??????

Farah Fawcett dies and goes to heaven. As soon as she gets there, God requests a meeting with her. He says "Welcome to heaven, Farah. I've always admired that you brought so much joy to so many people, and because of this, I would like to grant you one wish."





Farah says to God "I want all children to be safe".

I was airing up at the Race Point air station a few years ago. I'm leaning over with the pressure hose in-hand and a guy staggers over to me and asks, "Are you airing up or airing down?"

I wanted to say, "I'm airing down..this hose sucks the air out of your tires." What I should have said was, "Here's your sign."

:)

:buds:

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars?

This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that!

Got from (an Italian) relative:

Italian Loan

An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and
asked for the loan officer He told the loan officer
that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks
and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a
depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need
some form of security for the loan, so the Italian
handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was
parked on the street in front of the bank. The
Italian produced the title and everything checked
out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as
collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all
enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a
$250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000
and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer
said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were
away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?'

The Italian replied: 'Minga, where else in New York City
can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and
expect it to be there when I return?'

Ah, the Italians.... Bada Bing!

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot in a cage. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Well, what's your name little guy?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus.'"

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS...

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all
dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to
copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own
mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win,
I'd run over Joe's Mom, too.."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins: "He treats us like men.. He lets us wear earrings.."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going
to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and
then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would
anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years,
not Princeton ."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to
spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the
morning, regardless of what time it is.."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister'sexpecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an
aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,
'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I
don't know and I don't care..'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told
a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're
spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford I can go to my left
or right, I am amphibious.

Not really a joke but it gives a good laugh. There is a 73 year old father who lives with his son who is in his mid to late 20s and he just writes down quotes his dad says. Since this is a family friendly site I'll give just the few runner ups of my favorites:

"I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it...No, I'm not gonna stop, I'm just saying yes, I get that concept."

"It's just a :cens: june bug, calm down. Jesus Christ, what happens when something bigger than a testicle attacks you?"

to my bro-"Your baby dropped his binky. The binky is on the table. THE BINKY IS ON THE TABLE. BINKY ON TABLE. PICK.UP.THE.BINKY. Thank you."

"You need to flush the toilet more than once...No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet."

"A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown toenail. Stop bitching."

#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you
become famous.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"



(sorry if already posted, but some of us do need help with our short term memory)

funny funny funny

http://imgsrv.gocomics.com/dim/?fh=0322abf79e4310bc24ab99a14e36ef80

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place,

And as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,With hundreds and hundreds of cute, Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed In rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken Quite some time to lovingly arrange them And she was immediately touched By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the Length of the middle shelf, And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an Obviously masculine guy To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and Continue talking and, After awhile, she finds herself Thinking,'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy Could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,And he romantically lifts her in His arms and carries her into his bedroom Where they rip off each other's Clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she Responds with more passion, More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known. After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy, They are lying there together in The afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently Strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, Strokes her cheek, Looks deeply into her eyes,

And says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
> > > You sell one and buy a bull.
> > > Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and
> > > retire on the income.
> > >
> > > ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
> > > letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
> execute
> > > a
> > > debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
> > > four
> > > cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
> > > The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
> > > intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the
majority
> > > shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed
> > > company.
> > > The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option
> > > on one more.
> > > Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
> > > you with nine cows.
> > > No balance sheet provided with the release.
> > > The public buys your bull.
> > >
> > > AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
> > > You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
> > >
> > > A CANADIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > Your dairy operation is productive, and you sell 80% of the milk
> > > to the US market.
> > > The American government decides that you are taking advantage of
> > > federal subsidies to dump milk on the market below cost, and slaps
you
> > > with
> > > 25% "countervailing" duties, to protect the interests of the
> > > above-mentioned
> > > American Corporation.
> > > Angered and enraged in typical polite Canadian fashion, you cheer
> > > on the Canadian hockey team to pound the USA team 5-2 and win Olympic
> > > gold.
> > > You let out a cheer, wave the Maple Leaf a bit, then apologize for
> > > the outburst and get back to milking your cows
> > >
> > > A FRENCH CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You go on strike because you want three cows.
> > >
> > > A JAPANESE CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
> > > cow and produce twenty times the milk.
> > > You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
> > > market them Worldwide.
> > >
> > > A GERMAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
> > > and milk themselves.
> > >
> > > A BRITISH CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > Both are mad.
> > >
> > > AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
> > > You break for lunch.
> > >
> > > A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You count them and learn you have five cows.
> > > You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> > > You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
> > > You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
> > >
> > > A SWISS CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
> > > You charge others for storing them.
> > >
> > > A HINDU CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You worship them.
> > >
> > > A CHINESE CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You have 300 people milking them.
> > > You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest
> > > the newsman who reported the numbers.
> > >
> > > AN ISRAELI CORPORATION
> > >
> > > So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
> > > They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the
> > > movie rights.
> > > They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.
> > > So, who needs people?
> > >
> > > AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > That one on the left is kinda cute...
> > >

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
the books at a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the
books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I noticed you buy
a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's
too little to be of any use?

"Good question." noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
bandages."

"Oh replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his own obnoxious
way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's
left over after setting a cast on a patient?

"AH, yes" replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question." We save it and send it back
to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free
package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save
all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about
once a year they send us a complete #^&#^&#^&#^&."







A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart.


At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own

funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.'


The proctologist fainted.

THE PRESIDENTIAL QUALIFICATIONS:
In a Purdue University government class, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple, the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was taking it all in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section..????"

Yep, these are the same 18-year-olds that just elected the new President of the United States .
Now we know why.....
And don't forget, "They walk among us!"

I wonder if she was blonde? If yes then I should have posted this under "blonde joke".

Sorry, this is real story not even a joke but I laughed anyway...:biglaugh:

TRYING TO BE NICE

A guy is coming home from work and thinks about his wife and how the only time
he gives her anything is on her Birthday and Christmas.

He's feeling a little generous and decides he will surprise her with a few
gifts.

He stops and gets her candy, then onto the florist to pick up a dozen roses.

As he pulls in front of his house he sees his baseball cap in the backseat and puts
it on sideways to add a little humor.

He knocks on the front door with the candy in his hand and holding the flowers
on his chest.

His wife answers the door takes one look and bursts out
crying and sobbing.

He says, "whats the matter?"

She says "this has been the worst day of my life, the kids have been horrible,
the cellar flooded, my supper burned, and now you come home drunk. "

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a #^&#^&#^&#^&ing wall."

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.



That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.



She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.



Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators.

What's the fat depressing singer's favorite laptop?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A Dell

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Sam's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Sam's fishing mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to the camping site to find Sam sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and having a cold beer.

"Crap Sam, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

“Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, ‘Guess who?’" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a sheer nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

Well, she's been reading that book, “50 Shades of Gray.” On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Sam's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Sam's fishing mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to the camping site to find Sam sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and having a cold beer.

"Crap Sam, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

“Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, ‘Guess who?’" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a sheer nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

Well, she's been reading that book, “50 Shades of Gray.” On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

Lmao!
Posted from my iPhone/Mobile device

A man and a woman are childhood sweethearts and finally get married. A couple weeks after the wedding she comes out into the garage and sees him in the boat arranging his tackle. She has a disturbed look on her face so he asks her "whats wrong"? She tells him that since they were married now she thought he would probably sell his boat and fishing gear. He now gets a disturbed look on his face. "Whats wrong" she asks? He says "for a second there you sounded like my ex-wife". She gets all upset and tells him "I did'nt know you had an ex-wife"! He says "I did'nt"!

A man and a woman are childhood sweethearts and finally get married. A couple weeks after the wedding she comes out into the garage and sees him in the boat arranging his tackle. She has a disturbed look on her face so he asks her "whats wrong"? She tells him that since they were married now she thought he would probably sell his boat and fishing gear. He now gets a disturbed look on his face. "Whats wrong" she asks? He says "for a second there you sounded like my ex-wife". She gets all upset and tells him "I did'nt know you had an ex-wife"! He says "I did'nt"!
love it

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut and he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tellsthe old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was thecleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball. The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does"

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

:rotf2::rotf2::rotf2::rotf2::rotf2::rotf2:

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

That hits too close to home.

An illegal alien, a Muslim and a socialist walk into a bar.....
The bartender asks,

"What will it be, Mr. President?"

An illegal alien, a Muslim and a socialist walk into a bar.....
The bartender asks,

"What will it be, Mr. President?"

HA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:love:

Joke is on us!!!!!!:yak5:

This is soooo funny

The Ultimate Wake Up PRANK Compilation - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=aIyQn9jRjP8)

back to work

Some were funny, but many were just assinine pranks.
Maybe they should talk to some of the people aftr they ran face first into a wall, or fell on their knees on mouse traps.
A good prank doesn't require dental surgery, a trip to the emergency room, or legal advice regarding property damage lawsuits.

What moron thinks that blowing out someone's eardrums is the perfect way to start the day??? Try having someone do it to you and see how fun it really is.

Let's be real, most of these aren't practical jokes, but rather auditions to be just one more "Jackass" wanna-be!

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
... While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

Herschel, the Magnificent Jew - Holy Cannoli's posterous (http://holycannoli.posterous.com/herschel-the-magnificent-Jew)
Posted from my iPhone/Mobile device

The Sensuous Wife

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.


"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

"Uh, no," he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.


"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, now really intrigued…


"Well, go look in the garage..."

Four elderly ladies are going for a ride.
Elsie is driving and goes through a red light.
Clara sitting in the back seat wants to say something about it but doesn't.
Elsie continues to drive through 3 more red lights and Clara feels the need to warn her.
She says, "Elsie do you know you drove through 4 red lights???
Elsie says, " Am I driving ????? "

Four elderly guys had been playing cards together every Friday for years.
One night one of the players said to the another, " I'm sorry, could you tell me your
name, I forgot it.
The other player paused awhile and said, "Can you give me some time?"

A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art Apple iWatch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

He says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Navy man smirks, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."